AArgh! My Mother still does this and I’m 38. It always goes like this:
Mom: Shamrock, honey, I’m tired, let’s go.
Me: Sure, Mom.
Me: (put on coat, say my goodbyes, and wait for her)
Mom: You go start the car, I’ll be right there. (yeah, right :rolleyes: )
Me: Yeah, right. I won’t see you before the turn of the century.
Mom: No. No. This time I swear. I’m right behind you. (putting on that “Mom” look)
Me: go start car, and wait… and wait… and wait… get out of car… go back to house…
Mom: “Well, I didn’t realize you were in a rush. I’m just saying goodbye”
(thinking: yeah, while I’m running out of gas, Mom) :smack:
It plays this way each and every time we go anywhere.
When he got real exasperated with us, Dad would sigh and say “so this is what Mom meant when she’d say ‘my grandchildren shall avenge me’…”
I’m 39 and have spent the last 38 or so years asking “why”. Heck, I actually get paid for it! So I would appreciate it if you do not insult my inquisitiveness, little girl.
Sometimes, ime, asking questions can be effective, but you have to do it the right way. My youngest kid is very independent, and is much more inclined to be cooperative if she feels she has some control in any given situation. So, questions can help. The trick is, make sure that I give her choices of only acceptable answers. If I ask her “Do you want to go to bed now?” she’s going to say “No. I’m not tired yet” (She’s 7; she doesn’t admit to being tired until she’s actually asleep!) But if I say “Do you want to get ready for bed now, or do you want me to set a timer so you can play for 10 more minutes?” she’ll almost certainly choose to play for 10 more minutes, but that’s okay. And it gives her illusion of control much more than if I said “You can play for 10 more minutes, then you have to get ready for bed”. If I say “Do you want to clean up your toys now?” the default answer would be “no”, but if I say “It’s time to clean up; do you want to pick up your Ponies first, or your books?” then she’s got some control, and she’s happier. But the bottom line is she’s still doing what I need her to do, so we’re both happy.
Another mistake I see is parents assuming that one approach will work with all children. Even different children of the same two parents will respond better to different approaches. You need to tailor your approach to the child’s temperament.
My favorite parenting book (Parenting With Love and Logic) references some studies that show people don’t actually care how much control over their life (or their job or their relationships or their hair style) they have, as long as it’s more than they had in the past. Slowly increasing the child’s level of control over things is what keeps kids happy. If you give them too much control too young, then there’s nowhere to go but less control when they make mistakes, and that makes everyone cranky. So we start with little, don’t matter things of control (red socks or white socks?) so they practice making decisions about things we the parents don’t really care about.
But it’s really got to be things you don’t care about, or the whole thing crumbles! “Are we leaving the party?” Isn’t a valid question. Mom has an agenda there, and the reality is that we really do have to leave sometime! “Are we leaving now or in 10 minutes?” is a reasonable question, assuming Mom isn’t going to be late for her next appointment by staying 10 minutes longer.
“Do you want broccoli or ice cream?” Dumb question. “Do you want broccoli or peas?” Much better question.
It’s like asking a toddler if they prefer Dora shorts or a Hawaiian dress. Like *I * care? I used to, then I had a screaming kid when I tried to force them with no choice into the Dora shorts. Heck, *they * don’t care either. It’s a power play, so pick your battles and let 'em win.
Heh. WhyBaby just announced, for the first time, what she wanted to wear before I could give her the choice. Usually it’s “orange shirt or green shirt? Blue jeans or a skirt?” This morning I walked into her room, and before I could even say good morning, she said, “Mama! Dress! Purplepurplepurplepurple!”
And so it begins.
(She got to wear the purple dress. What do I care?)
Typically I don’t care what they wear – as long as they do wear something. “NO NAKED BUTTS IN THE HOUSE!! PUT ON SOME UNDERWEAR!!!”
Last year the only way I could get my son out of his pajamas to go to preschool for a couple of hours was to let him bring his pajamas with him. He’d put them in his little cubby and retrieve them afterwards.
This summer we started letting them get their own water. Our refrigerator has a dispenser (that they can just barely reach) so I put their cups on a low shelf. They LOVE this.
Yeah, what kids do out in the yard is their business. Kidding, but the intercept of a screeching naked four year old running across the front yard to attack the mailman with a hoe is fresh on my mind, even though it happened in May. “He shouldn’t oughta be messing with OUR mailbox.” My husband tried reading to him (the kid) from the Iliad, explaining that girding ones loins (if only in Thomas the Tank Engine underpants) before doing battle is prudent practice. Like most of life’s lessons, it didn’t take. But, we replaced the latch on the gate and put the gardening tools up high in the garage. Then, wishing to be thorough, we moved out of town.
I had a post but it ended up in the pit.
So now there is a space for whitty banter with Fox that won’t clutter up his own thread.
Oh, and it’s BROD (bring your own Depends) over there because I can’t afford to be cleaning up after those that need them. You have been warned.
Good stories, y’all. I’ve got no interest in kids of my own (and thus won’t preach to you!) but the image of a four year old ferociously defending his mailbox from the mailman is too funny.
Ugh. My third-shift lead ended up with one of those (talker, that is). Then I hired part-timer who talks even more! :eek: I thought she was going to go postal on me about that! I’ve had to fire the part-timer, though, and I hope the next part-time operator I hire will work out better, and be quieter!
Oh how well do I remember my childhood experiences!
“Mamma, I want this Barbie doll please.”
“It’s not your birthday. It’s not Christmas. Put it back, now.”
“But I WANT IT!”
“No. Not today. And not on your birthday either, now. Do you know why? Because when I say no, I mean no. Whining about it ensures an answer of ‘not only not now, but not ever’.”
I was frankly rather astonished that my friend Ginny (not her real name) would start to whine and her mother would NOT say the same thing but instead bought the toy for her. Mom always hated it when I visited Ginny’s because I’d start whining for toys again. “You sound just like Ginny,” she’d say, “but the difference is, her mom lets her get away with it. Yours doesn’t. Don’t try it.”
But if I brought a Barbie (or something) to my mother and said “I would really like this on my birthday!” chances are I’d see the doll on the next gift giving holiday ahead… It wouldn’t happen every time, but asking politely once was the only way it would happen.
Bwahaha – I have to laugh, because our living room developed an unusual funky odor a week ago. Turned out to be from spilled yogurt smoothie fermenting in the carpet.
You’d think that spilling wouldn’t be any kind of big deal at all, cripes we’re only human…BUT when it’s the 30th time they knock over their water that week (despite you constantly telling them to move their cup towards the middle of the table), or it’s something they weren’t supposed to have in the living room anyway, or if they spill milk on a floor that you just fricking cleaned, it can make a parent see RED.
But no, spills aren’t any kind of issue in the Grand Scheme of Things.
Spills what? The cup of milk at dinner? Some water she got for a drink? The entire gallon bottle of cranberry juice you told her not to touch?
Ordinary spills are no big deal. They are to be expected, so you plan accordingly and don’t have your table on a carpet. Kids are supposed to wipe up their own spills once they’re 3 or 4–you show them where the dishtowels are kept and remind them what to do when it happens.
A huge spill that is actually due to disobedience (not an honest accident) would earn some sort of punishment, but either way mopping up is involved. But I spill things often enough myself to feel that it wouldn’t be fair to punish an ordinary spill.
He’d put them in his little cubby and retrieve them afterwards.