Parents: Leave Your Goddamn Spawn at Home

The BBQ Pit
1

I don’t care if you hire a babysitter, put em in a crate, or what, but do not take your goddamn 3 year old to the movies. THEY DON’T KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE. You are not in your living room anymore. No one else thinks your idiot brood is charming.

This weekend I saw ‘The Time Machine’. Capsule review - meh, wait for a rental. But then again, I don’t know, maybe the climax of the movie is better than I realize. I wouldn’t know because I had a kid literally climbing on my wife’s chair while it was happening and screaming if her siblings tried to get her to sit down. Her idiot parents were oblivious to all of this, even though we several times tried to get them to put a fucking leash on her.

I don’t blame the kid - she’s three, she’s being a three year old who doesn’t have the attention span to sit through a two hour movie. SO DON’T BRING HER. Don’t let her run rampant around ruining the movie for everyone. And if you can’t get a babysitter? Then stay the fuck home. You had the fucking little darling, you deal with it. Rent a video.

On top of this I have to go yet again next door and tell the so-called parents there to keep their kids out of my lawn. They aren’t bad kids, but I don’t wants sticks and trash dragged all over my lawn, I don’t want my driveway and porch chalked up, I don’t want them falling off my steps and then suing me because my steps aren’t child-proofed for the children I don’t have or want. I never wanted to be Old Man Mancer yelling “GET OFF MY LAWN” but that’s what I am because these two idiots next door refuse to take an interest in their own children.

YOU HAD THE CHILD, YOU FUCKING RAISE IT. It is not the rest of the world’s job to raise your kid. Are you busy? Work a lot? Tired often? Tough. That’s part of the job description. It’s part of why I have chosen NOT to have children. I didn’t opt instead to take care of yours. I don’t bring my dog over to your house to be fed, do I?

Teach them how to behave in public (assuming, of course, that not acting idiotic in the movie theater and allowing other people to enjoy the move is still proper behavior - I’m looking at you, Mr. Cell Phone and Miss Oh-my-gawd-did-you-hear-about-Doug-and-Lisa - but that’s another rant for another time.) But if they don’t, get them out of there. You don’t own the goddamn world because you’ve bred. It doesn’t give you a special dispensation to crap all over everyone else because you’ve produced offspring. You say you paid full price for the movie and don’t see why you have to leave just because your kid has decided my seat is a Jungle Gym? Well I paid too, motherfucker, and I want to see the movie as well and I DIDN’T BRING THE KID. You don’t see me bringing my dog or playing the trumpet during the movie, do you? It’s because I don’t think I should bother anyone.

So. In summary. Congratulations, you merged egg and sperm. Your job is just beginning. It’s a tough job. and it’s not MY job.

2

I’m not sure how it works in the States, but in the UK we have the following film certificates: U, PG, 12, 15, 18. Anyone is allowed into a U, PG is “parental guidance” but anyone is legally allowed in and you have to be of age to get into a 12, 15 or 18.

So, basically, if I go to see a U or PG I expect kids. Especially if I go before about 6pm. Doubly at the weekend. If I go to see a 12, 15 or 18 I know there will be NO kids.

If I go when I expect to see kids, then I don’t complain when they act like kids. I know it’s coming.

When I go to see non-kid movies, there are no kids because they aren’t allowed in.

Am I missing something here? Does it not work like this in Merkin Land?

pan

3

That particular movie was rated PG-13: Parents Strongly Cautioned.

So I would think taking a 3-year-old to it would be unadvised. But nevertheless, even if it had been, say, a Disney movie, doe sthat exempt you frm having to make sure yor child isn’t crawling up someone’s seat? You get to sit there and ignore your beautiful angel because a kid’s movie is now a day care center?

4

Preach it, brother!!!

5

Preach it!

The way we’re headed, everything will have four inches of foam padding on it within 5 years, so that irresponsible parents can feel free to let their kids roam all over the damned place without fear. Cuz it takes a village, ya know…

6

Damn!

I was fixin’ to come in her with both barrels blazin’, unloading The Wraith on you for making comments similar to those of LadySkandal’s on the temp board.

Then, I come in and you dump the bucket of cold water logic on me and I can do nothing but agree.

7

Here’s a related tale: as many of you likely realize, the 20th anniversary of E.T. is this summer, and they’re re-releasing an “enhanced” version. I can’t say I’m a huge fan, but I did see the movie when it came out. I’m 22 now, so you do the math. My mom and I are planning to see it together again just for kicks (E.T. was my very first movie-in-the-theatre ever, and as a movie lover, I figure it’s an anniversary worth remembering).

I asked my mom how I behaved during the movie. She said I was really interested, and while I might have asked a question now and again, I wasn’t running up and down the aisles or throwing popcorn. That’s because I wanted to see the movie. My mom didn’t drag me to something I had no interest in, so I didn’t have a problem! It was a children’s movie. Time Machine is not a kids’ movie.

I think the problem is not so much the kids, but that the parents want to see the film and drag the kids along. They’re used to screaming and playing, so they’re not bothered, but they don’t think about the other people who paid to see the movie.

I am a lot less tolerant of people who know better, quite frankly. For example, during the Lord of the Rings, a wonderful little family (of adults) sat down behind us. One of them had the most horrible hacking, phlegm-spewing cough ever. I sympathize, but if you’re ill, stay home! The whole group was constantly getting up and sitting down. Worst of all, one of the group kept saying really stupid things VERY LOUDLY, and talking through the most dramatic scenes. When Gandalf was dragged from the Bridge of Khazad-dum, said moron apparently missed his last words, so just as the whole scene is sinking in, he loudly goes “WHAT DID HE SAY?” and ruins the moment. Said loudmouth also remarked incredibly loudly when Lurtz was killed by Aragorn: “HEY, HE CUT HIS HEAD OFF!” No kidding! Gee, I wondered what happened and I don’t think I could have figured that out. The whole group seemed to have major problems following the plot, leading the group to start dicussing – again, loudly – “Who IS that guy?” seemingly every time a character other than Frodo or Gandalf appeared. Re: Aragorn, Gimli, the other hobbits, Saruman… but only after characters were already introduced. Not to mention constantly asking “What’s going on??” and nobody in the group being able to explain anything useful, but still loudly. Urgh.

8

There’re an awful lot of parents who don’t seem to understand that going out to a movie is not a Graven In Stone RIGHT! I would say that a bunch of people inappropriately bringing screaming kids to the theater had ruined “Batman Returns” for me, but on the whole…I mean, shit, it was “Batman Returns.”

But anyhow, word up. I’ve never thought that my kids had the right to be at a movie (especially not PG-13 or R for chrissakes), nor do they belong in an upscale restaurant (unless I’m willing to devote 100% of my time and attention to their behavior), nor at any other “grown-up space” venue.

(Which does not include bank or post office lines. :D)

9

I dunno. I simply don’t go to see anything under a 12-rating unless it is night time because I know that this is going to happen. Or if I go, I’m ready for it.

To me it’s like complaining that kids are splashing in the pool or running in the park. It’s a fact of life!

I don’t have kids, my friends don’t have kids and my relatives who have kids all have well-behaved kids and are Good Parents ™, so it’s not like I’m defending my own or anything here. I’ve just never thought about the phenonemon as anything other than an immutable law of the universe. I’ll be pissed off if there is a kid present in a film starting at 8pm, 'cos that is past their bedtime and they’ll be overtired and irritable - now they’re eating into adult’s time. But a 3pm matinee of a PG or U certificate? What did I expect?

But if you want to carry on getting all worked up about something you have no control over, knock yerselves out.

pan

10

kabbes , we don’t have the same rating system in the US.

We do have ratings like G (Everyone allowed in with or without a Guardian), PG-13 (Parental Guidance for 13 and under), PG (Parental Guidance), R (I think it means noone under 17 allowed in without a Guardian). As you can see, each rating makes the exception of “Parental Guidance” therefore there is no Ratings that would guarantee no children. The only thing that the Ratings guarantee is that children cannot get into certain movies without a supervising adult accompanying them. Unfortunately, the “supervising adult” sometimes does not really do any supervisng to speak of.

11

OK tevya, that does make a difference.

I suggest you all lobby your government to get a UK-style rating system imposed!

pan

12

Okay, slightly inflammatory title, but the content is pretty much on. 20 month old China bambina reminds me when there’s something on TV that’s a little to intimidating, so I certainly wouldn’t drag her to see Bloodsport Versus Aliens Part Duex or anything like that in a theater. She hasn’t even been to a theater. Actually, refreshing to read rants that say they expect kids to be kids at the appropriate time/venue/movie rating.

Dang, it’s irritating enough trying to be a socially responsible parent and some other dickhead lets demon child from hell go wild. And of course I have to be the heavy with my own kid when I won’t let her join in what is obviously awesome but socially inappropriate fun.

13

kabbes:
In the US, the only rating with restrictions is R. (Technically, there’s NC-17 also, but you really never see movies get that rating.) For a R-rated film, you need to be 17 to get in by yourself, but anyone can get in if they are accompanied by someone 21 or older. You want to take your 3-year-old into Natural Born Killers? Sure, go right ahead! Some people will do things like that, so you can’t really be sure going in beforehand of what to expect.

14

Just like I posted in Skandal’s temp board thread, parents who bring toddlers to movies are jerks. Well, if the movie is The Land of the Dinosaurs or Darkwing Duck, then it’s understandable.

But toddlers cannot conform their behavior to acceptable standards in a movie theater for 2 or more hours. Hell, I can’t imagine a 3 year old doing it for half an hour. It really isn’t fair to the kid or the other movie goers.
Hey, I don’t get to cuss in this thread? Damnit!

15

Oh I just love it when parents bring their very young children to movies that the children have no interest in, are incapable of sitting quietly during, and do not supervise those kids once they’re inside the theatre.

I saw A Beautiful Mind, which would’ve been fantastic had it not been for Mr. & Ms. Talking-too-loudly and a few kids under 6 years old who considered the theatre’s seats to be more or less amusement park rides.

Then there was American Pie II at 6 in the evening. Two young boys, elementary school aged, in the theatre apparently by themselves. No adult-type person sat anywhere near them, nor did one talk to them at any point before the movie started. The entire movie was punctuated by very loud, very young voices proclaiming things like ‘TWO GIRLS KISSED!!!’

As for restaurants, I’ve formed an opinion based on both being a patron and being an employee. As a patron, I do not pay $60/plate at Le Pommier or Top of the Triangle to have someone else’s toddler rub mashed potatoes into the back of my chair. Part of the reason I’m willing to shell out so much money for a dinner is to enjoy the atmosphere of the restaurant - upscale, formal, quiet. Damnit in a restaurant that has a violinist, I should be able to HEAR the violinist - not a few kids running around singing the latest from Barney the Dinosaur.

As an employee, I have seen parents who allowed their small children to climb on tables and counters, to fiddle with silverware and place settings, to throw food on the floor, to grind food into the carpet, to run up to other patrons and hit them, blow their noses in the table cloths, handle all the items on the dessert cart, etc… What the hell are they thinking that they can’t either control their kids in a manner appropriate for the location or leave the kids at home with a sitter?

Some movies and restaurants are designed for families, or specifically made to attract young kids. I would NEVER moan about children being children at Chuck E. Cheese, but I’ll also likely never stop complaining about parents who can’t tell the difference between Chuck E. Cheese and Otto E Mezzo.

16

I’ve come to hate going to the movies for precisely the reasons articulated so well above. I feel bad, most of all, for the kids; I’m an adult and I can barely sit through some of the crap I’ve seen. Sometimes the kids just can’t understand what’s happening on screen, and sometimes the material just isn’t appropriate. I once saw a family–family!–at The Sixth Sense; the kids looked to be about 6 and 8 year old, by my estimation. I was a little freaked out by some of the stuff in that movie, and obviously the kids were because the whole family left about halfway into the movie, ridiculed and castigated by the crowd as they walked up the aisle. The bottom line is many people simply don’t give a shit about how their behavior affects others around them, and often get angry when confronted by those of us who just want to have a nice night out. A friend of mine went to see a movie, and politely asked the people seated in front of him to please be quiet (seeing as how the movie’s started, and all). They proceeded to threaten him verbally and push back on their seats to the point that he left the theater instead of put up with their bullshit.
On a sidenote, and I don’t have the wrath or time to start a rant, but maybe it’s something about being in an enclosed space; many of these same behaviors apply to parenting capabilities on long airplane flights.

17

One of my favorite kids-at-movies stories was when I saw ‘The Mummy’ (the Brendan Frasier one). I don’t remember what it was rated, and the kids behind me weren’t ill-behaved, so this is kind of off my own topic, but anyway…

SO these two kids are maybe ten years old or so. And their mother is happily letting them watch a fairly gross and violent movie. HOWEVER…when there were naked breasts on the screen for a few seconds, the mom tells them to close their eyes. Cause who knows what would happen if these kids found out about breasts.

18

Oh, Legomancer, you’ve touched on something near and dear to my heart. And yes, it’s a little off the topic as well, but you started it. The first movie I ever had parentally censored by Mom holding her nightgown out in front of the tv screen was Bachelor Party (which may give some indication of my age!), when the stripper/bellydancer came on the scene. But watching the donkey eat all the drugs, freak out and die was okay, as well as the porno movie scene when they first get into the suite. But it was also okay (hey, foreign films and Nazi documentaries for the kids!), for Dad to show me “Triumph of the Will” and “The Tin Drum” when I really had no idea what was going on. I was like ten.

19

There is a trend in US theaters not allow anyone who qualifies for a child-price ticket in any movie starting after a certain time. I think the cut-off time is 6PM in most cases. There may be an exception for movies rated “G”.

20

EVery theater I’ve ever been to has a policy that when customers complain about some one, action is taken.

Every one.

This would include the children running amok (tho’ I would tend to point out that in Land of the Lost part 45 you should expect it and not complain), the cell phone, the loud teenagers, the seat kicking etc.

Restaurants - well, I posted elsewhere that I always brought the “Ben Be Quiet” bag of quiet toys, games, coloring books etc. At age 4 and a half, he told the waitress at Red Lobster that he liked the ambiance there. It does drive me nuts that folks will go somewhere and expect toddler/little kid to sit for longer than is appropriate for their age.

But, again, ,my tendency is to offer then some small plastic toy from the now semi retired Ben Be Quiet Bag, I get a nice quiet dinner, all is good with the world. If there was some small child running from table to table, the manager should be contacted - this becomes a risk for the restaurant, and just like the loud drunk, they’d rather keep the good customers than allow ijiots the run of the place.

That’s been my experience anyhoose.