Just after our youngest was born, my friend came and visited us in the hospital. My wife’s younger sister was there as well and “Mike” was making conversation with “Sharon,” telling her how good she was with babies and much she must be looking forward to having her own.
Mike was ignoring my unsubtle hints at changing the subject and Sharon wasn’t going to tell him about having her overies removed as part of the breast cancer treatment for which she wasn’t given great odds of beating.
Finally grabbed him and pulled him out of the room. What is it about babies which makes people stupid?
I don’t ask questions, I volunteer information and let them respond if they wish.
That particular guy was overjoyed to hear that we had a baby with a terminal condition but didn’t have an abortion.
What he didn’t know was that we didn’t find out until it was too late, that we may or may not have had an abortion but I sure as hell support the right of women to chose.
My 24-year-old brother died (very unexpectedly) in his sleep in 2006. He was living with my mother and she found him. I was living across the country, working in my first tenure-track teaching job.
Here’s what I/we found helpful. This will vary, of course, based on personalities and situations:
-Rather than the obligatory “what can I do to help?” just help. For example, I had to leave hastily and my dear colleagues emailed to let me know that all my classes were covered and not to worry about anything on that end. I didn’t have to ask for help, it just got done.
-Same with mom: her nurses teamed up to cover her supervisory duties. Friends and work colleagues took turns bringing over dinner and drinks.
-Let grieving folks know you’re there for them after the flurry of funeral services/“public grieving” period. I found that the most difficult time for me was after all the activity and I felt the expectation to “get back to normal” and the support dear friends gave during this time was very much needed.
-If the family/deceased isn’t religious, refrain from offering religious platitudes: No, God didn’t call Jackie back because “it was his time” and the “angels needed him.” Jackie suffered a massive, anomalous brain hemorrhage at age 24, no loving deity was involved. It’s just a random, inexplicable tragedy.
This is so true. My dear friend who was staying with us for several days during the horrible funeral/burial period just up and took down my Christmas tree for me. It was a task I know would have been just too much. But I got up one morning and there she was, packing up all the ornaments. God bless 'er.
The sentiment that parents shouldn’t have to bury their children has been around forever. The reality is that it still happens, and probably always will.
Religious people don’t want to hear the “S/he was too good for this earth, so God called him/her home” thing either. :rolleyes:
The weekend after Sandy Hook, my pastor and his family were at a community event, and they overheard a little girl ask her mother, “Why did that man shoot all those people?” and Mom replied, “Because God needed more little angels.” :eek: :smack: :mad: My pastor totally went off on her, to the point where some people (his wife included) seriously considered calling the police; he told her, in so many words, that he was a pastor and while we don’t know why it happened, it was NOT because “God needs little angels”.
I lost my twin daughters over 11 years ago. They were born prematurely a month or so after WhyNot had her premie. Unlike WhyNot we never got to bring our kids home. They lived only two weeks before passing.
Things I remember bothering me:
-Knowing we were not religious a female pastor in the NICU asked my wife and I several times over the two weeks if we wanted our daughters baptised. She seemed very distraught when we repeatedly told her no.
-The loss was extra rough since we had gone through invitro. Rough money wise since we had financed it ourselves. Rough physically on my wife because of the repeated doctor visits and dozens of injections over the course of the pregnancy. It was difficult to get any joy out of other people’s “I’m pregnant!” news over the next few years especially if it came with “We weren’t even trying.”
-My own father asked me at the funeral “Are you going to try again?” I was more shocked than angry and had to tell him “We don’t know yet and you better not ask my wife that question.”
-WhyNot started a thread last year something about “My nicu kid just turned 10, can you believe it.” Ashamedly I couldn’t bring myself to open that one.
Things I’ll always be grateful for:
-I found out later that the owner of the company I worked for at the time told my boss and the HR staff that he didn’t want me bothered by any medical costs. He wanted everything covered 100% by insurance, the company, or his own pockets.
I never paid a dime. I later found out the medical bills approached almost half a million dollars.
-My brother-in-law whom I hadn’t seen in years demanded all funeral expenses be sent to him.
-Member Eliahna whom I don’t know sent me an unprompted PM from half way around the world last year in remembrance of my daughters passing wishing me the best.
-My wife, whom after hearing how the loss of a child often causes couples to divorce, decided to use it as an opportunity to strengthen our marriage. She also bravely pushed forward immediately with another round of IVF. Our son turned 10 this past May.
It’s really hard to focus on gratitude in the midst of grief but sharing about my miscarriage helped me connect with so many people who had gone through similar things. I was completely socially isolated at the time but I received so much support here and elsewhere online. There’s this unofficial rule you shouldn’t share pregnancy news until after the first trimester but I’m glad I shared and I would do it again. We’ve decided to adopt now. Seven years and counting that I’ve desperately wanted children, and now we’re trying to save the money as quickly as possible.
There are a lot of ugly people in the world. My charitable thoughts at the time were the with that something similar happen to them. I’m definitely not an angel. Then I finally realized that it didn’t have anything to do with me and was just a reflection of their internal state.
I hope the past decade has helped them mature more.
That all is totally cool. The PMs I received both after the losses and congratulations after Beta-chan really meant a lot.
Thanks for all the help guys, I haven’t replied since I made this thread as things have been a bit hectic over here.
Unfortunately my cousin passed away yesterday at the age 20, he was the same age as me…
My great grandmother who was in her mid-90s when she died, had her two year old son die in her arms of scarlet fever. She never “got over it” and would get teary telling stories about him until her death. At one point, as her health was declining, she made the comment that when Jesus brought her home, she would be with Lawrence (her husband) and Clyde (her son).
My aunt lost her son in his 30s. He and I were the same age as well.
A suggestion: the parent are likely overwhelmed at his point, but the hardest part is in a couple of weeks when the rest of the world moves on.
I wrote a letter to my aunt talking about all the happy memories I had of my cousin and how meaningful his life was for me. Afterward my aunt said how much she appreciated it.
