Could be that this is it , because my mental picture is completely different. I envision neither someone who is in and out all the time , nor someone who has never been in my home. I envision various friends and relatives who have moved out of NYC and find themselves here with unexpected free time. And I emphasize the unexpected- if they’re going to be here for a week on vacation, of course the visiting is prearranged.The drop- in would be if they were here for a week on business and the Monday evening team-building event was cancelled, or if they were driving through NY on the way to somewhere else.
Local people might unexpectedly ring my bell in walking-around weather, but chatting on the stoop is acceptable in that case.
I don’t generally answer the door for unexpected visitors, since they are almost always sales calls or solicitations for charity.
My wife is more fussy about the state of the house for guests, so I tend to follow suit: we work together to get the house tidied up before a visitor shows up. We had an overnight guest show up a day early a while back. It was kind of a fluke that I bothered to answer the door that particular time, since I don’t usually do so. Wife was pretty stressed out: guest room bed was not made, room needed to be dusted, laundry was drying all over the living room, and so on, so we were scrambling to get things in order while our premature guest watched the goings-on. In addition to the stress of prepping the house unexpectedly like that, my wife was annoyed because she was extremely busy with work; she had budgeted her time specifically to allow for this guest’s visit, and could ill-afford the extra time required to entertain this guest for another day.
Houseguests ought to call well before they ring the doorbell. There’s no telling what they might be interrupting - a good movie, an afternoon of BDSM play, or just a messy household that leaves the host feeling self-conscious. A phone call at least 10-15 minutes before arrival is still an interruption (earlier, if you know farther ahead of time), but at least it gives the host some time to prepare for the visit - put away the toys and lube, toss the dishes in the dishwasher, whatever.
There’s people who have standing invitations to my house, and I to theirs, but for different reasons we’re rarely in the same place at the same time. That’s the kind of people who will “drop by” - but asking first, because in this clan of “bad arses for a seat”, it’s impossible to keep track of where the heck is everybody supposed to be. It would be a bit silly for someone to come to my house, walk up the three flights of stairs, and then discover that Mz Is Never Home, who would’a thought it, isn’t home.
That is very different, but even then, if I were the one unexpectedly free, I would never say “I am free this evening: can I come over to your place?”; I would say “I was wondering if you were free?” or “Would you like to hang out?” and let them be the one to extend the invitation to their home, or suggest something else.
The closest analogy I can think of is the thing above about asking if you are going to be invited to a wedding. Yes, they can say no, but it’s not cool to put them on the spot to be the one to do so.
Luckily, we live within a stone’s throw of three pubs, which act as neutral territory for when friends are in the area. The closest we’ve ever got to an unexpected visit is a text saying “X is down - pub, now?” We can then, if the house is tidy and we aren’t feeling antisocial, invite people back for further socialising.
Texting has revolutionised this area of social activity, I think.
I don’t like uninvited guests. When I’m having people over, I clean up. Also, I have a bit of social anxiety, so I like a little time to get myself psyched up to hang out with people. When I’m not expecting you, I can’t do those things, and it makes me stressed.
That said, I do enjoy socializing. I just like to feel a little more in control of the situation.
Luckily, now that I have young children people don’t generally expect me to be free to hang out at the drop of a hat. This was more of a problem when I was younger.
I learned early on in my life to make it very clear in budding friendships and work situations that I DESPISE unannounced visitors. My home is my castle, I’ve worked hard to make it that way, see the fucking moat? I really don’t invite people to my home, like, ever. I don’t like people in my home. I’d love to meet you outside, somewhere, have a blast.
And it’s been my experience that the people who drop in unexpectedly are always the judgy judgemental types, too.
My house is never showroom-worthy and now that I am going back to school it’s untidy regularly. Oh, I make sure the kitchen and bathroom stays clean, and I pick up regularly, but I don’t really care that much about dusting (what a waste of time that is!) and other inconsequential “chores” people invent for themselves.
I once had a coworker show up at my door, years ago (that’s how I learned). It was clear she expected to be invited inside. Never-never-never. I’m even wary now about telling people where I live.
It’s never "Can I come over to your place? " That sounds like something a 10 year old would say, and I might find that off-putting. It’s always something more vague , like "Are you free? I’d like to stop by " which , at least in my view, doesn’t carry any implication that we’re staying at my house or even that the person specifically wants to visit my house . I’d feel perfectly fine responding.“Yeah , I’m free. Come pick me up and we’ll go for coffee”
The two of us have a large, 4 bedroom house with 2 dogs, 1 cat and a bird that we clean top to bottom once a week. At most, there might be a bit of fur piled up on the hardwood floor or blankets and pillows and a couple pop cans in the upstairs TV room from the previous night’s activities. The thing is, we rarely have the shades on the main floor open since it’s street level, so the main living room can seem a bit dark. So the house is generally in ready-to-show condition
We also live in an up-and- coming neighborhood, Northeast Minneapolis, and are always open to have more drop-in visitors. When we see friends.family who mention on facebook that they’re at a restaurant just down the street, we tell 'em to stop by next time they’re in the neighborhood. Got beer and wine in the fridge.
However, if it’s people with children…well, that’s a different story. Our dogs aren’t quite used to them. We’re slowly socializing them, but they’re not used to having lickable faces at that level and so they will take advantage of that. There’s also the fact that we have a ton of antique pottery frickin’ everywhere that could easily get broken.
I’m pretty much a slob when I’m hanging out at home, so I need at least a hour’s notice if someone wants to come by. If they just show up and knock at the front door, there’s a chance I won’t answer.
I don’t do unannounced drop-ins, or invite myself to people’s houses. Heck, even when I’m expected I usually call ahead.
And I get the idea of not putting people in the position of saying no. For me, saying no is not particularly hard, and I’ll make up something if I have to. But no, I wouldn’t put someone into that position.
I didn’t like call that passive-aggressive though. It’s aggressive-aggressive!
I think I am thinking of the whinned "I was just aaaaaaskiiiiinnnng . . .you can’t blame me for asking . . . " kind of remark a certain type of child or adult-child makes, that attempts to make the problem about the listener’s unwillingness to be rude, instead of the unreasonableness of the request. To me, that’s passive aggressive because it it all about playing innocent and trying to make the other person feel like they are the bad guy.
Between my friends and I it seems no difficulty in understanding if you, ‘drop by’, it* could* be inconvenient. But we’re friends, so we’ll understand if the house is a mess. Saying, “no, no, we don’t want to interrupt enjoy your, dinner, visit, afternoon! Just stopped in to say ‘Hey’, give you a hug! Let’s get together soon!”, and continue on our way. We are open, they are open, somehow it works for us.
Last week I had the unpleasant experience of a friend of my family’s (not my friend, and not someone I like) drop in on me without warning, and since I was upstairs cleaning my bathtub at the time, I guess I didn’t hear her knock (if she even knocked!). She just came into my house and yelled, “Hellooooo?” at me up the stairs. Scared the shit out of me. I had forgotten to shut the garage door after I got home, and she just walked in.
Because I am a huge cowardly dumbass, I didn’t tell her never to drop by unannounced again (let alone invite herself into my house JFCWTFNO), but I have had a visit with my therapist since then and I’m prepared to drop the boundary on her next time we’re in contact. If she comes by again without announcement, I’m not answering the door, and I’m making sure my garage door is closed.
If she were my family or a close friend, I wouldn’t have minded so much, but Jesus, lady, we barely know each other, have some boundary awareness, would you please?
