People who ask for what they want in non-obvious ways

[Nava]

@Lacunae_Matata

I’m really curious about others’ opinion, though: should I really have to say (explicitly) “Honey, I’d like for you to at least take the kids to the store so that they can get me a card for special occasions, or help them destroy the house with glitter and glue to make me something, or something really minor just in recognition of the day.”? (How in hell am I supposed to punctuate that, anyway?)

“I would like something, but I would not like eating out, flowers or candy… So, a card or something like that?”

It’s open-ended enough that you’re not doing the verbal equivalent of grabbing your man by the wrist and dragging him into Hallmark’s, but clear enough that he should be able to understand it (hopefully, Dad never understood Mom’s taste in flowers and I’m afraid I inherited his taste… when I buy flowers for Mom, I choose the ones I don’t like and, hey, it works!).

When my mother says something like “the washing needs hanging”, we answer “does it?” Then she says “someone should hang the washing”, “absolutely, Mom.” Eventually she ends up saying “hang the washing” - at that point, we ask for the Magic Word. Hey, if we’re supposed to do it while training the Kidlets, we ought’a do it while training Mom, too!

[tdn]

@zweisamkeit

Even now, they (his parents) have said that I’m family and I can just go to the fridge if I want something and that is just not happening, ever. That is WRONG. NO NO NO.

Please tell me that you’re working on this.

[Bosstone]

@Little_Plastic_Ninja

This is how I was raised too, more or less. Mom was very very careful to make sure I was seen as a well-mannered child.

I guess it must all depend on what your family sees as good manners. Though I actually can’t say with any certainty that this is what my family instilled in me, I grew up with the notion that proper manners was to not refuse offers of hospitality. I think it must come from my (Jewish) grandmother, who was not satisfied until I had all the food and drink I could possibly want, and she’d be mortified if she couldn’t feed me. So even if I wasn’t particularly hungry when I went to visit her, if she offered to make a sandwich, a sandwich I got.

[zweisamkeit]

@tdn

Please tell me that you’re working on this.

Considering that in my first post about this issue, I said:

Even after several discussions about this, it took quite awhile for me to get to, “oh sure, [beverage] would be great, thank you!!” It was really hard to do this and I was convinced she’d think I was some jerk for accepting her offer, even though my logical brain knows that she wouldn’t offer if she didn’t want me to accept.

My answer is “yes”. Though I still refuse to just root around in someone’s fridge. That still strikes me as rude; I’ve never done that and never will.

[Bosstone]

@zweisamkeit

Though I still refuse to just root around in someone’s fridge. That still strikes me as rude; I’ve never done that and never will.

I do agree with this. If someone offers me something, I’ll usually accept, but I won’t go into their fridge even if they say it’s okay. The only people with whom I’m that relaxed are my own parents.

[Shot_From_Guns]

@BigT

I find that getting overly dramatic and pointing out what is obvious to everyone is another part of Womanese.

And please help yourself from the further supply of :rolleyes:.

@chizzuk

I find it rude to keep asking someone if they want food or drink after they have refused. It feels pushy and patronizing. If I say I don’t want anything, then that’s what I mean!

Unfortunately, with certain parts of Mom’s side of the family, it’s rude to immediately accept, in case the person is only offering out of politeness and doesn’t really want to share. Or whatever. So they offer once or twice (possibly just being nice), then you refuse once or twice (in case they’re just being polite), and if they really mean it, they’ll keep asking, at which point you know it’s okay to accept.

With the end result, of course, that if you only offer once and take them at their word when they refuse, *they’re *going to be mad at *you *for not offering again. :rolleyes: Deeply stupid IMO, but that’s how it works with them.

@Lynn_Bodoni

OK, I don’t get this one. Is SUDO supposed to be some “Simon Says” sort of thing?

More detailed explanation:

SUDO = superuser do. Basically, it says, “Even though I’m logged in as this other account without the privileges to do what I’m asking you to do, treat this particular command as coming from an account with those privileges.” (And you also provide the password for that superuser/root account–it’s not like you can magically gain high-level privileges just by using SUDO.)

@zweisamkeit

We’d go to his parents’ house for dinner and get there early. His mom would always ask if I wanted water, pop, wine, whatever. And I would always always always say, “oh, no thank you, I’m fine” even if I was thirsty. I literally could not bring myself to just say, “oh sure, water would be great, thank you!” because it seemed so rude to do so, like I was some beverage hog and wanting to create work for her.

I’ve had to work very, very hard to overcome this tendency. And I still sometimes play the guessing game with people I don’t know–“Oh god, do they expect me to politely refuse the first time?!”

I generally just compromise by very politely accepting the first offer, if I’m actually interested in whatever it is. “Oh, yes please, a lemonade would be lovely, if it’s not too much trouble!” Etc., etc.

@zweisamkeit

Though I still refuse to just root around in someone’s fridge. That still strikes me as rude; I’ve never done that and never will.

IMO, if the host offers to let you do it, it’s not rude, and it *may *be rude for you to not follow their customs when you’re in their house. (E.g.: Would you refuse to remove your shoes when entering a home in Japan, even though it might be rude for you to do so without invitation at a home in America?)