This is only a small thing, but it rilly rilly pissed me off. You’re having a normal conversation with a person about, say, penguins. It goes as follows:
Me: So I hear penguins are birds, and live in cold places.
Other person: That’s right, and did you know they have wings, but can’t fly?
Me: Oh really? That’s interesting! Did you know that they can swim, too?
Other person: <staring at me as if I’m crazy>Oh… I don’t know. I think maybe fish can swim underwater.
Me: Yes, and penguins can too. I saw it on telly. Isn’t that interesting!
<silence>
Other person: So, I know lots about fish. The bream swims underwater…
Me: <thinking>can’t you at least at some point maybe once in your life actually acknowledge that you are not the fount of all penguin trivia? This is meant to be a two-way thing, you know. Gah!
Also: people who cannot let a comment pass without trying to help out. It’s nice, and all, but it’s damn irritating. Example:
Me: Gosh, I’m tired.
Other person: Why not try going to bed earlier?
Me: Well, it’s just because I had a lot of work to do today.
Other person: Why not try changing your job? Or you could mention it to your boss. Or try arranging your time better. Why not write a to-do list each day and follow it? Look, you could write ‘to do’ at the top and write a list. That would solve all your problems.
Me: <headbutts wall in frustration>
Also: people who need to talk about themselves ALL THE TIME, people who preface any and all sentences with ‘I’m not being funny, but’ or ‘At the end of the day’, people who, when recounting previous conversations give themselves a serious, reasonable voice and make their interlocutor sound like Beaker off The Muppets, people who use the same tone of voice when talking about the most inane, truistical things ever (‘Oh yes, I do like apples. I think they are – you know, tasty. I may be wrong, but I think apples are a fruit, and are considered to be quite good for you’).
People whose response to any criticism is “Well, you do it too.” I’ve had someone say this to me when the subject being discussed was something I wouldn’t do if you put a gun to my head.
bifar, I confess to being the person who can’t help but help. If you’re looking to commiserate with someone, I usually not your gal. I can’t help it, I’m a problem solver by nature.
I admit, though, I’ve gotten better. Instead of asking what time you went to bed, I would have asked if you’d gotten enough rest the night before, if it had been a late night or something along those lines.
I hate to be whined at. If I can’t do anything about it, why tell me? I expect the same from others, too. When I call customer service for something, I don’t want the CSR to say awwww. I just want him/her to fix it.
Here’s a typical scenerio of what goes on in the Tech household. I’ll come home from a horrendous day at work. There have been plenty of them of late, too. I’ll walk in looking like something the cat drug in and my hubby comments that I look like I need a hug. I don’t need a hug. A hug doesn’t fix anything. Do I take the hug? Of course! I take it, squeeze back, give him a kiss and thank him profusely.
I seem to have gotten way off topic. Sorry. Please, rant on.
How would you prefer they respond to this? I think if they went “oh” or failed to acknowledge you at all, you’d be ranting about that too. You’re obviously saying it to draw a reaction. If not, then you’re just talking to be talking.
I mean, I do it too, but you’re the one ranting here. So which is worse, the one who cannot hold a conversation or the one who forces a conversation when there’s really nothing to say?
Ah, but it’s the skilled conversationalist who can tell when someone is seeking advice or is just looking to vent. I’m not all that skilled so I’ll usually just ask, “do you want some input about the situation or do you want me to just look sympathetic and nod a lot?” Strangely, that doesn’t always go well either
It’s not the helpfulness that’s so bad, it’s the sometimes-present pretentious demeanous. “I’m tired” isn’t an invite for you to tell me how I’m doing everything wrong, including not sleeping enough, sleeping too much, sleeping with the wrong people, or sleeping with the fishes.
If you’re ever in need of conversation, you could go to the Dungeon Room, where they serve real Hawaiian food in an authentic medieval English dungeon atmosphere.
Your first sample conversation reminded of this scene perfectly.
Ah yes, I’m far from being a good conversationalist. Given the chance I would steer all conversations towards sex, hobbits, or sex and hobbits. Or Hugh Jackman. But meh. I can moan a little, can’t I, with someone getting at me and making me feel guilty? Especially at the end of a lo-o-o-ng day.
Ah yes, I’m far from being a good conversationalist. Given the chance I would steer all conversations towards sex, hobbits, or sex and hobbits. Or Hugh Jackman. But meh. I can moan a little, can’t I, with someone getting at me and making me feel guilty? Especially at the end of a lo-o-o-ng day.
Gah! My husband is the same way! I’ve been able to train him a bit, though, at least in certain areas.
Old scenario:
Me: [whiny voice] “I have my perioooooddddd!”
Husband: “Did you take some Advil? How about a heating pad? Would you feel better sitting in another position? Are there excercises you could do? Do you think you should cut down on salt at certain times of the month…”
Drove me nutty.
Finally, I just sat him down and told him that the most effective treatment for menstrual symptoms was to sit on the couch and whine about it. And that he was interfering with the treatment by trying to be helpful. I told him that he should a) offer sympathy, and b) offer to fix me a cup of tea. Not that I ever want a cup of tea at that time, but being offered a cup of tea does one feel better.
New scenario:
Me: [whiny voice] “I have my perioooooddddd!”
Husband: Oh, poor boo boo! I’m sorry you feel bad. Would you like a cup of tea?
Me: No thank you.
I worked with a girl like this, who just couldn’t seem to come up with anything to say to further the conversation. She always took it in another direction. Frinstance:
Me: Geez I saw this horrible accident on the way to work. Fire, ambulances, paramedics, the whole…
Her: I saw a bad accident 2 years ago.
Me: Yeah? Well anyway it looked like this one car was coming off the ramp from blah blah blah and blah blah.
Her: My mom got in an accident once.
Me: <sigh>
etc. etc. etc.
It wasn’t a matter of getting back advice, as much as not helping the conversation progress. It seemed every response was a non sequiter. After a while, it just wasn’t worth trying to talk to her.
