People who can't let things go, you are the reason people lie.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

[QUOTE=Little Nemo]

So you’re happy when the person calls you up and suggests the two of you go out for dinner and a movie this Friday. But there’s a problem - you have an unbreakable commitment on Friday. And it’s something you’d really prefer not to discuss in detail, like you’re taking your mother to see her probation officer.
[/quote]

This would not present a dilemma to me whatsoever.

“I had a great time last week. Wanna go out on Friday?”

“Oh wow! I had a great time too! Can’t do Friday, but Saturday would be swell.”

I would never do that. Problem solved.

62

The professor of my Human Sexuality course, 20 some years ago, would say that “No can only mean no, when yes means yes.” He wasn’t trying to make an excuse for date rape, but trying to explain that when guys hear “No,” but then get a green light, that’s really setting the guy up to misinterpret signals the next time. If the girl means yes, she should say yes, instead of saying no so she doesn’t look too easy, or whatever. Several posters have referenced this, but I’m bored at work.

And yeah, it is really hard in dating. From the other side, when I was dating, a really would have preferred a solid “no” than the stupid soft “yes or maybe” which really means no. I’m sure it’s some misguided attempt to be gentle or spare my feelings, but it’s incredibly frustrating:

Do you want to go out again Friday night?
I can’t on Friday, but maybe another time *I really mean no, never, but I won’t say that.
*OK, how about on Saturday or Sunday?
Those don’t work for me either. Please stop asking.
Next weekend then, I’ll send you an email later. *You can see how long it’s been since I dated, we used to arrange things with email!
<*Never replies to email>

Would have saved everybody a lot of trouble if she’d just said, no, I’m not interested.

One girl I went out with a couple of times after our second date emailed me to say, that while she had a good time, she thinks we both can tell there wasn’t really any chemistry between us, and wished me luck. That was fantastic! No hurt feelings, no annoying pestering, just a polite, but firm statement of intent.

63

Waited too late to edit this in my previous post.

But I think part of the issue is that guys who can’t recognize rejection delude themselves into thinking that a woman who actually likes them might lack the faculty to make this abundantly clear. So when she says “no”, they try to parse rays of hope out it. Like maybe “no, can’t make it” actually means “yes I secretly want to go out with you, but I can’t because my mother has to see her probation officer and I’m too chicken to suggest an alternative date.”

This is unattractive behavior because 1) it’s delusional thinking and 2) it’s overlooking what a woman is actually saying in favor of what the guy hopes she is saying.

64

Look, if you don’t ask, you don’t know, and I’ve heard plenty of women complain about guys they dated referencing things that the guy could easily fix (bad breath, bad hair, etc) if only the woman would speak up (instead of just slamming him to her friends).

But yes, in a lot of the examples provided, the guy isn’t getting the clue that he’s not going to get an answer and he should move on.

That being said, this is not just a male problem. I’ve seen plenty of women who dare to ASK (horror of horrors) why the guy won’t go out with her and then don’t accept that they’re not going to get an answer.

65

I think it’s really mean to not even answer the person… :frowning:

<sulk>

<sob>

66

Oh, it’s okay. Mine’s alive actually. We don’t get along either.

67

Yeah…not really. Guys keep getting older, but their dating pool (mostly women in the 22 to 29 age group) pretty much stays the same. Although the older a guy gets, it does seem like they have more issues.

IOW, guys aren’t becomming more desperate as they get older. It’s that the OP has a smaller pool of normal well-adjusted men to pick from because the good ones have already coupled off.

68

Unfortunately, folks like the woman in Princhester’s post perpetuate the idea that this is the right thing to do when one is told “No.”

69

I don’t get it. Why would you go for a lengthy, dishonest, rude response when you can go with a short, honest, rude reponse (e.g. “I don’t ever want to date you. I loathe you. Screw off.”)?

70

One thing I read on the Captain Awkward advice website was something like dating and attraction isn’t fair, and that’s not always fun but that’s okay.

Like let’s say John and Susie go out. The date is pleasant enough, but Susie doesn’t want to go on another date. Maybe it’s for some reason that John would think is fair, like they have much different religious or political views. Or maybe it’s something he would think was unfair, like John was in a fraternity and Susie has dated other fraternity guys and they’ve all been bad and so being a former frat guy is a deal breaker for Susie.

John knows that he’s a good guy and he’s not like the typical frat guy. He knows that Susie and him are compatible in many ways and he thinks that if she gave him a chance to prove himself, she would see that. But everyone is entitled to dealbreakers. Susie doesn’t owe him a chance, or anything else, other than not being unnecessarily rude to him.

I don’t think it’s usually one fixable thing that makes a woman reject a guy. It’s more like there were several little reasons, or no real chemistry between them, but when the woman is talking to her friends later she might just mention one or two. Unless you go into a full in-depth analysis with your friends after their dates to find out why they will or will not be going out again, you aren’t getting the full story.

71

I can’t believe this is how I find out your mother isn’t really dead.

72

I didn’t know the H stood for Harold. Learn something new everyday!

73
  1. the long response you quoted is neither rude nor dishonest.
  2. many women have found that when they give a terse response, the response frequently is “Jesus, bitch, what the fuck is your problem, you fat slut,” etc., etc., etc ad nauseam, and they would prefer to avoid that. They may be especially concerned about this kind of reaction and indeed a threat to their safety when the man has already demonstrated that he feels entitled to demand an explanation for her decision not to date him and to regard her “no” as the opening of negotiations rather than a “no.”
74

But it’s part of the Lord’s Prayer: Harold be thy name.

(I’ve heard others say the H is for Haploid.)

75

I’m sorry, what was the question again? The answer is no.

LOL. I’m not sure how old you think I am, but this is pretty funny. And yeah, because 25 year old chicks are totally into banging old dudes, and not cute young guys their age.

Yeah, I also never had swine flu.

76

I find the JennaMarbles face works for men too.

Warning: vulgar language
link

77

Our entire culture perpetuates that idea. Rewatching Empire Strikes Back as an adult, I was majorly skeeved out by the scene where they’re trying to repair the Falcon and Han backs Leia into a corner and starts rubbing her hand. She says ‘no, stop that’… and he keeps right on going. It’s portrayed as romantic. Ugh.

I think it’s kind of a red herring anyway. Yes, there are some women who say no as part of a game they want you to play. It doesn’t change anything - the appropriate response to ‘no’ is still to back the fuck off. Interpreting ‘no’ as ‘keep trying’ isn’t playing a good game, it’s fucking predatory.

78

She also has a tutorial for applying makeup when drunk. I think I like this girl.

79

Why?

80

I could have sworn it was “Howard be thy name”.