Breakup conversation with one of my ex-girlfriends (she was a psychiatrist)
Her: I don’t want to date you anymore
Me: why not?
Her: When a relationship is over I don’t spend more time or energy on it, this includes discussing why it didn’t work
I don’t know if this is always effective but I didn’t ask any more questions. FTR we were still friends (we were both members of the same small non-profit group that met once a month and we saw each other regularly after that with no fighting or yelling)
I used to carry cards that said things like, “I do, but not with you.” and “I’m sure you’re considered charming on your home planet.”
They ended many an unwelcome conversation.
And this isn’t just people who can’t let go of a failed date. Some folks seem to think their entire lives are a sales career, and they get some kind of a bonus for identifying and overcoming the root cause of no. The root cause is what I said, now leave me alone, end of story. That means you, shitty dates, friends, nosy lady at the office.
Ooh, speaking of nosy ladies at the office, that reminds me of the jerks who can’t let it go when I don’t want to eat the cake that Karen brought in. “Oh, you don’t like cake?” Cake is fine. “Are you on a diet?” I’m just not up for cake right now. “Oh, one slice won’t kill you.” Oh my God, I have the diabeetus, and the cake actually WILL kill me, okay? Gah!
Shit, I’d think so - that was certainly my aim at the time - but my mid-20s coworker told me she’d finally fucked some early-40s guy she met on Match after being half-bitchy to him for a couple weeks then finally agreeing to be “friends” (honey, no early-40s guy wants to just be “friends” with a hot blonde mid-20s gal). Then she was apparently shocked when he asked her if she was screwing other guys, she said no and he said good, but then she found out he was fucking another woman and she was pissed. :smack: So yeah, I guess apparently middle-age/older guys occasionally hit the jackpot.
One side benefit of actually having Diabetes. I can turn down any and all offered Office “treats” and have a legitimate excuse they can’t get past.
Of course, last month someone offered heavily frosted carrot cake (no thanks) while I was eating some dark chocolate. I said ‘no, I have diabetes and can’t have that much sugar’, they pointed to the chocolate, and I said “yup, I can only have so much and I can’t eat your sugar on top of this sugar.”
She said she couldn’t hang out this weekend because she was baking a cake to eat with her mom. I asked why I wasn’t invited too, and what kind of cake, and if I could talk to her mom to find out if she would really mind me hanging out or not, and if so why, and MOL sicced an attack mouse on me!
But I still want to send my condolences for the loss of her uncle, grandfather, sister in law, and pet iguana. I can’t believe the run of bad luck she has had this past week alone.
Uh-huh.
Cash to move to Chi-town…prefers to meet someone cool (implicit that she is necessarily cool)…used to giving no’s so much that that she’s tired of the BS (so hip her BS meter is on uberdrive)…hangers on up one thousand percent…
I knew her pretty well. She wasn’t angry with herself. She just goes for guys that are more confident and assholish than me. She liked me but thought I was a bit wimpy. She wanted me to push her because that would have shown confidence.
I agree with you but it wasn’t merely “portrayed as romantic” in some sort of totally culturally misplaced mis-step on the part of George Lucas. It was playing to an existing reality. Who did my young female friends wet their panties over from the Star Wars movies back when I was growing up? I’ll give you a clue (that you probably don’t need): it wasn’t Mark Hamill.
Assuming the datee has the confidence to say this sort of thing and/or doesn’t think playing hard to get is an appropriate way to play the game.
I always thought you were a guy. Oh, that’s right, you’re a guy who dates guys. Yeah, you’d know.
I used to get propositioned regularly, both by men who saw me at work and men who saw me out and around. A simple “no” was sometimes accepted, but more usually the guy wanted to know why, or he thought that I wanted to be persuaded, or he started telling me that I wasn’t all that. A simple “no, I’m married” or “my husband doesn’t like it when I go out with other men” was met with “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him”.
I gotta say, when a man started insulting me for refusing to go out with him, or tried to tell me that I should cheat on my husband, that just re-affirmed my notion that he wasn’t worth going out with (the asker, not my husband).
So let me ask you this, since you think Star Wars mirrors reality.
Are women who say “no” more of a turn on to men than women who say “yes”? Should we assume that this disinterested posture of hers has something to do with her status as a wet dream hottie among male Star Wars fans?
Letting someone try to arrange an appointment 20 or 30 times until they give up from frustration isn’t rude? Let me guess: you work for the cable company.
hogarth, I think you’re conflating two different varieties of pestering. One is the guy (or girl) who won’t take no for an answer when you don’t want to date them anymore, ever. The other is someone who won’t take no for an answer when you don’t want to hang out at a specific time.
These particular responses (“Maybe some other time,” etc.) are only for the latter situation. This is not a case where the pesterer is trying to arrange 20 or 30 different times, only to hear, “Nope, not that one either. But maybe some other time,” again and again. This is a case where the pesterer is insisting on one specific time (Friday night), refuses to accept, “Sorry, can’t do it,” and tries to brush aside any excuses given: “You’re tired? Well, you can just sleep in on Saturday!”
But the repetition technique can be applied for the dating situation as well, just with different responses. You don’t owe anyone an explanation, just a clear statement of your desires. And it’s not rude to repeat that until they get the picture:
