People who WILL BE SHOT under the Inky regime

Hey, bring it on. I’m dropping a campaign of 50,000 pieces designed to look like an invoice in June. Be warned. I’m armed.

But depending on how the accountants are greased I might be willing to volunteer…

Shoot all people who shoot people for blocking malls, grocery stores, parking lots, sidewalks, and buses and who don’t clear away the bodies afterwards!

[li] People who drain their oil into the ground or other stupendously stupid environmental abuses (e.g. pouring leftover pesticides into the storm drain, dumping a gallon of waste paint in a meadow). These people will be required to work in the sewage plants without the benefit of any rebreather or personal safety equipment. Uniform of the Day is a smelly tank top (those sleeveless ones) and gym shorts. No shoes allowed.[/li][li] Tailgaters. 'Nuff said. Punishment: Being tied to the back end of diarrheous (sp?) diary cattle for 2 weeks.[/li][li] Animal abusers. Punishment: living in one of those cages the VietCong made servicemen live in. Food once a day…if we remember. Placed in the hot sun in the middle of a Louisiana swamp or an Upper Peninsula cedar bog (ever heard of black flies?).[/li][/ul]

Not to bring a down note to the glorious revolution or to personally come down on you but… why do you folks do that? Sure it makes me look at that piece of mail, but once I realize it’s just a trick it leaves me pissed off at the product or service in question. “Ah!” An advertiser might say, “but at least you looked at it!” Yes, but only long enough to form a bad opinion about said product. If the service is lucky I’ll forget about it all together because I get tons of mail trying the same trick. If the service is unlucky I’ll remember that they’re an annoying company should I ever decide to be looking for a given product or service that they offer.

in their late teens/early twenties, who are entered in a “Career Choices” contest that is decided by the number of points that they “earn.”

Spider Woman: So what are you selling to earn these points?**

Addle-pated Ninny: I’m not selling anything.

She was selling magazine subscriptions. And when I told her I didn’t appreciate being lied to, she said “Well SMILE and HAVE a NICE DAY!” as she stomped off to pester the neighbors.


These people should be sterilized before they reproduce, and given jobs answering all the redirected annoyance telemarketing calls from the civlized (and I use that term lightly) world.

Hey Katie Killdare: Mea culpa! But only in retaliation for finding another vehicle snuggled up so close that I have to crawl in thru the passenger door and worm my way over to get under the wheel. Get too close too often and I WILL get even!

Shoot all drivers who insist on overtaking at 0.1 MPH and blocking an otherwise empty lane as they take 5 miles or greater to complete their manouever before finally pulling in and then reducing speed, slowing down the vehicle they were overtaking in the first place.

Shoot BjOrn !!(see “I’m a ghost” pit thread)

I’ll join the regime if I can kill the following:

People who blast car stereos
People who wiggle, dance, or pretend to play the drums behind the wheel while driving.
People who eat behind the wheel while driving.
People who think driving a minivan or SUV gives them the right of way.
People who let their kids sing in public.
People who like to hang their kids’ drawings in public view.
People who wear baggy pants that expose the cracks of their asses.
People who make pop icons like Brittany Speares into multi-million dollar stars.
People who favor tax increases but would not have to pay the extra tax themselves.
People who buy new cars while on Earned Income Credit or Welfare.
People who have another baby while on Earned Income Credit or Welfare.
People who subscribe to cable or HBO then ask for higher benefits while on Earned Income Credit or Welfare.

I’d be stenciling little assholes with an “X” over them on my car door every day if I could kill…

People who wait at a stop sign on a side road as you’re driving towards them on a road with a 50MPH speed limit. Then, at the last minute, they decide to pull out in front of you and take their fucking time, causing you to damn near swerve as you step on the brakes.

Goddamned peckerhead pricks.

Glad to answer. We do it for the most important reason of all: it works.

I do mostly business-to-business mailings and this sort of promotion:

#10 Envelope with teaser copy
Invoice slip with discount copy
Lift note with description of product and premium
#6 Business reply envelope

Generates money. Even though you didn’t do anything with it, just getting it open is a victory in and of itself. And a certain percentage of people who open direct mail pieces will purchase.

So if, by making it look like an invoice, I can raise my response rate from 0.5% to 0.9% that’s worth it.

Gee, maybe I should start an “Ask The Marketing Weasel” thread over in GD.

I agree with all your other points, but what’s so bad about dancing behind the wheel? I do this. This is not a bad thing. It makes a long commute almost bearable. (And sometimes it’s just the pee-pee dance! :slight_smile: )

Yeah we can’t kill folks for doing the pee pee dance. We’ll never catch em’. Those folks drive like a bat out of hell.


Could we please start the glorious awakening of the bright new day with the numbfucks from MCI, “my new local phone company,” who called me THREE FUCKING TIMES in a 40-minute stretch during dinner last night?

Thank you for your kind attention to my humble request.

Respectfully and revolutionarily yours,


After spending the morning on campus, I would like to add the following:

The Bursar’s Office. The entire office.

College students who believe that that their status as college students creates an invisible force field around them, giving them the ability to safely step off the sidewlk without looking to cross the street anywhere! In the crosswalk, near the crosswalk, having only a vauge notion that there are crosswalks, across minor streets through campus with 20MPH speedlimits or busy intersections through town where the SL is more like 40MPH. Monroe street alone has nine, NINE fucking crosswalks in a space of three blocks! Use the damned the things! That’s why we paid for them! But do NOT give anybody that dirty look when they just manage to stop in time not to hit your self absorbed bow wearing snooty sorority ass.



Those are my additions to the Drive to Eradicate Stupidity.

I own a Ford Crown Victoria LTD station wagon, biggest freakin’ car ever made that isn’t an SUV. And I just recently did this to someone. It works, I think, a lot better when your own car is

a) big enough to really wedge 'em in good, and
b) too old for you to care if they scratch it trying to get out.

Must post a somewhat belated round of applause for Eve – that was awesome!

I’d let Ralph Fiennes live, though. He’s kinda hot. :wink:

(I’ll have to see if I can find the updated lyrics from the 2000 UMGASS production – there was some good stuff in there… :D)

Well, now that’s my peeve. If you’d just come up with a good fucking product instead, you wouldn’t have to resort to such chicanery. Wow, we actually got them to open the envelope this time! Although I do appreciate your statistical treatment of human stupidity. More research needs to be done in this area…

I propose that postal and internet spammers to be made targets as well. I get about 7-10 pieces of regular mail a day, about 2/3 or more of it spam that I immediately heave. When I mail personal letters, they seem to get lost about 10% of the time. Coincidence?

When the Inky- regime is large enough to own a nuclear arsenal, I’ll personally press the button to level the Publisher’s Clearing House, and whoever the craven originator is for those damn recipe card schemes my wife always gets.

And credit card offers… 3 a day? C’mon! Set 'em on fire with their own damn mail, and let them choke on the fumes from all the glitzy stickers and stuff you’re supposed to peel and place on some fucking business reply card.

Arden reminded me of my own collegiate must-die list:
Cyclists who run through crosswalks or stop signs without stopping. I hate waiting for some jackass on a bike to pass when all the cars have stopped. I always fantasize about just suddenly sticking out my arm and clotheslining one of them.
People who stretch out full length on the couches on campus. What the hell runs through these morons’ minds? “Oh, there’s a couch, I’ll just lay down and take a nap because it’s unimaginable that any of the 50,000 other people on campus might not want to sit on the floor.”
All the telemarketers who call me and ask for Pedro Cortez. He apparently had my phone number before me-a fucking year and a half ago.

It ain’t chicanery. I’m fighting signal-to-noise.


My mailpiece is signal
Other mail pieces are noise
My competitors mailpieces are white noize of the make-your-ears-bleed variety and should be outlawed

And don’t assume that products that are marketed via direct mail are bad. That’s a big leap there. Some are bad, some are good, and most fall in the middle. I’ve never once marketed anything with those dang return address guilt stickers. I leave that to the charities.

Oh, I’d forgotten these twits. We have bike paths all over campus and they * still* want to zip between the pedestrians on the sidewalks, endanger life and limb! I hate those guys. They don’t even warn you they’re behind you, just zip in between you and then get pissed off when you don’t get out their way-which I don’t. Use the goddamned bike paths, twiddlefucks!

I it my wish that under the new regime all pedestrain students be armed with broomhandles which can be used to bring the dumbass cyclists to a screeching halt when they don’t use the bike paths. Then we can beat them with their own handlebars.