“Hello, this is the Office of Wrong Numbers. It seems you have dialed the wrong number. If you have dialed the wrong number, please press 1 now. If you have not, please stay on the line”
I forget where I heard this but it crackes me up everytime I hear it 
“Hello, this is the Office of Wrong Numbers. It seems you have dialed the wrong number. If you have dialed the wrong number, please press 1 now. If you have not, please stay on the line”
I forget where I heard this but it crackes me up everytime I hear it
Once when I picked up the phone I simply answered “Orange County.” (Note that my location is not in California.)
It was my boss from work, calling to ask if I could come in early. Instead, he fumbled to a halt and apologized for calling the wrong number.
He called back a few minutes later, and seemed puzzled. 
“Hi, this is Chimera. Sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, but I’m out saving Evil from the forces of the Universe…”
My mom told me that when she was a teenager, her father would answer the phone “Maud’s Mule Barn! Head ass speakin’!” It would embarrass her to no end, because inevitably it would be a friend of hers calling.
I am sorry. The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please multiply by i and dial again.
Working third shifts at Waffle House, sometimes you need a little pick-me-up in the boredom. Apparantly, so do our lovely friends out there in phone land. There are people who are fond of prank calling the Waffle House at 3am, and when we didn’t just take the phone off the hook completely, we would answer a different way every time.
“Mike’s Meat Shop, we beat it, you eat it!”
(in a super sexy voice)
“Hi there, cowboy. Looks like you’re about to take the ride of your life! All we hot, horny Holsteins need is your Visa, Mastercard…”
“Waffle House! Is this the heavy breather?”
This backfired on us one night when we’d received a lot of pranks, taken the phone off the hook, and it rang as soon as we hooked it up again.
(redneck voice)
“Wait a minnut! Is this tha thang you tawk intuh? HELLO??? (pushing buttons) Durnflabbit, tharnt nobody on tha line. HELLO???”
It was the district manager.
Off topic a slight bit, but my answering machine message used to be a busy signal.
Ring-ring Ring-ring (clicky) EEEGH-EEEGH-EEEGH-EEEGH (clicky) BEEEEEEEP
I also had my girlfriend put this on the machine once.
“We’re sorry but you’ve dialed the right number. If you feel you’ve reached this number in error, please hang up and try again”
Once upon a time on my answering machine:
"I know what you’re thinking: did it ring three times, or only two? But bein’ this is a Message Minder 2000, the most powerful answering machine made, and it can blow your head clean off, you have to ask yourself one question: do I feel like leaving a message?
“Well, do ya, punk?”
I have also pretended to be dial-a-joke.
When I dial the kids and my 6 year old granddaughter answers I like to use this one. She still thinks it’s funny. Gotta love a kid like that.
I have occasionally answered; “Main gate, Saint Peter speaking.” but my favorite is; “Forward torpedo room.”.
People immediatly recogonize the first as a joke, but the latter seems to just confuse almost everybody.
In a Russian accent : “Lubyanka, da ?”
or sometimes I like to make them win prizes, such as : “Congratulationsyoujustwona onewaytriptoOkinawacourtesyofKamikazeairlines” (No, that’s not a mistake, it is just the way to say it real fast son they don’t have the time to reflect on what they won).
A former Jewish boss of mine used to answer the phone : “Adolph Hitler Jewish Memorial Hospital”
Context: Sitting in the room that was the social nexus at my college dorm. The girls whose room it was had a firm rule: anyone could answer their phone, as long as they didn’t say anything boring like, “Hello.”
I think I heard about half of the suggestions in this thread at one time or another, but I delivered one of my favorites there. Immediately on picking up the phone, in a gruff (and obviously male) voice:
“Admit it, you have no idea who I am.”
Long pause …
“Um … is Tracey there?”
OK, I guess you had to be there …
I stole this shamelessly from Calvin and Hobbes, but it cracks me up everytime I use it.
When you answer the phone instead of saying ‘hello’ say: “Yes I’d like to order a large combo pizza”
The will be a confused pause at this point. Followed by “Uh this isn’t a pizza place”.
Then you say “Oh I’m sorry you must have dialed the wrong number.”
It’s even funnier when you realize how long it takes for some people to call back.
One a friend of mine always used, and I want to, but I never have the cajones to.
“Wet Jimmy’s Gourmet Assmeats. Be this pickup or delivery?”
Stolen from Jhonen Vasquez.
Very good, very good jokes all. However, I am going to have to declare a winner:
The thought of someone sitting by their telephone trying to figure out how to multiply the number by i is just the funniest thing I’ve heard in weeks!!
i usually just answer the phone by saying “Bacon” in a cheery way, the same way you mi8ght say “Hello!”
I find it throws people off.
My favorite has to be “Jesus Hotline, how may I may save you?”
muhaha, that is sweet.
This thread inspired me to change my answering machine message to:
“Hi, you have reached Bookbuster, leave your credit card number after the beep.”
Oh, if we include answering machines, then I had some weird ones. Still do, in fact.
Previous answering machine message: “Hello. This is Fish and Fish’s Roommate. We are not home. Please leave a message. We will call you back.” (Then the same message in German.)
Current answering machine: “Hello. This is Fish and Fish’s Roommate. We are not home. Please leave a message. We will call you back.” (Then the same message in Spanish, except instead of “we will call you back” I say “this is a test” to see if anybody recognizes the Spanish.)
Next answering machine: “Hello. This is Fish and Fish’s Roommate. We are not home. Please leave a message. We will call you back.” (Then some nonsense in French: “The chicken is staring at me. I think I am made of soap. Without bats, the mayonnaise does not prosper.” Unfortunately, I’ll need to find a way to translate this.)
Also done previously: “Hello. This is Fish. I am not in. Please leave a message at the sound of the beep. And now, the same message in Mok, for the benefit of my friends who speak Mok. Gnaar rawwr ghargghh raahhg gnyar mmnngaaahhr graaaa.” (At that point I begin making noises like Ookla the Mok from “Thundarr the Barbarian.”)
And the most annoying one:
(sound of phone ringing)
Ernie: “Let’s count how many time the phone rings, Cookie Monster.”
Cookie: “Okay, Ernie, okay.”
(sound of phone ringing)
Ernie: “That’s two.”
Cookie: “Two is good.”
(sound of phone ringing)
Ernie: “That’s three rings, Cookie Monster!”
Cookie: “It boggles the mind.”
(sound of phone ringing and message machine picking up with dull message)
Ernie: “And four rings! Isn’t that amazing, Cookie Monster?”
Cookie: “You so smart, Ernie.”
I did the voices myself. That was a blast.
I don’t usually answer the phones weird, but when I had a cell I loved to make up odd things.
My fave was: You’ve reached Flutterby’s advice line. Today’s advice is [insert odd piece of advice]
I used such gems as don’t eat yellow snow, do not anger dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup… etc. This would change weekly.
After the dragon one my friends suggested one of them make the recording and say “This is Flutterby’s phone, she isn’t available right now as she never took her own advice and was eaten by a dragon. She’ll get back to you when she is reincarnated.”
Ah such fun…