Ok, so a few of you know that I recently got dumped (as cataloged here.) Now I still miss that girl terribly but I’ve realized that we are never going to be together and in the long run I probably wouldn’t have been happy with her. Even as my heart is SCREAMING that this is wrong, my mind is telling me that it is right.
Now here’s the problem: I really feel like 2 years of my life have been stolen from me.
I’m 21 (soon to be 22) and a lot of people would say that 21 is extremely young, I have my whole life ahead of me…etc, but I feel old. I know it sounds ridiculous but I feel really, really old. This is the thing; all the men in my family met their wives when they were teenagers. My parents, both sets of grandparents, all of my uncles…etc have all been with their spouses since they were 15 or 16. I even have one uncle who has been with his wife since they were 9! All of them have these great stories to tell of things they did together when they were teenagers. Learning to drive together, getting in trouble…etc. Just stupid teenage antics.
Now I never thought about this when I was growing up. In fact, I’m not sure if I ever even really thought of it until I got dumped. I was 19 when I started going out with my girlfriend and I’ve been assuming for the last 2 years that I was going to marry her one day (assumptions based on her words, mostly. She used to talk about what we were going to name our kids…etc.)
Now that I got dumped I’m just freaking out. I feel old, I’ve done basically NOTHING with my life since high school, and I feel horribly alone. Since my whole future was thought of in terms of “me and my girlfriend are going to…”, I now have absolutely no direction. When I was with her I was going to go to computer school and get a regular 9 to 5 and that would be that. I was completely willing to do that in that situation but now I’m not so sure that that’s what I want. I have no idea what I want to do and I feel like I’m getting too old to not know what I want to do. I have the direction and plans of someone who hasn’t graduated high school yet. I.e. non-existant.
My major problem lies in my relationship status. I don’t want to be alone but I’m fully aware that it’s probably not a good idea to be out actively seeking a long term girlfriend. It wouldn’t be healthy for me to latch onto the first girl I meet and try to mold her into my last girlfriend ala the guy from Vertigo.
But NOW, through all this mess, another problem seems to have surfaced. Somewhere along the lines I took a wrong turn and I think my standards regarding the opposite sex might have gotten to high. I’m horribly afraid that the girl I’m looking for isn’t out there.
Let me share with you this list I typed out a few nights ago and you’ll see what I’m talking about:
What I want in a girl:
#1 - I WANT A GIRL WHO IS ALWAYS HAPPY.
I want this girl to be so happy all the time that it disgusts me. I want to look at her and think “what the fuck are you so goddamned happy about?” but simultaneously be so overcome with her happiness that I too am smiling.
#2 - I WANT A GIRL WHO IS MY AGE.
Anything within 2 years is fine. More than 2 years younger and we probably wouldn’t be able to relate to each other, and more than 2 years older and I might feel like she is “too experienced” for me.
#3 - I WANT A GIRL WHO IS ATTRACTED BY MY GEEKINESS AND FINDS IT SEXY, BUT IS NOT A TOTAL GEEK HERSELF.
I can’t really explain this one. I’m a geek but I don’t usually like other geeks. I want her to be a mild geek I guess. Geek Lite. She can be totally corny and a complete dork but I don’t want her reciting lines from Star Wars and reading Slashdot, that’s my territory. Besides, the constant presence of another geek would encourage even geekier behavior from me, and I need an anchor in reality. (She HAS to like Lord of the Rings though, if not the book then at least the movies.)
#4 - I WANT A GIRL WHO HAS A GOOFY AND CORNY SENSE OF HUMOR.
With every person I truly consider a friend, every joke eventually becomes an inside joke. I want my girl to be no different. I want to look at her, make up a COMPLETELY ridiculous nickname and call her that on the spot and have her laugh. In turn I want her to do the same for me. I want to sing songs in ridiculous voices, or simply make up my own lyrics, and have her think it’s cool. I want her to do the same and I will of course think it’s cool.
#5 - I WANT A GIRL WHO LOVES WATCHING MOVIES.
I didn’t even realize it until I started getting older but some people actually don’t care too much for movies. What a shock! TV sucks, so my girl has to love curling up on the couch and watching a movie every once in a while (OK, a few times a week, at least until we see all the essentials together.)
#6 - I WANT A GIRL WHO ISN'T A VIRGIN.
Not that I’m drowning in a sea of virgins or anything. And this may sound like a pretty strange requirement, so let me try to explain. First I want to say that I don’t want a slut or anything. My perfect girl has been with maybe 2 guys, both boyfriends (i.e. not one night stands) and NO MORE than 5 guys. The reason I don’t want a virgin is partly because I’m no angel myself and I don’t want to feel guilty, and partly because I’m just an insecure weirdo. I’m afraid that no girl out there would commit to JUST ME for the rest of her life and she would eventually get curious and run around on me. With a girl who had been with a few other guys sex would be special because it was with ME, not just because it was sex.
#7 - I WANT A GIRL WHO IS STUNNINGLY GORGEOUS, BUT IN AN UNCONVENTIONAL WAY.
My friends all tell me I have horrible taste in women, but I don’t think I do. I just don’t see anything special about the convential “hot girl.” The blonde hair, big boobs, lots of makeup…etc. Not that I find anything particularly bad about any one of those traits, but…I guess I don’t really know how to explain what I’m saying here, I’ll try to give you an example: I think the girls from Baywatch are pretty, but there is nothing particularly special about them. Not really the type of girls I would find myself super attracted to. I don’t put too much stock into looks though. I just like a girl to have a decent figure, a nice smile, and most of all look CLEAN. I can’t really explain the exact difference between a girl who looks “clean” and one who doesn’t, but I know it when I see it.
#8 - I WANT A GIRL WHO IS HONEST, OPEN WITH HER FEELINGS, LOYAL, AND 100% FAITHFUL.
Not too much to elaborate on here. Honestly, loyalty and faithfulness mean a lot to me. I’ve never cheated on a girl and I never will. I’ve been cheated on multiple times though and it SUCKS. I’m still not convinced that there’s a girl out there who WON’T cheat no matter what.
#9 - I WANT A GIRL THAT IS NOT QUITE AS KNOWLEDGEABLE AS ME.
I won’t use the word “smart” because I think it is a subjective term and saying you want someone “less knowledgeable” than you sounds a hell of a lot less cocky than saying you want someone that’s not a smart as you. Maybe it’s that insecurity again, or maybe I was wrong all these years and I do have a little bit of an ego, I don’t know. I want a girl that is awestruck at my godlike knowledge of all things mundane and pointless. I want a girl that bows before me when I get the Final Jeopardy question right even though all three contestants got it wrong. Ok, I’m exaggerating here. She doesn’t really have to bow :). I want to be her mental Knight in Shining Armour.
#10 - I WANT A GIRL WHO HAS DECENT TASTE IN MUSIC.
Nelly, Boy Bands, Britney, Christina, Linkin Park, Nu Metal, “New Rock”, “New Country” (and old country for that matter), and Techno music. What the hell is going on these days? I don’t have to have a girl who likes exactly what I like, because I mostly only listen to music when I’m alone (horrible horrible tragic one track mind - I can’t hear a song and talk to someone at the same time), but have a little self respect!
#11 - I WANT A GIRL WHO APPRECIATES BEING TREATED GOOD.
No game playing. None of this “oh he’s so nice he must be a complete sucker.” None of this having to act like a dick or play reverse psychology games. I just want a straight forward girl.
#12 - I WANT A GIRL TO BE A FRIEND FIRST.
No kissing on the first date. In fact, I really don’t want to kiss on the second date either, and probably not the third. If you’re gonna jump in the sack with me after I take you to dinner what would make me think that you wouldn’t jump in the sack with any other guy that bought you dinner - past, present, or future? I’m not 15 anymore, I can wait.
#13 - I WANT A GIRL THAT DOESN'T DO DRUGS, BUT DOESN'T HATE THEM EITHER.
I don’t have a problem with pot or mushrooms or a few other “lesser” drugs, but I don’t want to spend my time with a girl who does these. I don’t want her to be totally uptight about it though. Maybe she smoked a little pot in High School (I did) and maybe she’ll take a hit once a year or so, but for the most part she doesn’t like it.
#14 - I WANT A GIRL WHO HATES GOING TO CLUBS.
Clubs are SO popular these days it’s hard to find someone that doesn’t like them. In my mind, it’s not fun to hang out somewhere where you’re standing shoulder-to-shoulder with drunk strangers in the dark, trying to dance, and the music is so loud you can’t even hear someone screeming in your ear. To each his own but it’s just not fun to me.
#13 - I WANT A GIRL TO UNDERSTAND ME.
Out of all the above listed qualities, this one is probably the most important, and ironically, it’s also probably the rarest and definitely the one I’ve encountered the least. I just want a girl to completely understand me and know why I do the things I do. I want her to anticipate how I’m going to react to situations and think accordingly. I want her to tell me things about me that I didn’t know she knew. I know this isn’t something that comes at the start of the relationship, but it also doesn’t take a genius to start figuring these things out after a few months or at minimum a year.
Now here’s where I need your help. Please convince me that either:
#1 - I am insane. These standards are absolutely ridiculously high and I need to get over my hangups. NOW.
#2 - I am still insane. But not for having standards too high, I’m insane for thinking there isn’t plenty of girls out there like this. I just have to relax and eventually I’ll meet one!
Also, is it normal to have these kinds of feelings after being dumped?
Thanks for listening to my unorganized and nonsensical ramblings, and double thanks for any advice you might have. I promise that this is only temporary loneliness, confusion, and depression speaking and once I get my head out of my ass I will be a worthwhile contributor to the boards!