Please Help Me Annoy My Daughter

[Shodan]

@auntnut

I thought so too…
One day I was shopping with my son (15) and daughter(17). Tthey were pestering each other (par usual) I had had it and told them to knock it off… wise daughter did so…silly son did not.
When we were at the register (with a cute young female cashier ringing us up) son made one last smartass comment.
I said in a loud voice: "Son, do I have to put you down for a nap home,
after I breast feed you AGAIN???
He turned beet red and his mouth fell open …the cashier started giggling…and my son settled right down
Since that day, now all I have to do is raise my eyebrow…and cup my breast.

Good suggestion, but it may be sub-optimal in my case. I’m a guy, and my children are adopted. Maybe I will give it a shot anyway for the sheer confusion value.

Regards,
Shodan

PS - My evil plan is working. Saturday night when we sat down to dinner, my wife was making herself comfortable and was the last to the table. We were already seated, and finally she made her appearance.

“Oh, you all waited for me. Thank you.” she said. I responded, “Yes, dear - hos before bros.” My son cracked up and I think my daughter triggered climate change with her sigh.

Bwahahahaha…

[Shirley_Ujest]

Or you can do what I did to my almost 15 year old. We ran into WalMart to grab something quick and she, of course, couldn’t possibly stay with me, her old, uncool mother (especially since she was with her boyfriend and she knew I wasn’t going to buy her anything). I told her to be right back as this was a quick trip and we had things to do. Of course she wasn’t right back when I was ready to leave so I went over to the service desk and did the best thing I could, being a concerned mom and all…“ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS, WOULD (DIMINUTIVE NICKNAME SHE HATES) PLEASE COME TO THE SERVICE DESK, YOUR MOMMY IS WAITING” and they even repeated it just to be sure she heard. Then we waited…and I was fully rewarded with her walking right by me with her sweatshirt hood pulled all the way over her head. It’s really hard to effectively roll one’s eyes when they’re covered, you know. And the best of the best, as we’re riding home, boyfriend’s cell phone rang and it was his dad. “Were you guys just in WalMart?”

I’m still high on those fumes

I bow to your awesomeness.

I have planned since before my children were born, if they should ever get in trouble at school, to dress in my most hideous nightgown, ratty bathrobe, a viking hat upon my head and some other silliness Maybe a Tuba or Accordion and head off to the school and go into every class room asking, " Is this X Ujest’s room? I am his/her mother…"
And this, I learned from a friend of mine who got into trouble for throwing a smoke bomb in class Try that now! and her mom worked right across the street from school. It took over two hours for Mom to show up to have a meeting with the Principal.

Mom walked in in her ratty night gown and robe, night cream over her face, hair in rollers and other assorted embarrassing goodness. My friend said she died that day and that the principal spent alot of time clearing his throat during that meeting.

[Nars_Glinley]

Watch a few episodes of Pimp My Ride and just repeat everything that X says. Church.

Dave Barry recommended “spank”. As in, “These new reading glasses are spank.”

[Zjestika]

Gazziza, Dilznoofus! It’s crezappy!

Actually I’m kind of alarmed by this thread. I’m ten years out of my teens but I still thought that when my parents were embarrassing in public and I let them know by rolling my eyes or sighing audibly that they put on a brave face and waited until later when they could be ashamed of their lameness in private. To learn that this whole time it was on purpose and they thought it was funny… my world is shaken.

Now I need to have kids.

[Klytus]

@Zjestika

Gazziza, Dilznoofus! It’s crezappy!

Actually I’m kind of alarmed by this thread. I’m ten years out of my teens but I still thought that when my parents were embarrassing in public and I let them know by rolling my eyes or sighing audibly that they put on a brave face and waited until later when they could be ashamed of their lameness in private. To learn that this whole time it was on purpose and they thought it was funny… my world is shaken.

Now I need to have kids.

If it happens once or twice, its an accident. Three or more times, oh yeah, its intentional.

[pretend_my_name_is_witty]

Misusing Slang.

Excellent thread.

[OpalCat]

*I’m not ready to die! I still have so much to do. I want to be young and wild; then I want to be middle aged and fat; then I want to be old and annoy people by pretending I’m deaf. * ~Black Adder

[pbbth]

Ooooh, give yourself and your wife gansta nicknames! You can be G-Money and she can be Shorty (or 2Tall, depending on her height.)

[Capt.Ridley_s_Shooting_Party]

@ianzin

Great thread.

It all depends just how far you want to go. There have been some deadly suggestions thus far, but if you really want to go nuclear, then you can use the most time-honoured ruse of all. Use this with caution, as there really is NO going back after deploying this, the most awesome and feared of embarassment weapons. Next time you are with her in public, preferably with some of her friends present, pretend to notice something near her mouth that you feel is worth cleaning off her face, take out a tissue, lightly spit on it, and wipe away the imaginary problem.

You have been warned.

Too far, Dude…too far!

[InappropriateHumor]

@Pithy Moniker

Tell your daughter don’t be hatin’ on you. It’s all good. We down? We straight? A’ight then.

I rehearsed this one until I had it memorized, then lurked around the house until my 15 year old daughter had a friend over last night. Little sister, 8, started her usual routine of irritating the 15 y.o. girls, 15 y.o. reacted predictably with snark, then BAM!

I delivered this little gem flawlessly, if I do say so myself. The reaction was beyond my wildest expectations! Roll-eyes 'til I saw only the whites (I got all 3 girls!), lots of moody sighs and an actual groan.

You’re golden, Pithy Moniker!

I’ll now be practicing many of the tips found here as follow-up.

Thanks for starting this thread Shodan. Much love.

[Aithele]

I saw something on my campus a couple of semester ago that had me giggling for days. I’m sure it will work for you.

Buy a pair of black sweat pants at least two sizes too big so they hang down, a black hoodie, and a pair of red silk boxers. Make sure the sweat pants show at least 4" of red silk. Wear it next time you take your daughter to the mall.

[descamisado]

@Aithele

I saw something on my campus a couple of semester ago that had me giggling for days. I’m sure it will work for you.

Buy a pair of black sweat pants at least two sizes too big so they hang down, a black hoodie, and a pair of red silk boxers. Make sure the sweat pants show at least 4" of red silk. Wear it next time you take your daughter to the mall.

And don’t forget the fitted.

[Clothahump]

@Salem

Or you can do what I did to my almost 15 year old. We ran into WalMart to grab something quick and she, of course, couldn’t possibly stay with me, her old, uncool mother (especially since she was with her boyfriend and she knew I wasn’t going to buy her anything). I told her to be right back as this was a quick trip and we had things to do. Of course she wasn’t right back when I was ready to leave so I went over to the service desk and did the best thing I could, being a concerned mom and all…“ATTENTION WALMART SHOPPERS, WOULD (DIMINUTIVE NICKNAME SHE HATES) PLEASE COME TO THE SERVICE DESK, YOUR MOMMY IS WAITING” and they even repeated it just to be sure she heard. Then we waited…and I was fully rewarded with her walking right by me with her sweatshirt hood pulled all the way over her head. It’s really hard to effectively roll one’s eyes when they’re covered, you know. And the best of the best, as we’re riding home, boyfriend’s cell phone rang and it was his dad. “Were you guys just in WalMart?”

I’m still high on those fumes

DINGDINGDINGDING!

We have a winnah here, folks. Bigtime.

[WhyNot]

@Zjestika

To learn that this whole time it was on purpose and they thought it was funny… my world is shaken.

Yep. We really *do *wait until you’re in bed before breaking out the ice cream and the good movies, too.

[MissTake]

TheKid read this thread tonight.
She now lives in a world of fear. At first she tried bravado: “Mom, you won’t GO to WalMart, so you’ll never do that MOMMY thing”. I replied that Target has a loudspeaker. The local grocery store has a loudspeaker. Her peev-ish nickname is the song of a chickadee (long story), so if it comes to that I could simply record the birdsong to my phone and play it in public.

Then she tried to take a stand: “If you do that I’ll NEVER talk to you AGAIN!*”
I replied: “The downside to not speaking with a hormonal teenager is…?”

I’m sure she slammed her door after that, but I was laughing too hard at the expressions that flit across her face to hear it.

Shodan - she does request that your daughter attend whatever next Twin Cities Dopefest so they can commiserate about how evil we are. Maybe I’ll wear my baggy camos, Happy Bunny T-Shirt and do-rag.

[Rascal_s_Mom]

@Aithele

I saw something on my campus a couple of semester ago that had me giggling for days. I’m sure it will work for you.

Buy a pair of black sweat pants at least two sizes too big so they hang down, a black hoodie, and a pair of red silk boxers. Make sure the sweat pants show at least 4" of red silk. Wear it next time you take your daughter to the mall.

OR, buy a pair of red sweat pants at least two sizes too SMALL. It seems like red sweats always run small on guys. Don’t know what it is… Extra points if you have a belly, white socks and black velcro tennis shoes. Maybe a too-small wife beater.

[Rocketeer]

@gwendee

I have no idea what band your daughter might listen to, or really any new bands, but when you talk about them add a “the” to their name that shouldn’t be there. For instance if she’s listening to music that you can ask “Hey is that The Coldplay? They are da bomb!”

A reference to “The Dead President Kennedys (of America)” will always get Littlest R’s eyes rolling.

[gravitycrash]

Just this past weekend for my daughters graduation dinner, I exclaimed when she got out of her car. Hi dudette! LOL. She really hates when I use internet speak and especially peeved when I use out dated internet speak in front of family and friends.

Hey, whats the point of having kids if can’t have fun with them?

[DZedNConfused]

Don’t tell her my 13 year old son INSISTS on those shoes because he hate tying laces. I’m afraid her world view would collapse then.

[Marlitharn]

My son used to be mortified when I’d shamble around moaning and eating his friends’s brains.