I know these have been done before, and the recent threadkiller thread (that I tried to start, but claim no responsibility beyond the OP) did work for a couple of days. But post your links to laughs or your favorite jokes. I’ve lost my sense of humor and need to get it back fast. I do, have to go to work with a good attitude tomorrow.
SSG Schwartz
Two muffins were in the oven. One muffin turned to another and said “sure is hot in here eh?” The other muffin replies, “Holy shit a talking muffin!”
Ok it works better after a few beers 
Next round. Two cows are in a field. Two of their legs are longer than the others. What do you call them? Answer: Lean beef Two cows are in a field. They have no legs. What do you call them? Ground beef! Two cows are in a field. They are invisible. What do you call them? Where’s the beef?!
runs from the vegetable rain
Auto, how the hell did you know I had had a few beers? The first one worked!
SSG Schwartz
Scientists have determined that women have four types of orgasms.
Positive-Oh, yes, oh, yes!
Negative-Oh, no, oh, no!
Religious-Oh, God, Oh, God!
And fake-Oh, Sarge, oh Sarge
Why are pirates pirates?
They just arrrrr!
What happened to the mouse that fell off the shelf and into a glass of Mountain Dew?
Nothing, it was a soft drink.
I’m not sure if this joke would be acceptable in this forum, though it’s not that bad, so I’ll spoiler it just in case.
[spoiler]A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow air out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female “lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.”
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. “Look”, she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”[/spoiler]
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech. “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Are we doing cheesy? I can do cheesy.
The Pope, the Dalai Lama, and a rabbi walk into a bar. You’d think one of them would have ducked.
A duck walks into a bar. “Got any grapes?” he asks the bartender.
Now, the bartender is rather inexplicably not phased by the duck talking, but simply regretfully informs the waterfowl that no, he doesn’t have any grapes. The duck thanks him, and walks out.
The next day, the same duck walks back into the same bar. “Got any grapes?” he asks.
The bartender again says nope, sorry, but they don’t have any grapes. “This is a bar,” he explains. “Try the grocery store.” The duck leaves.
It happens again the next day: Enter duck. “Got any grapes?” “Dammit, duck, this is a bar and I have no grapes,” “Okay,” exit duck.
And again the day after that. “Got any grapes?” asks the duck.
“I don’t have any damn grapes!” the bartender snaps, tired of this feathered harassment. “You’re a duck! You shouldn’t even be in a bar! If you ever come in here again and ask me for grapes, I’ll - I’ll nail your bill to the bar!”
The duck flees. But the next day, the duck returns! He waddles up to the bar, seemingly unaware that the tender is glaring daggers. The duck hops up on a stool.
“What did I tell you yesterday?” demands the bartender.
“Got any nails?” asks the duck.
“…no.”
“Got any grapes?”
And now for a dirty, dirty joke:There once was a beautiful white stallion, as white as pure snow from head to tail. Then he fell into a mud puddle and got all dirty.
Damn, as I always suspected. :smack:
SSG Schwartz
two cows in a field:
Cow1: What do you think about that mad cow disease?
Cow2: What do I care? I’m a helicopter.
Sarge, I have no idea how old you are, but I watched this tonight and laughed so hard my wife had to bring me my inhaler.
Jack Benny and Mel Blanc - the classic routine with a new twist.
Enjoy.
Now Rotchester…
Good for a laugh. Not quite old enough to really remember Jack Benny. Thanks.
SSG Schwartz
OK, try this one. Tim Conway’s Elephant story.
Two cows are in a field:
One is a newly born calf. What do you call the mother?
decalfinated
Stupid, I know. But hey! Cows!
And my brother’s favorite joke when he was about six:
Why did the elephant paint his trunk brown?
So he could hide in the rotten Christmas trees.
What’s brown and green and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?A pool table!
What’s brown and sticky and won’t kill you if it falls out of a tree?A stick!
A sandwich walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer!”
The bartender says, “I’m sorry we don’t serve food here.”
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. Barman says, “What is this, some kind of joke?!”
And, if that wasn’t enough:
A neutron walks into a bar. Asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” Barman replies, “For you? No charge!”
I never get tired of either of those.
Then there’s the lolcat solution.
Forget the jokes. You need to take a look at the SDMB server.
A guy was driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he saw a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: “Talking Dog for Sale”
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagle sitting there. “You talk?” he asks.
“Yep,” the Beagle replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”
The Beagle looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services…the United States Marines. You know one of their nicknames is “The Devil Dogs.”
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger. So, I decided to settle down.
I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
“Ten dollars,” the guy says.
“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”
“Because he’s such a bullshitter … He never did any of that shit. He was in the Navy!”