Yeah, as I said earlier, I have heard of the rule. And as I said earlier, only two of the eight people I asked had heard of it.
What I don’t understand is why anyone immediately jumps to the conclusion that anyone who violates this tiny, tiny point of etiquette – literally one of hundreds of wedding customs that were written down and at some point thought to be “proper” – why anyone would automatically ASSUME that saying a world which in any other context is considered a compliment would be “insulting the participants” (Post #68) or “passive-aggressively insulting the bride” (Post #82).
I know there are some people who lay in wait to pounce on someone who uses the salad fork for the entree, or who places the butter knife horisontally on the plate rather than diagonally, but do they assume those breaches of etiquette are also deliberate insults?
Certainly such an assumption tells a lot about the person making the assumption, but for it to be accurate, the passive-aggressive insulter would have the be the world’s most incompetent passive-aggressive insulter.
Here they are, trying to be passive-aggressive by relying on an outdated sexist rule of etiquette that a lot of people don’t know about, and even more people don’t follow. They’re saying “congratulations”–just like the majority of other people, people who aren’t being passive-aggressive.
It’s as if I sing “Happy birthday” at a birthday party, because secretly I think by doing so I’m telling the other person that they’re getting old and will die soon. Cool, I guess, except that the object of my mad-genius passive aggressive insult will never know that.
Passive aggressive fail!
On the other hand, it’s perfectly possible that some folk manage to communicate, “…you golddigging whore” as an implied follow-up to their “congratulations.” In that case, they could communicate that after any phrase using the exact same fake smile and body language. “Best wishes, you gold-digging whore” would be equally simple to communicate, and banning “congratulations” wouldn’t slow their roll the slightest.
Now that this has jogged my memory, I can vaguely remember some “rule” like that in some horribly out of date manners guide. In practice, it no longer exists.
Oh, but this discussion’s like a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel, never ending or beginning on an ever-spinning reel. That’s kind of like a windmill.
Just for fun, I asked my mom, who happens to be in town this week, and she’s only heard it once, from an asshole, but the asshole was equally convinced you never congratulate the groom, so I don’t know what to make of that.
I have been in discussions where this question has come up hundreds if not thousands of times in my life. I would say that rather normal for anything as everyday as people getting married. And for many people, it’s not a “silly gaffe”. It’s a great way to destroy a potential happy marriage, ruin someone’s life or destroy a friendship. For some people, marriage isn’t touchy-feely emotions, it’s a serious business arrangement and the decision of a lifetime. The little details matter a lot.
A very broad one. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances from many different cultures, most of which practice some form of marriage. It’s only natural to talk about it from time to time.
I have to congratulate/offer best wishes to** ZPG Zealot** for staying with this, in spite of post after post disagreeing with her.
Still, I have to ask, how can the intentional or unintentional rudeness of a guest offering congratulations to the bride “destroy a potential happy marriage”?
I mean, I went to one wedding where members of the bride’s family were literally asking members of the groom’s family if they had accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior. That seems like the height of rude behavior at a wedding, but that couple has managed to remain married for 40 years!
See, this is what I think might be a problem with arranged marriages in some cultures: They’re basically business arrangements, but divorce is difficult. That’s like applying for a job, or hiring someone for a job, without being able to quit, or fire someone. It means that there is a lot of risk involved when making such a decision. No wonder people get their panties in a twist about all sorts of details. And it’s probably not super great for the economy.
I’ve been reading a lot about ancient Rome recently, where arranged marriages were common, or the norm, at least among the aristocracy. They were often arranged as part of political alliances. However, divorce was common, and not at all taboo (although, obviously, the woman usually didn’t get much a say in the matter). If the political alliance went south, the wife could be got rid of and returned to her family, who could then marry her off again.
So, I say: If you’re going to have arranged marriages, make divorce at least somewhat easy. Then there is less risk involved.
Bullshit. It is not that way for anyone else–or at least for anyone else who has ever posted on the Internet. You are literally the only human being who has ever made a post on the Internet that has this ridiculous and garbage view.
It so funny that I’ve known hundreds of married people and dozens who have gotten divorced, and I was even working at a self-help center in a Los Angeles courthouse helping people file for divorce, and not one, NOT ONE, has admitted the true reason for the dissolution of their marriages.
Frankly, I’m a little shocked California didn’t put that as a check box on a divorce form.
"Petitioner requests that the court make the following orders:
5. LEGAL GROUNDS
Divorce or Legal separation of the marriage or domestic partnership based on
(check one):
irreconcilable differences
permanent legal incapacity to make decisions
someone said “congratulations” to the bride before, during, or after the wedding"
I’m trying to imagine just what would happen if I told the bride “congratulations” for getting married in one of ZPG’s circle of thousands of friends and family.
Would the wedding party just balk at me in horror?
Would the bride faint at such a monstrous, damning and damaging thing to say?
Would the groom slap me across my cheek with his silken glove?
Married 19 years now. Very happily. Yes details matter, It shows how much you care for each other. The big picture is based on this and built from it.
An inappropriate (according to you and the thousands of people that you have surveyed :rolleyes: ) greeting is meaningless to a strong union. Absolutely meaningless.
And, while I agree that it’s a decision of a lifetime. It is not a business decision.
This is the first time that I have ever heard of this. But you have had discussions about this hundreds or thousands of times in your life? And, you dismissed some friends from your wedding because you received a ‘congratulations’. Might want to think about that a bit.
Yup. A marriage that could be destroyed by any single word said at the wedding (short of calling out the name of the groom’s latest murder victim, whose corpse is stuffed into the box that you’re opening with a dramatic flourish) is not a “potentially happy marriage.” It’s a garbage marriage of two garbage people who shouldn’t sign the credit card receipt at a Denny’s, much less a marriage license.
It’s remotely possible that ZPG Zealot has managed to build herself a community of these terrible, garbage people. But that requires people who are so terrible that they’d let their marriage be sundered by congratulating the bride, and also not nearly self-absorbed enough about it to whine on every bridezilla forum in existence.
I don’t think this particular melding of human failure is plausible.