Political Jokes

Enough serious talk for a while. Toss out your favorite jokes about the candidates.

How does Donald Trump screw in a light bulb?

He just holds the bulb in the socket and the world revolves around him.

Not about any candidate specifically, but here’s a short verse-cycle I call “Comparative Political Ideologies 101”:

A Republican man-about-town
Could make a smile vertical frown
For, at finish, the heel
Always made the girl kneel
And let all the wealth trickle down!

A Democrat is well-suited to diddle
In the sense that he’s straight-up-the-middle
But, 'tween left and right hand
He can ne’er . . . take a stand
At the end, can just sit there and twiddle!

The proud stalwarts of the Tea Party
Have lusts that are hearty but naughty
Such as offering their sacks
As mid-morning snacks
To all and to sundry! How haughty!

Socialists like to share their virility
But it brings social costs in fertility,
For, “To each by her need!”
Is their true solemn creed,
But the sharing wears out the ability!

When Communists’ love interest sparks
They fulfill dialectic of Marx
From raging “class struggle”
To lazy ass-snuggle
In beds, kitchens, cars, shops and parks!

A Minuteman was a staunch fearless warder
'Gainst the Brown Peril south of the border
'Til a boom-chicka chica
From south Costa Rica
Sucked him into a whole New World Order!

Although Fascists might seethe, rant, and hate
You can still, if you’ll dangle the bait
Have 'em your way and then some
If but once you convince 'em
It is all for the good of the State!

When an Anarchist’s out of her clothes
Make no mention of rules to impose
As to what’s hot or not
Or, what tab fits what slot
She will make it all up as she goes!

A Thecon’s holy and pious
But it seems that his judgment is biased
By his mind filled with floods
Of the cries of hung studs:
“Come into the closet and try us!”

An Objectivist Atlas will shrug
When the ladies won’t go past a hug
Self-reliant as Rand
Is his own nimble hand
On his Fountainhead ready to tug!

The bold ladies who camp with the OWSers
Are no puritanical wowsers
One can’t walk up Wall Street
Without hearing them tweet,
“Why, what’s that occupying your trousers?!”

A lascivious thing is a Green
Every tree, every shrub, every bean
Every beast classed “Endangered”
And life-forms far stranger
Must endure his attentions obscene!

Libertarians swing and they play
You can use them most any which way
Straight, gay, trans, or bi
Or whatever you’ll try
All while shouting, “For Freedom! Hooray!”

From The Onion’s Biggest Campaign Gaffes So Far:[ul]Mar. 2003: In a major goof that will haunt Jeb Bush all along the campaign trail, his brother unilaterally invades Iraq, destabilizing the region indefinitely and vastly increasing the threat of global terror[/ul][ul]Aug. 2015: A hot mic picks up every one of Scott Walker’s answers during the first GOP debate[/ul][ul]Oct. 2015: Bernie Sanders is forced to walk back parts of his tax plan in the wake of arguments that slow-roasting the 10 richest Americans on a spit and feeding their carcasses to the unemployed would be unfeasible[/ul][ul]Oct. 2015: In a highly embarrassing debate performance, John Kasich severely misreads the primary-voting public by appealing to their intelligence and dignity[/ul][ul]Nov. 2015: Donald Trump is caught in a blatant lie when he claims he saw Muslims cheering at one of his campaign events[/ul][ul]Feb. 2016: American people fail to take threat of Donald Trump becoming president seriously in the final month they could have done something about it[/ul]

Don’t see why it’s unfeasible, there’s only 10 of them . . .

Unless you’re Jesus, those 10 won’t feed the multitudes.

Well, he’s Jewish and he’s trying to save the world!

When da people was in work-for-a-living land,
Let My people go!
Oppressed so hard they could not stand,
Let My people go!

Bernie Moses Sanders


Damn you beat me to it (by 3+ hours) and with a much better quip than mine to boot.

How does Hillary Clinton screw in a light bulb?

We’re not sure, which is why hearings should be held to determine what crimes may have been committed.

How can you tell when Donald Trump is lying?

His lips are . . . Oh, c’mon, are you kidding?! He can’t tell when he’s lying!

A few more illuminating jokes.

How does Rand Paul screw in a light bulb?
He doesn’t because if not having light bulbs was good enough for the founding fathers it’s good enough for us.

How does Rick Santorum screw in a light bulb?
First he lubricates both the bulb and the socket.

How does Chris Christie screw in a light bulb?
He doesn’t. He just tells the light bulb to screw itself.

How does Ben Carson screw in a light bulb?
Same as the rest of us, he just doesn’t use the brightest bulb available.

South Park has an episode dedicated to this precise concept: Where my country gone. Here’s the theme song (NSFW), but the full episode is an awesome take down of Trump (available on Comedy Central website).

Mike Huckabee terminated his campaign last week. I feel he should have been forced to carry it to term regardless of his own wishes.

We can harvest it for parts. He can keep the brain.