I’m putting this in IMHO rather than GD because I’m more interested in hearing personal accounts than arguing the issue. I am not looking for stories about first times and the like. Instead, it’s the attitudes and opinions about premaritial sex that I would like to hear about.
And here are the poll questions:
If you were raised Christian, were you taught as part of your religious education that premarital sex was a major sin (on the order of murder & blasphemy) or a minor one (like saying “shit”)?* I’m not asking about your current attitudes, but your perception of your parents’ & spiritual advisors’ attitudes.
Making a distinction between the formal dogma you were taught and the attitudes of people you knew from church, how much difference was made between female and male chastity?
If you consider yourself Christian now, and are either a parent or spiritual advisor of some sort (minister, Sunday school teacher, et cetera), what attitudes about premarital sex do you try to instill in your children or students?
What is your approximate age (±10 years), sex, childhood denomination (if applicable) and current denomination (if applicable)
*Of course, this presupposes that you were taught a distinction between mortal & venial sins, which not all churches acknowledge. I know more than a few preachers who would say that saying “shit” and killing your mother were equally offensive to God.
Thanks in advance,
Skald the Rhymer who never bothers to rhyme, though sometimes he does indulge in elaborate and abstruse kennings and , when no one acknowledges them, cries himself to sleep like a Welshman
I was raised in the Episcopal church (yeah, the one with all the gay priests), and I can’t recall sex being brought up AT ALL, certainly not in a “have sex = go to hell” way.
Well, one of my church’s priests was having a really well known relationship with one of the parishiners for a couple years before they finally got married, and they didn’t ACT chaste when at out-of-church events.
I’m not a Christian now, nor do I plan on having children, but I really think it’s more important to instill actually RESPONSIBILITY in children, rather than lie to them and say they’ll be doomed to hell if they have sex (which honestly is just ENCOURAGING them, since kids love breaking rules…)
Raised Christian, but premarital sex was not a topic in my religious education. It was a topic in our family household education however and we were told it just isn’t done.
People were more concerned with female chastity.
I not a Christian now beyond having been dipped in it continuously since birth, so I guess this question is not for me? I tell my kids to be safe, considerate, and pay attention to their own feelings. They’re sexually active teens.
Mid 50s, male, raised Episcopal, now atheist.
My church didn’t teach much of anything as far as what is a sin and what isn’t (nor did it treat scripture as the “word of God”). Readings from the bible were food for thought. I still find it productive as such. Treating it as a rule book makes asses out of people.
Raised Christian in a church where all sines were considered equal in the eyes of God. But pre-marital sex was one of those sins that was worthy of being socially ostracized.
Female chastity seemed to be pretty much assumed at my church, after all why would women be interested in sex? It was the boys who had to be constantly reminded that sex was very very bad, until you got married, then it was permissible.
**Raised Catholic, by semi lapsed Catholics. Wasn’t a topic they paid a lot of attention to.
**
No distinction was made, IIRC.
**Sex serves as an expression of love and affection and was intended to be pleasurable. It also serves as a means of having a family. In both features it is a gift from God and was intended for, and reserved for, married couples.
**
Brought up pretty hardcore (non-denominational) Fundamentalist Christian
Pretty Major. Not on the level of Murder, but unquestionably Immoral. A very big deal (even masturbation was Very Bad).
None that I was aware of, but I only got the Control Boy Lust for Marriage speech, not Protect Sacred Female Virginity speech (though I imagine my sister did)
I’m neither, but my attitude would be Caution, Information, Prevention. Try not to make rash, impulsive decisions, but in the heat of the moment, Always Be Prepared.
38, Male, and current denomination is Christian but non-affiliated (Presbyterian and Methodist are closest to where I’m at)
Pretty much, yeah. My parents stressed that if I got some girl pregnant, they would support me, but they didn’t want it to happen in the first place. It was definitely a Bad Thing.
If you were raised Christian, were you taught as part of your religious education that premarital sex was a major sin (on the order of murder & blasphemy) or a minor one (like saying “shit”)?* I’m not asking about your current attitudes, but your perception of your parents’ & spiritual advisors’ attitudes.
My family is of the fine Catholic tradition that believes if you want nuanced contemplation on the nature of sin, you need to become a Jesuit. For the rest of us non-Jesuits, the rule was:
Do you want to end up like poor Colleen Kennedy from down the street who had a baby when she was 16 and now has to stay home every Friday night changing diapers? DO YOU? Then don’t have sex.
The question of whether or not it was a major sin took a backseat to the fact that it was a major public humiliation for your parents.
Even so, the male/female message was pretty equal. You could either BE 16 year old Colleen Kennedy, or the 16 guy married to Colleen Kennedy and living in the tiny apartment above Colleen Kennedy’s parents’ garage.
Funny, really, how this all changed when my mom got to the age where Colleen Kennedy’s mother lorded it over my mom that she has grandchildren while my mom does not.
Sex was considered a very big sin. Much more serious to be caught somewhere you shouldn’t be after marriage than to be caught having sex before marriage, though. Also not as big as murder.
In dogma, male and female premarital sex was treated the same. In practice, people were willing to ignore what the boys did, but girls got a reputation.
I would try to instill respect for others and self, an understanding of why waiting for marriage is ideal, and education about possible consequences and protection. In that order, though in my philosophy there is a lot of overlap.
I’m 30-ish, female, grew up conservative Anabaptist, and now attend a non-denominational evangelical church.
Premarital sex was a major sin, and the resulting pregnancies were thought to be the burden to bear for committing such a sin.
There was not much difference in how premarital sex was viewed in the dogma for males and females, although as I stated above, it seemed more of a personal scandal for the girls who had sex than the boys. There was also a little more of a boys-will-be-boys attitude. But, to be honest, homosexuality was considered more of a major sin.
I do not consider myself a Christian now, although I have been appointed “godparent” to not less than six nieces and nephews. No children of my own.
Age is 35ish, raised Catholic by 1st generation Italian, devout parents. Now I practice only at the church of St. Mattress.
Raised in a Chrisrian home, Still serving the Lord, Have been a youth leader.
Sin is sin. some sins have major results.
Chastity for both boys and girls in the church. At school girls should be virgins, boys sow wild oats.
I advise against premarital sex. It is a special relationship between two people to unite the into one. Sex out side of marriage devalues it. It is a shame but my generation was taught that it was wrong outside of marriage the somehow be came ok after marrage. No explnation of why. Sex is a wonderful thing. Churches today are not afraid to talk about it, both in main service and in the youth services.
I know many will disagree with me, that is ok.
I am in my 60’s. Raised in the Baptist church attend an A of G church.
I was raised United Church of Canada, although I stopped being Christian before the issue of sex came up. I was never taught much about it at all from a religious standpoint. If I had asked someone, I bet the answer would have been an understanding chat about setting limits and respecting myself and others. I have the impression that the UCC isn’t, you know, in favour of premarital sex, but compared to treating other people kindly, worshipping God, and social justice, sex is pretty far down the priority list. My dad was a Bible-believing, churchgoing preacher’s kid who was a church elder, and he never said anything to me against premarital sex.
My impression is that in church belief men and women are held to the same standards of sexual morality; the attitudes of the churchgoers are probably pretty similar to society at large (pretty casual, but with more informal pressure on women to be the gatekeepers).
n/a
I am 27, male, was raised United Church of Canada, but left the church at 16 and am now Pagan.
I grew up being taught that sex should be reserved for the married bedroom. This was the message that came from parents and other adults, including school teachers on those rare occasions when the subject was mentioned in that context, but I knew the married-only-sex ideology emanated from religious belief that permeated our isolated community. As a child I knew that “playing doctor” would have serious consequences if we ever got caught. I also knew that the high school kids that accidentally had babies and “had to get married” had “ruined their lives” and earned the everlasting scorn of everyone around us.
I knew that adults had varying degrees of commitment to the sexual ideology of the time and that the ideology was thus complicated and unevenly applied. Also, the ideology of sex was changing as I grew up. In my teens I saw wider and wider acceptance of non-marital sex, including the idea that a lifetime of sex could be enjoyed with multiple partners without ever bothering with marriage (James Bond movies, anyone?)
As a “child of the Sixties” I was, frankly, surprised at my sons’ somewhat prudish attitudes toward sex, and a little dismayed that it bothered them a lot to even think that their parents had ever had sex. (That’s fodder for another thread altogether, and probably already has been.) What we taught them about sex was that sex outside of marriage can be explosively dangerous, especially for the girls they would be involved with, and that lifelong consequences could be avoided only by having the utmost respect for the girls and women they dated. As it turned out, it was pretty much unnecessary advice, but at least we did our part.
Premarital sex was strictly a no-no. Thinking about sex before marriage was strictly a no-no. It would have been a ‘major’ sin.
No difference at all.
n/a
33, male, Non-denom (Independent baptist would be the closest approximation), n/a.
We didn’t really have the mortal v venial distinction, it was mostly taught that sin was sin and any sin meant damnation unless you were saved. Though some sins (sex outside marriage, homosexuality, murder etc) were more hammered on than others.
No one ever quanitified exactly how bad it was, but I always got the impression that this was a more-than-venial sin.
No difference. I was very confused, as I was growing up, by statements in books and magazines that people “expected” men to be less chaste, and the “sow their wild oats”. My upbringing frowned equally on male or female dalliances.
I consider myself agnostic now (and I’m not getting in any debates over that.)
1.Raised Catholic and it was never actually discussed directly in church or in school (I went to catholic school) but it never seemed a terrible thing, we were even taught sex-ed classes that assumed we would have premarital relations. At home I was told about the birds and the bees, and my parents never said it was a sin.
2.Girls were always supposed to be good little girls but everyone knew they usually weren’t.