If you were raised Christian, were you taught as part of your religious education that premarital sex was a major sin (on the order of murder & blasphemy) or a minor one (like saying “shit”)?* I’m not asking about your current
attitudes, but your perception of your parents’ & spiritual advisors’ attitudes.
Raised Catholic. Didn’t really talk about it at church. Mom was pretty adamant that sex was a Big Deal–something adults did–and that it wasn’t something you should do as a teenager, and certainly not something you should ever do casually. But when asked straight out if I should wait till I was married (I think this was when I was about 15), she said “well . . . . maybe more like engaged”. My strong impression was that she didn’t have any moral problem with even serial monogamy so long as it was in the context of a sincere and kind relationship.
Just as an aside, I hate that this debate is always put in terms of “pre-marital sex.” I think it would make more sense to talk about “pre-majority sex”, and I could even get behind sex ed programs that encouraged kids to wait until legal adulthood to have sex. But telling them to wait ten or more years until they get married? Madness.
Making a distinction between the formal dogma you were taught and the attitudes of people you knew from church, how much difference was made between female and male chastity?
None at all. We have three boys and three girls in the family and I never saw any difference in expectations there.
If you consider yourself Christian now, and are either a parent or spiritual advisor of some sort (minister, Sunday school teacher, et cetera), what attitudes about premarital sex do you try to instill in your children or students?
I am no longer a Christian.
What is your approximate age (±10 years), sex, childhood denomination (if applicable) and current denomination (if applicable)
There was no distinction that I remember between Sins and sins, taking a cookie without permission is the same in God’s eyes as robbing a bank at gunpoint, etc. Lots of books around like “Sexual Education for the Christian Young Lady” and stuff like that, premarital sex was Just Not Done, would doom the rest of your life since you’d immediately get a horrific disease and pregnant and be damaged goods no one else would ever want. God himself would forgive you, of course, but that would be little comfort since you’d have done gone and ruined your entire life.
I don’t remember much of a difference taught officially, and at home we were all girls. It was presumed that all boys wanted only one thing, I don’t remember it following that all boys would be doomed to eternal hellfire but we girls certainly would end up there if we didn’t save it for marriage.
My family is of the same tradition. And, by God, at least one of their sons was going to become a Jesuit (none did, in the end). My brothers and I were sent to Jesuit schools, of course.
So, my answers:
Yes, we understood that premarital sex was a sin. Possibly a mortal sin. Depending on circumstances and the state of one’s mind and one’s conscience, and one’s intention at the time of the possibly sinful act, and many other things (there’s that Jesuit thing). There was so much nuance it was hard to figure what what exactly was a sin and what was not. Which was the point, of course. *Humanae Vitae *was a major disappointment to my parents. To the point where it was (and still is) discussed whether or not it’s binding teaching.
None, really.
Not a parent. Hope to be one soon. My children will learn that sex is a powerful thing, not to be taken lightly. To the extent that there’s sin involved, the sin lies in trivializing sex.
Saying shit wasn’t considered a sin. Impolite, yes. Not Done, sure. But I never saw an appeal to God there. Anyway, pre-marital sex was perhaps less frowned upon than murder, but it was still a big no-no.
No difference. Girls just get caught easier when they get pregnant.
I’ve assisted in Sunday schools over the years, and I’m a secretary in a church club now. Most of the kids I deal with are too young for me to be bringing it up.
I’m 21, female. I spent my entire minority in a large Mennonite Brethren church. I consider myself non-denominational.
It was understood in the community that premarital sex was not the done thing, but it wasn;t explicitly stated all that much. Additionally I think that the churches I went to would say that all sins are equal in the eyes of God, but that Christ died for all sins, not just the minor ones. So no matter what you did you were never beyond forgiveness. As such if you did slip up there probably would be some “tsk-tsk ing”, but generaly the church community would forgive.
None as far as I could see.
Strictly N/A, but I want to give my opinion
I think that just telling kids “Don’t have sex!!!” is not the way to go and generally doesn’t work. I think you have to instill in them a sense of self respect and a high view of both sex and marraige. If I had kids to teach I would focus much more on building them up with positive positive messages rather than just telling them things they can’t do.
In my 30’s now. Male. Grew up Methodist-ish (Unitiing Church of Australia). Now O go to an evangelical Episcopalean (Australian Anglican) church, although I consider myself a Christian, not an Anglican.
I was raised Methodist and Jewish. Premarital sex wasn’t something we discussed with anyone outside of the family, including religious officials. My mom said she would very much prefer that we didn’t have premarital sex, but if we fell in love and did it anyway, she wanted to know so she could get us to a gynecologist. Her concern was mostly about our safety rather than any moral consequences sex might have.
I was raised in a family of women. The only male figurehead I had was an uncle, but I only saw him once every few months. I was raised to believe that men didn’t have control over themselves, so they couldn’t be expected to be strong enough to be chaste while women were stronger and bore the brunt of that burden. Of course, my dad left my mom for his secretary, so I suspect her views had more to do with that than with religious dogma.
I certainly no longer consider myself Christian; however, I’d like my son and any other children I might have to hold their own bodies in high regard. I don’t really care if they have sex as long as they’re mature enough to make that decision and aren’t doing it because of pressure they’re receiving. Like my mom, my primary concern is their physical and emotional well-being, not that they remain chaste.
I’m 33, female, former Methodist/Jewish and do not currently subscribe to a major religion.
My father is a Deist/agnostic and my mother is a lapsed Southern Baptist, so I never went to church except when I stayed over with friends. My parents never really displayed an overt opinion on the matter, except being safe, etc.
While there was never any formal difference in the attitudes of the people I knew, there sometimes was an unspoken assumption that “boys will be boys”, an attitude that makes me very angry.
N/A, but I do have strong personal feeling against extramarital sex, and I would try to instill that in any children I might have in a way that’s more likely to be effective than, “That’s bad. Don’t do it.”
Raised Catholic, but went to a fundamentalist non-denominational middle/high school. At school they drilled abstinence education into our heads, and they made a big deal about sexual immorality. One couple got expelled for a year for having sex on school grounds. At home, my parents didn’t seem to care too much, and they knew I heard way too much about it at school already.
Male and female chastity were equally important, but it seemed like more guilt was heaped on females.
I consider myself Christian now. While I’m too young to have kids, I would request that they act responsibly and practice safe sex.
Raised strict Catholic. Premarital sex never came up in the church, but my parents taught me about the birds and the bees, but they never taught me the dangers of premarital sex, probably because they never really imagined that it would come up. Boy, were they surprised my senior year in high school. All those workouts finally paid off.
Needless to say, once the horses were out of the barn I got the quick and dirty version, but by then I knew more than they did.
One of my better high school experiences . . .
And to answer the other questions, they taught no differences in sin between genders as far as sex went, I’m almost 40, and I’m an atheist.
Yes, I was taught that it was pretty high on the sin scale, maybe not up with murder, but you’d need to do some serious work to repair the spiritual damage from it.
I don’t remember all that well, but I think they were more worried about the girls, since they were the only ones who could get caught (pregnant).
I’m not a parent, but if a young person asked me for advice, here’s what I would tell them about how I feel. For younger kids (under about 16), wait, you probably aren’t mature enough yet. For older teens: if you choose to wait, that’s just fine. If you don’t, make sure that appropriate precautions are taken and both partners are treating each other with respect and are concerned for the other’s welfare. I think the premarital abstinence is way harder now than when you married kids off as soon as they hit puberty. Teenagers want to do it, there’s no changing that, but you can make it a positive experience and not end up permanent consequences.
1. If you were raised Christian, were you taught as part of your religious education that premarital sex was a major sin (on the order of murder & blasphemy) or a minor one (like saying “shit”)? I’m not asking about your current attitudes, but your perception of your parents’ & spiritual advisors’ attitudes.*
Only by my grandparents, and Sunday school. My parents were both pretty much ok with premarital sex, without ever mentioning sex. It was just sort of implied that they were ok with it, as long as they didn’t have to hear it.
2. Making a distinction between the formal dogma you were taught and the attitudes of people you knew from church, how much difference was made between female and male chastity?
Again, the same thing. My grandparents were more ok with males having sex, and not females, My grandfather even told me not to marry a “loose woman, but it was ok to date one”.
3. If you consider yourself Christian now, and are either a parent or spiritual advisor of some sort (minister, Sunday school teacher, et cetera), what attitudes about premarital sex do you try to instill in your children or students?
n/a
I would however, hope my children had sex before getting married. Just be responsible about it.
**
4. What is your approximate age (±10 years), sex, childhood denomination (if applicable) and current denomination (if applicable)**
taught: no difference
attitudes: no one seemed to think it was WORSE for men; some definitely had harsher things to say about female offenders.
not applicable. I’m not christian and I have no kids etc.
50, male, was raised methodist.
Was not taught anything like that. Hurting people, being a traitor to your country, kidnapping, stuff like that was worst; sexual rule-breaking was towards the top of the list, as was drunkenness and laziness and irresponsibility. Dirtywords and not going to church on sundays was pretty far down the list. I think the ‘mortal versus venial’ distinction is brand-specific to catholics but I could be wrong.
Girls were supposed to be the ones to say no because boys weren’t suppose to be able to control themselves. :rolleyes:
N/A. When this kid is born it’ll be told to treat it’s own body with respect and not to mess about with other people’s emotions or use them as objects.
26, female, parents took me to a Presbyterian church because it was the least fundy in the area, although I don’t think anyone in my family would identify themselves as Presbyterian. Now I’m basically somewhere on the Unitarian spectrum.
Presbyterians are big into guilt and “woe is me” stuff- no real difference between mortal and venial sins, as it all makes the little baby Jebus cry.
The message I got from Church (points 1&2) is NOT the same message I got at home, which was “lalalala I don’t want to know what you do in your own time with your boyrfriend lalalala I can’t hear you” and variations thereof.
I was eight when I stopped going (because my mother stopped making me) and have no recollection of sex ever being discussed.
While I stopped going at a young age, I did maintain contact with my friends from church. Girls who had sex were sluts. Boys who had sex were pretty much not remarked upon. From my family, sex outside of marriage was the norm. Legal marriage has never been important to my family.
N/A. If I had children, I’d want them to be safe from disease and unwanted pregnancy. Celibacy is not a requirement for that. My seventeen year old niece lives with me and we recently got her set up with an IUD as a backup plan and because her birth control pills were making her sick.
I definitely encountered the teaching that premarital sex was a no-no. I encountered this teaching both within my own church (though not with any special emphasis or frequency), in Christian contexts outside my own church/denomination (e.g. books I read on my own), and perhaps in secular contexts. I don’t recall whether it was specifically presented as “sinful” (or, if so, whether it was a “major” or “minor sin,” or even if there was such a distinction). It was a Bad Thing because it was dangerous/imprudent (risking pregnancy, STD’s, emotional heartache, etc.) and because it was God’s plan that sex be saved for marriage (which having sex beforehand would spoil).
I don’t recall any such difference. I think I would have noticed, and been bothered by, the illogic of a double standard.
I am neither a parent nor a “spiritual advisor.” Should I becme one, I would have to give some thought to what I would teach.
Age: 40. Sex: male. Childhood denomination: Christian (Disciples of Christ). Current denomination: no denominational affiliation.
Throughut much of human history, there wasn’t much of a gap (at least for females) between adulthood and marriage.
And, throughout much of human history, premarital sex meant a strong chance of premarital pregnancy, which may have meant a shotgun wedding or an unwed mother with a child she couldn’t support and little chance of a “normal, happy” life.
Nowadays, of course, things have changed, and I’m inclined to agree with you.
