Poll about premarital sex attitudes for Christians & persons raised Christian

In My Humble Opinion
41

I’m 48, and started going to Catholic school just as everything was starting to change in the Church.

I got all the last of the old school nuns, just before they retired, and the last of the young “cool” nuns, just before they quit.

I was in 2nd grade when nuns switched from floor length habits to more modern garb.

So, I should have some horror stories about how the old nuns filled us with guilt trips over sex, right? Well… actually, outsiders are usually amazed at how LITTLE the Church told us about sex, good OR bad.

I know the official Church teachings on all sexual subjects, but a LOT of my peers, who went through the same Catholic education I did, don’t. And why would they? The subject of premarital sex NEVER came up, in class or in SUnday sermons.

Birth control? Homosexuality? I never heard a single Sunday sermon on either subject, and never heard a nun discuss either subject.

Abortion? Exactly once a year, usually around the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade, priests would have to read an anti-abortion statement from the bishop. It always seemed like a formality.

42

  1. I’m from an evangelical background, so sin is sin - no more, no less. So it did annoy me that sexual sins were somehow elevated to a special status of “really serious”, when in fact from a spiritual point of view, all sin was the same.

  2. No distinction was made between male and female chastity - boys were meant to show more respect for girls and control their urges (but masturbation was an implied sin as well).

  3. I am still a christian and involved in the Anglican church. I am not involved in youth ministry, and I suspect that I would ruffle a few feathers were I asked. But if I had the opportunity to preach on relationships, I’d certainly say a few things, like:
    Pre-marital sex is just one of a number of sins young people are likely to commit - as a church lets treat them all the same, not overreacting, but with a measured and reasoned response.
    We should be equipping young people early enough with the tools and the judgement to handle the challenges they will be facing. This means educating early teens (14-16) about drugs, STIs, contraception, the works. If this means handing out condoms, so be it.
    The bible says nothing at all about masturbation - lets take that particular guilt out of the picture, but allow that sexual self discovery probably leads to individuals that understand themselves better, and have a better handle (in a manner of speaking) on their sexuality. However, the dangers of pornography (and the sins of lust and destructive self gratification that it can lead to) need to be stated.
    Never assume that you know where the kids that you are teaching are at, sexually. Don’t talk down to them, don’t use euphemisms, don’t get embarrassed, and answer their questions with straight answers. Some of these kids may have knowledge that outstrips yours, or experiences that you cannot understand. Allow for that, but be as prepared as you can be.
    Finally, for those who have it to give, your first sexual experience is a gift you can save to be offered to your marriage partner - but it is not something to be demanded of your prospective partner. At some point prior to marriage, you will need to have a discussion about sexual history. The way things are now, it is more than likely that your partner will not have saved themselves, so don’t expect it, and don’t be shocked that they have not waited even if you have. You have a gift to give them in the marriage bed.

A youth worker in our current church was surprised when a lad from our church approached him because he had got his girlfriend pregnant. When asked about contraception, the lad replied that they had never used any. The youth worker was left asking questions about his own assumptions and how he should change the things he said to the kids.
The worst youth sermon I ever heard started out with the assumption that all the youth in the building were actually virgins, and continued to heap judgement on those that engaged in premarital sex. I got really angry, because there was no space or solace for those who had already lost their virginity (via any route). The starting place should have been for them, pointing out that in the arms of Jesus, there is love and acceptance for all. There is an ideal, and a reality. Lets present the ideal, but live with the reality.

  1. I’m in my 40s, a lifelong charismatic Anglican

Si

43

  1. It was a Bad Idea. I don’t remember a lot of formal education, but there was talk about saving yourself for marriage, and sex being an important and special thing. Since I’ve switched denominations, I have heard homilies about abortion and contraception. I never heard them growing up. Anyway, I don’t know that it was weighted a lot heavier than other sins (Anglicanism doesn’t distinguish between mortal and venial), but it was made understood that there could be more lasting consequences than to, say, nicking candy.

  2. None. Male and female chastity were both important.

  3. Well, my son is only just over a year, so I’ve been lax about sex ed so far. I think what I would like to teach him is that what is done with the body, no matter what it is, matters. The physical is important, and physical intimacy isn’t to be entered into lightly. I hope to cover theology of the body and maybe NFP eventually.

  4. What is your approximate age (±10 years), sex, childhood denomination (if applicable) and current denomination (if applicable)

I’m 30, female, raised Anglican, and now a practicing Roman Catholic.

44

*1. If you were raised Christian, were you taught as part of your religious education that premarital sex was a major sin (on the order of murder & blasphemy) or a minor one (like saying “shit”)? I’m not asking about your current attitudes, but your perception of your parents’ & spiritual advisors’ attitudes.
**
Major sin
**2. Making a distinction between the formal dogma you were taught and the attitudes of people you knew from church, how much difference was made between female and male chastity?
**
Most important for females to be chaste but boys were going to be boys, right or wrong.
**3. If you consider yourself Christian now, and are either a parent or spiritual advisor of some sort (minister, Sunday school teacher, et cetera), what attitudes about premarital sex do you try to instill in your children or students?
**
Take care of yourself and be careful of others’ feelings. Don’t use sex as a weapon and sex is something that is important to a relationship, not just fun-time for you or for them.
**4. What is your approximate age (±10 years), sex, childhood denomination (if applicable) and current denomination (if applicable)
**
I’m 46, female, raised Catholic and a bit of a lapsed Catholic of late.

45

My situation is a little bit different than the others in this thread since I was raised in an atheist household. My parents never taught me anything about sex beyond defining the basic terms. Hence my education on the topic came entirely from the public schools, and the main point was that AIDS existed and people got it by having sex. I also remember a video of scantily-clad females singing a rap song with the lyrics “Sex can wait”. Other than that, most of my sex ed classes vanished from my memory a long time ago.

In answer to question three, if I did end up in conversation with a young person about these topics, I would mainly seek to emphasize that they should not bow to peer pressure. Just because most young people do it and the media glorifies it doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do. I would also mention that I’ve known many people who regretted becoming sexually active too early in life, but none who regretted abstaining until marriage.

I am a 26-year-old male, raised as an atheist, and now a member of the United Methodist Church.

46

This made me laugh out loud. :slight_smile: It reminds me of the Mr. T rap songs.

Valete,
Vox Imperatoris

47

I don’t recall anyone ever saying anything outright along the lines of “Thou shalt not fuck”, but somehow or another, the concept was conveyed that it was a Bozo No-no.

It was all on the girls. “Good” girls kept their legs locked together at the knees.

Not applicable.

60, Male, raised Episcopal, currently agnostic.

48

And here are the poll questions:

  1. If you were raised Christian, were you taught as part of your religious education that premarital sex was a major sin (on the order of murder & blasphemy) or a minor one (like saying “shit”)?* I’m not asking about your current attitudes, but your perception of your parents’ & spiritual advisors’ attitudes.

It was a big deal, maybe up there with blasphemy, but nowhere near murder. (While I was never taught about venal vs mortal sin, we were taught that it was worse to harm the weak than the strong, and that all we could do to God was disappoint him)

  1. Making a distinction between the formal dogma you were taught and the attitudes of people you knew from church, how much difference was made between female and male chastity?

Formal dogma held there was no difference. In attitude, ‘loose’ girls (those who were known to be active without at least living together) were given less leeway than boys.

  1. If you consider yourself Christian now, and are either a parent or spiritual advisor of some sort (minister, Sunday school teacher, et cetera), what attitudes about premarital sex do you try to instill in your children or students?

N/A (I’m neither Chirstian nor parent/advisor) The last time I talked to someone (a friend’s child) about premarital sex, my advise was about personal safety and responsiblity.

  1. What is your approximate age (±10 years), sex, childhood denomination (if applicable) and current denomination (if applicable)

Mid 30s, male, LCMS (Lutheran Church, Missouri Synod), non-churched Diest

49

  1. If you were raised Christian, were you taught as part of your religious education that premarital sex was a major sin (on the order of murder & blasphemy) or a minor one (like saying “shit”)?* I’m not asking about your current attitudes, but your perception of your parents’ & spiritual advisors’ attitudes. Major one.

  2. Making a distinction between the formal dogma you were taught and the attitudes of people you knew from church, how much difference was made between female and male chastity? I don’t remember in detail, but general feeling is, none.

  3. If you consider yourself Christian now, and are either a parent or spiritual advisor of some sort (minister, Sunday school teacher, et cetera), what attitudes about premarital sex do you try to instill in your children or students? Hypothetical, but I would go with sex should take place within marriage.

  4. What is your approximate age (±10 years), sex, childhood denomination (if applicable) and current denomination (if applicable) 40, F, Roman Catholic, Roman Catholic.

50

They had sex right there at the events?! What sorts of events?

51

  1. Big no-no, but not something a little communion couldn’t fix.

  2. No difference as best I can recall.

  3. She is only 2, so we haven’t had the big talk yet. I will likely encourage her not to be hasty with her sexual relations.

  4. 33, male, Lutheran, still

52

Raised Mormon.

  1. Very big sin. Adultery is worse, second only to murder, but premarital sex is also bad. For other sins, you can repent on your own, but sins related to sex requires talking to a bishop.

  2. The sin is the same for both, but we were taught that boys/men are interested in sex and girls/women want relationships. So essentially girls will give sex to get a boy in a relationship and boys will get into a relationship to get sex. Oddly, they never covered how to pick up women in bars and have sex without relationships.

  3. N/A

  4. Late 40s. Male. Agnostic

53

  1. Scarcely mentioned. I picked up the idea that it was bad from somewhere, but I don’t think it was from church, or really my family (and hey my dad was the pastor, some of the time).

  2. See above.

  3. pass

  4. mid-30s, male, Reformed Church in America/non-denominational Protestant (we were in the Persian Gulf, things are different there), not applicable

54
  1. I don’t remember sex being mentioned in catechism… but then, most of us taking that clas were 8-9 years old. I don’t think most parents start discussing sex ethics at that age. They assumed we knew some of the biology behind it. I guess it was something of “better wait until you get married”.

The rest of my family? Mostly lapsed Catholics with some protestant Christians. Even the most fundamentalist couple had premarital sex. Now that I’m adult, my granny encourages me to sow my oats. Oh, if only she knew…

  1. I didn’t and still don’t notice a difference between male and female chastity in the teachings… I do see, like matt_mcl mentions, a reflection of society’s attitudes. But then, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a church sermon dealing with sex and sexual conduct.

  2. Pass

  3. 25, Roman Catholic, still that (or a lapsed version of that).

55

  1. We didn’t really categorize sin like that. Sin was sin, though obviously some sins have greater practical ramifications than others. That said, from a purely social perspective, it would have been pretty high up there on the “how much would this cause my parents to flip-out?” scale. But like I said, that was more a personal matter than theological one.

  2. I can’t say that I ever noticed any difference based on gender. Church and family expectations were exactly the same for both genders.

  3. I’m not a parent, nor particularly any sort of minister or teacher. But if the situation were to arise, I think I’d approach it in about the same way it was presented to me. I was never made to feel that sex itself was wrong. In fact, sex is a good thing. But it’s intended to be something more than just a physical act, and therefore has a proper context.

  4. Age: 28
    Sex: male
    Childhood denomination: nominally Church of Christ, but it was a highly atypical congregation. C of C is (in most cases deservedly) notorious for being ultra-conservative. They probably preferred the term “progressive”, but “loony” would not have been inaccurate, either :p. Seriously, it was granola nut central. I can’t really explain how that happened.
    Current denomination: Still attending a C of C, but this one is fairly “middle-of-the-road” as far as where’d you’d put it on the liberal<–>conservative continuum. I don’t really consider myself to be affiliated with any particular denomination, though.

56

  1. I honestly don’t remember being taught much about sin at all, strangely. We learned the ten commandments, and everything else was more how to actively do good works rather than avoid sinning. Or maybe I just didn’t pay attention to the sin part? I only went to church until I was 15, and I was never in youth group - maybe that’s where things like sex and sin got addressed.

  2. I never heard talk from any of the parishoners about sex at all, let alone something this nuanced. As far as my parents, they only had daughters so I didn’t really get to see the other side, but they always seemed to think I was much more chaste than I was. I do remember my mother specifically telling me TO have premarital sex to make sure I was compatible with my future husband, though I think it was her intention for me to only do that with potential future husbands … oops?

  3. n/a, but I feel with my kids I would probably get pretty in-depth about emotional consequences (good AND bad), physical risks and how to reduce them, some basic sexual etiquette and ethics (e.g. always carry condoms, men AND women; never pressure someone not to use a condom; it’s not nice to have sex with someone who you know is head over heels in love with you, but it’s “just casual” in your eyes), and basically anything else at all they wanted to know.

  4. 26; female; United Methodist; Atheist

57

And here are the poll questions:

1. If you were raised Christian, were you taught as part of your religious education that premarital sex was a major sin (on the order of murder & blasphemy) or a minor one (like saying “shit”)? I’m not asking about your current attitudes, but your perception of your parents’ & spiritual advisors’ attitudes.*

A major one, not like murder though. I don’t remember there being alot of classification of sins- the primary message was that all sin can be forgiven if you ask for it. And I heard plenty of testimonies, from men, women and even my own parents, about premarital sex and how they got their shit together (before my mother left my dad for another woman, that is…) From the age of 12-14 or so, I was enrolled in an extra bible study just concerning premarital sex. That was only a couple of years after I did the math on my birth and my parent’s wedding 5 months earlier :rolleyes:.

2**. Making a distinction between the formal dogma you were taught and the attitudes of people you knew from church, how much difference was made between female and male chastity?**

I think it was pretty equal. I don’t remember feeling more or less responsible for premarital sex than the boys. Our bible class on the subject was female only, but I do think the boys had a similar class.

3. If you consider yourself Christian now, and are either a parent or spiritual advisor of some sort (minister, Sunday school teacher, et cetera), what attitudes about premarital sex do you try to instill in your children or students?

I have become about 90% agnostic, have been living with my partner without the benefit of marriage for 5 years and do not have or teach any children. If I did have children, I would probably encourage taking their time to having sex, that it should be with someone they cared about, and I would make sure they understood how important birth and disease control was.

4. What is your approximate age (±10 years), sex, childhood denomination (if applicable) and current denomination (if applicable)

I am 36, went to a “foursquare gospel”, evangelical type church and have not attended any church for over a decade.

58

NOTE: My situation may be unique, in that I went to church on my own, without my parents’ involvement. My parents’ attitude toward sex was “respect her, and use protection.” My church’s attitude was a different matter entirely. Read on:

  1. We were taught that it’s a sin, but not on the order of turning a cross upside down and peeing on it before burning it and dousing it in the blood of a goat. However, we were constantly harped on about what a really. bad. idea. premarital sex is: how it can screw up your life, screw up your current and future relationships, etc.

  2. None at all.

  3. I’m a Christian now, but I don’t have kids. I am, however, somewhat of a teacher in my church. However, my “flock,” so to speak, is K-5, so to even mention sex to them would be, at best, really weird.

  4. 38, male. I attend the same non-demonimational denomination (it’s a long story) now as I did then. (If you’re not interested in reading the wikipedia article I linked to, suffice to say that we’re conservative evangelicals.)

59
  1. Let’s see… my parents and the nuns put it into a sort of “medium”; the Parental Units didn’t do it, and my mother totally freaked out when she found out I had, but it sure was lesser than, say, adultery… if I’d done it with a married guy, Dad would have left his grave to come drag me into the nearest river! Other sources put it into “if it’s with your intended, it’s ok, (but you still have to be conscious that pregnancy may result, and when that happens you usually go get the paperwork done yesterday)”: this was pretty much the regular social attitude. Yet others put it as “let’s not lie to ourselves: sex happens, so since it happens, let’s make sure you kids go into it with as cool a head as y’all can have, let’s make sure it doesn’t happen unless both parts want it to happen, let’s make sure you know all the risks and all the options” <-- that was the nurse who taught us Sex Ed in 5th grade and let me tell you, she made a BIG impact. The public schools’ idea of Sex Ed was “boys, don’t worry; girls, take the Pill” - this was in the 70s and 80s.

In Spanish, shotgun weddings are called “bodas de penalty,” with a doble meaning. On one hand, it’s a “penalty” for getting pregnant; on the other, in real football a penalty shot is the easiest way to get a goal, and the goal of marriage was traditionally considered to be kids. If you’re already pregnant, you’re closer to the goal than a couple who isn’t.
I know parts of Spain where as little as 20 years ago, it was unusual for a non-pregnant couple to get married. “Why buy the cow if she ain’t fertile” was how they’d put it. Hicks? Naaaaah, where do you get those notions?

  1. The Church (it’s not dogma, it’s regulations; the dogma doesn’t include a list of sins) makes no distinction; some people did make a distinction but “it’s OK for my boy to sow his oats, but my girl better keep her legs crossed” was already viewed as a backwards attitude. See above for the distinction re. pregnancy prevention which public schools did.

  2. It doesn’t apply.

  3. 40yo, female, from Spain, Hispanic and Roman Catholic mostly with Franciscan and Jesuit background. I know there is no religion as “Hispanic Roman Catholic” but I find that a lot of things are viewed very differently by Hispanic and “white American” Catholics.

60

Wait, wait, hold on–THAT’S a SIN? Are you SURE?

Damn it. Now I’ve got to go find a priest just because of a stupid bet.