Todd [computer geek, body builder, recent convert to Marxism] called me “decadent” today – this, after he discussed protein windows! I couldn’t believe it. He said I was decadent because I was eating Lucky Charms. He said they were “symptomatic of a culture in decline – sucrose hysteria, you know.”
I said, “But Todd, Lucky Charms were invented during the Johnson Administration. Society couldn’t have been more anti-decline than it was then. Guns and butter . . . I can’t believe I’m even talking to you seriously about this. This is silly beyond belief.”
Anyway, that was the seed notion. Karla and I wrote a big list of “decadent cereals” on the office dry-erase wall:
CAP’N CRUNCH:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
a) Colonialist exploiter pursues naive Crunchberry cultures to plunder. b) Drunkennes, torture, and debauchery implicit in long ocean cruises.
SUGAR FROSTED FLAKES:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
Silky throated military-industrial complex spokestoad “Tony the Tiger” exploits the need of the undereducated underclass for a paternalistic, Reagan-like figure. A cautionary tale of the perils of not indoctrinating at the creche level.
TRIX:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
Well-meaning rabbit, “Trix,” kept in continual state of malnutrition/subservience by dominant children of the parasitic bourgeoisie. “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids” can only be construed as a call to class warfare.
LUCKY CHARMS:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
Man with no known adult friends lures children into forest for purpose of nutritional (ideological) seduction. Sprightly twinkle motif on packaging (putatively an allusion to “flavor”) are, in fact, metaphors for soul-deadening sucrose.
RICE KRISPIES:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
Snap, Krackle, and Pop thinly veiled emblems for the Trilateral Commission.
COCOA PUFFS:
Reason this cereal is decadent:
“I’m cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,” the demented cackle of Sonny the Cocoa Puffs bird/spokesmuppet, is resonant with the insanity inherent in the needless enslavement of the proletariat.
COUNT CHOCULA – FRANKENBERRY:
Reason this cereal is not decadent:
Gay relationship offers an excellent role model for this new era of diversity. Witty vampire motif plays on never-ending struggle of the oppressed people to topple the ruling classes.