There’s this girl in my law classes. We’ll call her “X.” And we’ll call her “X” because I don’t know her real name. I don’t know anything about her except that she sits right in front of me.
She came to class last week with a puffy eye. I figured that this could have been for a number of reasons, certainly abuse being one of them, but it wasn’t worth it to jump to conclusions. Today she had a bruise on her arm about the size of two dollar coins next to each other.
Now, while I still don’t want to jump to any conclusions, this is narrowing the possibility of “coincidental accidents” for me.
So what do I do here?
Legally, I don’t need to do anything, but morally it’s all briar patchs and twisty roads.
I can ignore it. Mind my own business.
I can report it. To who? About who? I don’t even know if it’s abuse let alone who’s doing it.
I can confront her. “excuse me, I know I’m a total stranger, but why do you keep getting welts all over you?”
And then there’s further complications. What if taking action leads to bigger problems? What if it perpetuates the abuse somehow?
And on the flip side, why is she wearing a t-shirt that clearly lets people see the bruise? Does she want someone to see it and be concerned? Is this a cry for help?
I’m looking for advice here because I honestly have no idea what to do. I’m a bit busy this afternoon but I’ll be checking in later this evening to see if anyone can suggest anything. Thanks in advance.
If it is of concern the right thing to do would be to ask her how she got injured. Either she explains it, avoids it or confides in you and you will have some concrete direction. You need more information before you do anything.
If you don’t want to ask directly you can give her an opening to share with a non-serious observation ie.
“That’s quite a shiner you had are you going out for the boxing team?”
“That’s quite a shiner you had I’ve bet the other girl looks worse.”
“Man you are a bruise magnet. Are you taking pro wrestling classes.”
I like astro’s idea, if you have a chatting-in-class relationship with her.
Tough call. It could be anything from a nasty boyfriend to an abusive parent to a bleeding disorder to just an incredibly clumsy girl. By a bleeding disorder, I don’t mean that she’s a hemopheliac or anything. In my family, as you get older, your skin becomes like paper and you bruise and cut really easily. We used to think it was just an “old person” thing, but we all seem to do it on my dad’s side.
Tread lightly, these things have a way of hurting people unintentionally. Good luck.
Ask her directly (in private). You may make yourself uncomfortable… so cope, you are an adult. Offer to help her find other accomodation if necessary, accompany her to the counselling centre on campus, whatever. Nothing personal, but people usually avoid doing anything in order to spare themselves embarrassment.
Thanks for the responses so far. No, I’m not really even chatty with her. I don’t know her at all, I think I’ve talked to her once. There is someone that sits next to her that I could talk to, perhaps, but I don’t know if they’re that close of friends to begin with that she would be able to help me. Talking to the professor is certainly an option, but I’m not sure what he would be able to do that I couldn’t do myself.
The professor can approach it from a different direction.
If a student in the class is e.g. unwell, or not concentrating, it is natural for the professor to ask what the problem is. They also have backup available from the other staff.
Another good reason is that the professor may know something you don’t. It’s also a courtesy to the college.
There is probably some sort of womens group on campus that may be able to give you some suggestions.
But I would also point out that my wife is very easily bruised and her bruises sometimes look very bad. Right now she has a really nasty dark balck/yellow one one her leg from bumping into a file drawer. I also caught her once by accident with my elbow to her eye. So maybe there is no problem.
Don’t discount the possibility that she has a hobby that might be responsible for the bruises. I mountain bike (and I’m not even close to what I’d consider an extreme rider) and I’ve had 2 wrecks so far this summer that have been bad enough to make me look just a little bit too much like a domestic violence victim. One good face plant and you’re talking about an oh-so-lovely shiner and various bruised limbs. I’ve sported visible bruises on my face, arms and legs from relatively benign falls on the bike.
My immediate co-workers are all aware of my sporting outside of work, so they understood…but I’m sure that I got some looks from other people who weren’t in the know. A friend of my sisters (also an avid mountain biker) went to the hospital for laparascopic surgery and one of the nurses wanted to call in an abuse agency based on bruises she noticed while this friend was having the procedure. She had to explain to the nurse that she had a low iron problem that exacerbated bruising, and that the bruises were all from her riding. It’s nice that the nurse was concerned, but you can see how easily it is to miscontrue teh situation.
On the other hand…you could always use this as an opportunity to broach the subject. Can you casually bring up the bruises you noticed and ask if she mountain bikes or something like that? If it really is an abuse issue, it could give you the opening you’re looking for…if not, maybe she can explain and put your fears to rest.
See, that’s the problem here. Actually, two problems. I don’t know her and I don’t know the problem. And the more you guys post, the more likely I find it to be that two bruises does not equal abuse. So for me, a classmate but still a total stranger, to come up to her, it may be weird. Yes, she can see it as concern if nothing’s going on. Or she can get scared that I’ve discovered something if there is something going on. Or she could turn defensive and ask what business it is of mine. And she’d be right. What business is it of mine?
I tried to talk to the girl who may or may not be X’s friend, but she was with X during the breaks. At least that says they are friends and maybe this girl can help me out.
I’m not an active person, and I’m not abused by anyone, but sometimes I have bruises. Usually, if I get one, then I get two. They always come in pairs. This is because I’m a)clumsy and b)a bruiser and c)constantly half asleep. Keep an eye on the girl, and try to befriend her. Don’t assume the worst from two bruises.
I have had the most hideous, painful-looking, huge bruises appear on my body for no apparent reason. I’ve never had a black eye appear for no reason, but the arm one could be anything.
Slight hijack-females are not hemophiliacs-there have only been two or three cases in history of female bleeders-all died at menstruation. It only affects males.
Perhaps she’s just a klutz. Like me-I had this HUGE huge shiner once on my eye. I got it in the stupidest way-I was leaving my room in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and stepped on something on the floor. I leaned down to pick it up, and when I stood back up, I forgot I had a circulating fan sitting on a chair in the middle of the room. I smacked the corner of my eye off of the chair.
With your current relationship, I don’t think that you should be getting involved. A well meaning more or less stranger coming up to an adult to ask about her possible abuse is ruder than anything. (If you saw her getting hit, IMO, that would be different, right now, it is nosy to rude.)
If you are genuinely concerned about her and willing to get involved - get to know her. Begin with casual chit chat about her, her life, what she does, you, your life and what you do. This should take time. Become a person she might be willing to talk to about personal stuff. Look for clues then. If it becomes obvious that she’s getting hurt due to some idiot…then use the relationship you’ve established to do something about it. (Please don’t start gossip about it…whether or not she’s being beaten, the last thing she needs is to be known as “that abused girl, X” behind her back.)
Why don’t you strike up a conversation about class? Feign ignorance about some point the prof made and ask her for help. Then as you get to know her the story will unfold.
But I would like to point that you’re a swell guy for caring about a total stranger.
Ender - Just please do something to find out. Befriend her, anything.
My sister suspected her neighbors may be abusing their child, she didn’t do anything because she had never seen anything. That child now wears a helmut to protect his head from the seizures he now has, a result of brain damage from the years of abuse.
You don’t need that guilt. Strike up a conversation and become a friend.
I say strike up a conversation. Something along the lines astro mentioned. I’m a tiny little girl who used to show up to school with bruises all up and down my arms and legs. They were from my boyfriend, but here’s the catch: we got paired up in Karate a lot. I was always got questioned about them, sometimes they looked like handprints. I started showing them off (dude, check out this one!) because people were worried that I was being abused. It wasn’t annoying, I was actually happy that people cared enough about me to ask. So, ask her about them. Could be she’s just a stud-muffin like me.
I would go with talking to a member of staff in confidence, and also striking up a casual friendship with Miss X.
Of course, the bruises could well be innocent, as has been pointed out. For instance, I’m an epileptic and I am always bruised after a fit, especially on the face/forehead. A doctor once asked me if my fella was hurting me because of the marks. I was able to dismiss his fears but I was certainly not offended- I thought more highly of that doctor afterwards because he was concerned.
As you may know, I do Hap Ki Do (I yag about it all the time around here). I wind up with bruises ALL THE TIME. Big ones. Big nasty icky ones. I pay $$ for this. (Don’t ask me why.)
Anyhow, I get complete strangers commenting on my bruises all the time. I always say “I do Hap Ki Do” and I certainly never get offended.
I’ve also been bruised by an ex-boyfriend - I didn’t get offended when people commented on those either.
This girl KNOWS that people are noticing her bruises - you should do like previous posters have suggested and bring it up casually - “Wow - thats quite the bruise!”
If she’s on the boxing team, she’ll let you know. If she wants help, she’ll let you know and if she wants you to leave her along, MYOB, she’ll let you know that too.
I think the world would be a bit nicer, if people had more concern for each other.
I myself don’t see anything at all wrong with asking a classmate where they got an impressive bruise. Asking them “Is that bruise from your boyfriend smacking you up?” is a different matter.
Those times when I have had alarge bruise, I have also usually had a good story that I am itching to tell.
