**Famous SDMB Doper Confesses **
Shirley Ujest admits after 200 consecutive postings in the Onion WTC Thread that she has no life. " It was the least I could to during our countries crisis."
<< *smoooooch * >>
**Bin Laden Apologizes for WTC “Mishap” **
“The idea was to fly planes between the two WTC towers to call attention to launch of “Taliban World Airlines” and demonstrate competence and skill of our pilots,” claims Bin Laden
Red Cross Oerwhelmed With Donations, Gives Blood Back
Jay Leno’s Man on the Street nterview–‘Jay-Walking’-- Popular Among Afganhi Islamic Leaders
“You Americans are so dumb,” laughs cleric.
President Bush Still Stumped By Name of Pakistani Leader
“General ‘What’s-his-name’–ask Condi,” replies Bush.
FRANCE SURRENDERS TO SALVATION ARMY
French military overwelmed bells, kettles, piles of outdated clothes.
LOCAL YOUTHS CLAIM WTC DISASTER "LACKED THE QUALITY SPECIAL EFFECTS SEEN IN “INDEPENDANCE DAY”"
FLAG MAKERS DECARE UNILATERAL VICTORY!!
BUSH SEEKS AID OF FREMEN
by SDMB contributor erislover
“What we need now is desert power,” says a troubled Bush. Shai Hallud was unavailable for comment.
The troubled Fremen were often overlooked in the desert area, considered to be a small number of innocents in an area torn by those lusting for power over the desert.
Says Secretary of State Powell, “We have reason to believe that they are much greater in number than previously anticipated.” It is “unlikely” that the neighboring factions will use their nukes, even though the US’s shield wall is not operational, as the Fremen themselves are spread out and not easily targeted by conventional weapons. President Bush notes, “We need to get our hands on the Water of Life [that is, oil-- ed.] to ensure a continued operation towards the liberation of these ‘desert people.’”
The CIA has commented on having their hands tied in this matter, however. “We simply don’t have the human intelligence necessary to inflitrate any particular sietch. Without that ‘man on the inside’ we simply don’t know what the Fremen are capable of, or whether they will consider allying with us against what the US perceives to be a common threat.”
Analysts expect that the Fremen will be sympathetic to the cause, though they caution trampling the religious element. “Look, they can essentially control giant sandworms,” they say. “This isn’t a group to mess with. Our diplomacy must be perfect because our air power will be useless if these people also become a threat to us.”
The Fremen’s strength, note analysts, lie in their suspected numbers and their well-known determination. It is likely that successful diplomatic efforts will result in a sharing of information and other essentials. It is expected that the US will learn fighting techniques while sharing their own with the Fremen. It is also expected that we will arm the Fremen with the latest in weapons technology which has reached mass production.
Perhaps the most important aspect of a Fremen alliance lies in thier own information network. Much effort is being put toward this alliance because gaining access to the “shadout mapes,” or “housekeeper,” will provide the US will valuable information. With such information little causualties will be found inside of civilian areas and in the US military.
Naysayers caution any involvement with the Fremen, however. They note that reports of expected Fremen numbers are specious at best, and come from largely unconfirmed sources. As well, the Fremen we do have contact with show extreme reservation with regards to commenting on any involvement. Further detractors worry about racial prejudice resulting from such an alliance, and even more caution that we are simply creating another diplomatic problem to solve existing ones.
One thing is certain, however. Opposing forces have campaigned in the past to remove and eliminate the Fremen from the desert. From this many say we can be certain that the Fremen can be a threat, and suggest an alliance before any further action is taken.
Religious analysts worry on different grounds than the pure tactics of military alliances, however. “The Fremen have a peculiar breed of belief,” says Doctor Breathed of Miskatonic University, a professor of religious sociology. “They are not unlike the Jewish faith in that their savior has not arrived yet to liberate them. Their somewhat backward culture may look to our abilities as indicative of being that savior, however. As well, their relationship with the terrifying sandworms is embodied in a mythical belief. Where we as American might expect the Fremen to control the desert, the Fremen themselves believe they do so only at the suffrance of Shai Hallud. It is the sandworms who actually control the desert, and though-- again-- we would use all evidence to say that the Fremen control the sandworms, the exact opposite is true to the Fremen. It is a strange propaganda they have convinced themselves of, and we must be careful to work with that belief system and not simply impose our own.” The doctor concludes, “There is little room for mistake in this, as the Fremen’s way of life has been in its modern form for their entire history. It is both a religion and a political system, not unlike the muslim-islam connection.”
As with most articles, we will end by stating something completely unrelated by anything previously said above, and which is in no way supported by any evidence given.
IN A RELATED STORY GREENSPAN DEMANDS THAT "THE SPICE MUST FLOW!!"
Seriously erislover, that was great! And better written than the stuff in my local paper as well.
NYC Tourist Campaign On Hold; Elton John song, “I’m Still Standing” “…not entirely appropriate at this time,” says Mayor.
E-Mail Spam decreases 40%; Flycheap.com cites “disappointing drop in consumer confidence.” In related news, the Better Business Bureau gave an A+ rating to four Internet porn sites today. “The ability of barely-legal cum-sucking sluts to continue with their important work in the face of this tragedy is to be commended.”
Bush Bids For Rights To Bon Jovi Song 'Dead or Alive
New York Post Still Stupid
In the wake of this past week’s horrible tragedy at the World Trade Center, the New York Post, one of New York’s oldest “newspapers” is still stupid.
Mike Bloomberg Launches Ad Campaign Against Self
“I didn’t sign up for this shit,” griped the media mogul
Heroic New York Stoners Donate Dimebags to Police, Rescue Workers
“It was, like, the only thing we could think of to help,” said Joe “Kazz” Fletcher, who owns a collection the world’s biggest and most efficient debris removal machines. “Yeah,” added Mark “yeah” Fisher, a surgeon who speciallizes in severe trauma.
Snopes Debunks Single Plane Thoery
Says NASA faked the whole thing
Petronas Towers Claim Responsibility
“Planet not big enough for the four of us”
Terrorist Attack All A Dream
Patrick Duffy seen emerging from WTC bathroom
Dr. Emmitt L. Brown Wanted For Questioning
“When he returned from the future, he could have at least mentioned this,” says FBI spokesman
Bin Laden Releases Demand - Hand Over Carrot Top, Fran Dresher
“You could have just asked nicely,” responds Bush
Point-Counterpoint
Kill 'Em All and Let God Sort 'Em Out
by William P. Farright
Are You Nuts? I’m Still Working on My Sock Drawer!
by God
**AFGHANISTAN WOULD NOT QUALIFY FOR STATEHOOD ONCE DEFEATED, SAYS CONSTITUTIONAL EXPERT
Eventual population of 14 would be too small to qualify
AIR RAGE INCIDENTS UP 218% IN SEPTEMBER
BIN LADEN DECLARES AMERICA “GREAT SATAN”; HELL SUES FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT
Incredulous Russian leader Putin asks: “What are we, chopped liver?”
BUSH RULES OUT SURGICAL STRIKES
“Now is not the time for medical unionization,” declares Prez
AMERICA STANDS BEHIND BUSH AGENDA IN WAKE OF LEADERSHIP
Congress approves oil drilling and strip mining of Old Faithful, Grand Canyon, Washington Mall. Gun control advocates to be rounded up and shot, abortion clinics burnt to the ground. “Now is the time to stand behind our President,” leaders say
PARAGUAY DECLARES WAR ON AFGHANISTAN
Plans to have over 175 troops, 2 tanks ready by 2018; “Gee, thanks,” says Powell**
Vinnie,
I’m no virgin, but you slay me.
**Extreme Snowboarders Plan Memorial Board-o-Thon **
Promising to snowboard down the remains of the WTC this winter after a couple of good snowfalls, members of this tightly knit, peace loving sub culture have issued statement that is an exerpt from “Snowboarder & Weed Magazine”
“It could have been one of us that was killed in that attack, man.” says Brandon “Flyboy” McGuire, 24, no permanent address.
“Yeah, except none of us own a suit or could pass drug testing for any company at either the WTC or Pentagon.” replied Tyler " Bug" Hughes, 24, no permanent address.“I was kicked out of the Army for having a problem with authority, though.”
“But, y’know, if those damn camel jockeys bombed Snowmass, or whatever,” said one tearful Jacob “Sherpa” Langston, 26,who lives in his aunts basement during the summer time.
“I know that our American brothers and sisters of Wall Street would, y’know, do something to commenerate our lives, man. That’s the kinda solidification we have in this country.”
“Dude, I don’t mean to piss in your cheerios, but I think you mean *soliloquy *” came the reply from Bug Hughes.
" Duuuude," retorts “Bug” Hughes, " You are such an Einstein. They might have had a “slide down the little metal strip between the escalators in honor of us, y’know. Experience the wind in their toupees, catching some air in their Easy Spirit Loafers, y’know.”
"Except there are those little metal studs…, " interjects Flyboy McGuire.
Bug and Sherpa look at each other, slack jawed before saying in gleeful unison, " They could pretend those are moguls, duuuuude."
Flyboy smiles brilliantly, before turning his attention back to the interview, his fingers day-glo orange from cheeto’s,
" Yeah, we know it’s risky to board where no boarder has gone before, and it’s illegal to be at Ground Zero, but that ain’t gonna stop us. No way. Man, we are doin’ it honor of those that died and showing that Osama “Your Mama” Bin Laden we aren’t pussy whipped…uh…don’t print Pussy whipped, my mom might read this, k?"
Unix geeks try unsuccessfuly to rm -rf /bin/laden
No such file or directory
The WTC Attack: I Did It For Allah
by Osama bin Laden
vs
You Just Don’t Get It, Do You?
by Allah **
[/QUOTE]
I’ve just got to run with this one.
The WTC Attack: I Did It For Allah
by Osama bin Laden
Our attacks on the evil Americans have gone exactly as planned. The Great Satan has been struck in the heart of their imperialist corporate empire and their murderous military organization. And make no mistake about it; I did it for Allah.
Praise Allah the Benevolent! He has seen me through many difficult times, through my days of fighting the Godless Soviets in Afgahistan through my exile from the Holy Land of Arabia. Allah has not forgotten me, and so I have not forgotten Him. In His name I have struck out against those who would oppose Him, the evil Satanists of America, who strike out at Allah with every opportunity and who use their Jew henchmen to enslave our people.
No longer. I and my followers are truly doing God’s work. There are those who would say that we must pursue peace, but they are naive and ignorant. The Americans and the West are heathen filth. Were they harmless they may be convertable ignorants, but they are not. The serve the forces of evil and their lands must be cleansed in holy fire. We are not done yet; in the years to come we will only become more successful and shall begin destroying the West. Praise Allah, for it is His grace that allows me to pursue this most difficult path. The strength He grants me I shall not waste. Death to America! Allah Achbar!
You Just Don’t Get It, Do You?
by Allah **
Fuck me. I cannot believe this. Six thousand years I’ve been working on these frickin’ idiots and still it’s the old “I killed them in God’s name” line. Yo, Osama, word up; you just don’t get it, do you?
Call me God, Allah, Yahweh, Jehovah, or whatever, there’s one thing that just pisses Me off to no end; violence in My name. You know, I’ve tried, really. I send prophets, I send My kids, and I say “peace, peace, love thy neighbour” again and again. And it’s in one ear and out the other! Wars, murders, genocide, Crusades, now this.
Sometimes I wonder if I should have revealed Myself to My people at all. Religion sure doesn’t seem to keep the nuthatches down for long. They don’t listen to anything, and when they do they twist it all out of shape; I mean, whgo could get “Homosexuality is wrong” out of something I clearly intended to be a commandment against Barbra Streisand albums? Morons!
I convened my executive council the other day and they all said it’s not My fault. “They’re just a pack of fuckin’ loonbars,” Mohammed said. Jesus says, “Yeah, Dad, not your fault.” Moses wanted me to just start smiting people again. I have to admit it’s tempting. I haven’t pulled off a good smiting in years, not since Game 6 in 1986. Ahhh, Bill Buckner. Skip Sunday school, will ya? Heh heh.
But back to my original point: I’ve given Osama long enough. I tried to help him, and he goes apeshit and kills thousands of people. Some people just don’t get it, do they? Well, let him have his stupid delusions. When his judgement time comes, he’s in for one Hell of a surprise. Yes, indeedy.
Bush Declares War on Afghanistan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan and Stan Musial
“Who can keep them straight?” Asks Prez
Socialites Kept From Lavish Waterfront Condos For Eighth Straight Day
Unruly, impecably-dressed crowd gathers outside Balducci’s
Gambino, Castellano Families Rejoice
“Carting” business sees massive profits; law enforcement distracted
“That fuck bin Laden’s the best thing that ever happened to us.” Jokes John Gotti
Empire State Building Questioned
“I would never hurt Tradey,” Says Empire, “They were like little brothers to me.”
Point/Counterpoint:
This Would Never Have Happened If I Were President
by Albert Gore
Shut Up, You Loser
by George W. Bush
This made me laugh so loud I woke up my napping daughter.
**“Springtime for Osama” **
Hit broadway show " The Producers" are changing the central butt of the joke theme in their smash success. Instead of
“Springtime for Hitler” it is now “Springtime of Osama in Afghanistanmusial” “If you can’t laugh at a mass murderer, meglomaniac and physcotic, then you can’t laugh at all.”
[quote]
“Yeah, Dad, not your fault.” Moses wanted me to just start smiting people again. I have to admit it’s
tempting. I haven’t pulled off a good smiting in years, not since Game 6 in 1986. Ahhh, Bill Buckner. Skip Sunday school, will ya? Heh heh.
[quote]
Brilliant. Word up, Osama…heh.
I love all you Onion dopers.
IRWIN ALLEN RISES FROM GRAVE, DENOUNCES ATTACK
How is anyone supposed to enjoy my films now?
FOLGER’S COFFEE ABOARD HIJACKED PLANES
We replaced the flight computers with Folger’s crystals, unfortunately
JOHN SHAFT SOUGHT BY STATE DEPARTMENT
Bush, Powell seek advice on dealing with Bin Laden
POINT
I Invented Hijacking
by Al Gore
COUNTERPOINT
***snort**giggle Yeah Right!**
by D.B. Cooper*
and
POINT
This was a justified action against Satan
by Osama bin Laden
COUNTERPOINT
Sama you ignorant slut!
by Dan Ackroyd