Possible ONION Headlines (Warning: WTC Humor)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
341

BUSH CREATES DEPARTMENT OF UNFORTUNATE NAMING
“Infinite Justice”, “Department of Homeland Security” Early Successes"

“In the wake of this tragedy, the nation was rallied behind me like it never has before,” the Preisdent announced today, “and quite frankly, that scares me.”

To combat this rampant wave of support, Bush has created the Department of Unfortuante naming to take measures that almost all of the nation would support, and cast them in the least positive light possible, drawing allusions to Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union, or dripping with potential irony and blasphmous hubris.

342

WHITNEY HOUSTON WORLD SERIES FAUX PAS

Last night Whitney Houston was was slated to give her patriotic rendition of the National Anthem at the World Series. She took to the field, clearly, intoxicated and strung out and sang the National Anthem of Afghanistan by mistake.

343

Point-Counterpoint

My Son Is Handling This Crisis With Dignity, Compassion and Wisdom
by George H.W. Bush

Throughout his life, people have underestimated my son, George, now the 43rd President of the United States. And he has always proved them wrong. I am immensely proud of George right now, and with good reason: my son is handling this crisis with dignity, compassion and wisdom.

He has the most difficult job in the world right now. He, like all Americans, is angry about the brutal terrorist attacks against us. It would be easy for him to lash out in his anger, to order ruthless attacks against countries like Afghanistan, Iraq, and Libya. He is the Commander-in-Chief of the armed forces; if he chooses to do this, he can. But he does not, because he knows that military action alone will not solve this problem, and that now is the time for carefully planned, yet forceful and righteous action.

If you want to know how my son is handling this crisis, just listen to him. Listen to the speech he delivered before Congress this Thursday. He showed a profound understanding of international politics, a great compassion for the American people, and great wisdom in calling for a tempered, but strong, response. Notice how he articulated a carefully-worded demand to the ruthless Taliban. Notice how he called on his fellow Americans to accept Muslims around the world as our friends. And notice the heart-wrenching moment when he held up the badge of a fallen police officer, showing how he, too, was deeply affected by the loss of life. I was so proud of him at that moment, I could have wept.

One day, history will record that my son was one of the greatest presidents our nation ever had. Before now, people doubted his suitability for office, his intelligence, his maturity. After this crisis is over, they will doubt no more.

I Can’t Wait To Bomb the Shit Out of Those Towel-Heads
by George W. Bush

What a shitty couple of weeks this has been. I’m finally starting to enjoy being President, and now this happens. Terrorists blow up the Empire State Building and kill, like, 500 people. I never trusted those Arab bastards before, but now they’re really fucking up my shit. But don’t worry, I’m going to get back at them. In fact, I can’t wait to bomb the shit out of those towel-heads.

I wanted to drop nukes on the whole region the minute this thing happened, but Colin told me that would be a bad idea. He said there would be an international outcry, it would possibly start World War III, and that would probably mean they’d cancel the baseball season. I’m not going to risk that, not this late in the season. So I’m going to wait.

I gave a speech last night that one of my advisors wrote for me. It was all just mumbo-jumbo, so I just read whatever they told me. Some crap about “Islam,” whatever that is, and something about the “Tally Band.” Justice, security, patience, blah blah blah. They had me hold up some policeman’s badge, I don’t know what that was all about, maybe it was a reference to a Clint Eastwood movie or something. I don’t care, because as soon as the World Series is over, all those faggoty words are going out the window and the bombs are gonna start flying.

And believe me, I can’t wait.

344

Secret Rules of al-Qaeda Exposed!

  1. You do not talk about al-Qaeda.

  2. You do not talk about al-Qaeda.

  3. You will not rehearse suicide bombings in camp.

  4. You will leave Mr. Bin Laden’s goats alone.

  5. No turban, no service.

  6. In bin Laden we trust.

345

Urgh.

346

Japan Exasperated at Afghanistan’s Incompetance

“Can’t those guys do anything right?” wondered Japanese historian Hirohito Yamamoto Thursday night to an assembled audience of nostalgic WW II veterans. “Ok, their initial plan was good - in fact, they did better on their first day than we did. But then they failed to follow up with a declaration of war and large-scale assaults on surrounding areas! And their battle plan was inaccurate as well: we waited years before starting the kamikaze attacks. These buffoons never even bothered trying to fly away. Why, I bet the Taliban can’t even be bothered to come up with an easily-broken code so that outnumbered American forces can turn the tide of war sometime next spring! I predict that the Greater Mid-Eastern Muslim Prosperity Sphere will fall much, much quicker than our own empire did.”

347

SPRINT PCS TO ANNOUNCE NEW “UNLIMITED NIGHTS WEEKENDS AND TERRORIST ATTACK” PLAN

348

I was pointed to this thread by Doc Nickel and boy was he right. nice board you have here. This post has let a lot of anxiety and stress out in a healthy form- off color tasteless humor :slight_smile: God Bless America.

No, a Bud Light
Advertisers embarassed after publicity stunt goes horribly wrong.

Nostradamus Interpretation Predicts The Past With Remarkable 52% accuracy
“Statistically significant”, one statistician was quoted as saying.

New Towers To Be 125 Stories Tall, Integrating Phalanx Cannons and SAM Battery
“Take your best shot”, brags contractor. Software rumored to be “twitchy”.

349

Y’know, I was trying to think of a way of getting a Einstürzende Neubauten joke in here, but I couldn’t think of a way. Damn you, now I look like the loser I really am…

350

I’m going to share a little Onion-esque editorial I wrote a week ago. It doesn’t quite reach ther level of quality, but I came up with it and wrote it on the spot, and was real tired at the time.

I Think We’re Ignoring the Real Problem

Sure we worry about terrorists, but all the while we’re ignoring the real problem that’s even more terrifying and pervasive. I’m talking, of course, of monsters.

If terrorists hadn’t done their part to deform the New York sky skyline, Godzilla would have. And if you think Usama bin Laden is hard to find, try scouring outer space for monsters. And while Rodan might be easier to find because he is far bigger than your average terrorist, but they are also much more likely to devour anyone trying to arrest them. And as we all know, tank guns and rockets have little effect, so subduing these enormous beasts is almost impossible.

I suppose most public officials are scared to acknowledge that monster-related building destructions have accounted for up to 43% of all destroyed buildings. I suppose it’s easier to blame terrorists because they’re easier to catch and bring to trial. But then we’re ignoring the real problem: giant superpowered indiscriminant bringers of death and destruction.

I should also note that when I say monsters I also include giant murderous robots. Although, as we all know, they’re more prone to garden variety crushing, killing, and destroying than to wholesale destruction of cities. But those giant robots that enter into the business of ravaging lanscapes are generally very proficient at it and, needless to say, dangerous.

So what is to be done? For too long when a monster has invaded our land we have been forced to hope for another monster to come and engage the first in a battle that leaves them both to exhausted to annihilate a metropolis. But certainly, a concerted and determined campaign to hunt down monsters and eliminate them would cost more than finding a few human-sized terrorists. But this is a time to take bold actions that others are afraid to make. This could require the construction of giant death rays, or the creation of our own giant robots to confront enemy monsters. Or perhaps an expansive array of Tesla coils will put the gargantuans in their place.

But it’s not my job to come up with solutions. I just consider it my duty to remind you all that the real threat to mankind isn’t the monsters that live in the hearts of evil men, but the monsters that rise from the depths of the ocean to kill and level buildings in order to satisfy their ravenous hunger for destruction.

351

ROTFLMGDMFAO

Thanks a lot. I really loved this shit.

bin Ladin "i’m sorry"
I just couldn’t watch Live with Regis any more.

NYC OPENS NEW AIRPORT
Sept. 11, 2004
Dan Rather finally sleeps
Three years after the WTC attacks Dan Rather sigs off. After a 30 minute nap he returns and vows never to leave the airwaves agian.

352

Taliban Introduces New Rule Requiring Women To Have Beards
Women: “What the hell?”

Bin Laden: Allah Was Behind These Attacks
Bush calls for delivery of God to U.S., “dead or alive”

Airplane Hijacks Terrorist; Officials Puzzled
Military, law enforcement have no decision on what action to take, citing “very little precedent for this kind of thing”

353

New Streisand/Disney Musical, Mentl, to be Released this Week
Disney Announced that Mentl, Starring Barbra Streisand as a Young Afghani Girl who Disguises herself as a Man to Study with the Taliban, will be Released this Week. Also Starring Mandy Patinkin Stars as Supreme Taliban leader, Mullah Mohammed Omar, and Gary Oldman as Osama bin Laden.

354

<parallel universe>

AMERICA LAUNCHES "OPERATION : FEEL THE LOVE"

President George W. Bush sent 100 warplanes to the vicinity of Japan in preparation for retaliation for the September 11 bombing of Disneyland.

“You’re either with us or against us,” Bush said in his address to the nation last night. “We will not tolerate these attacks at the heart of America.”

The President is demanding that Japan hand over leaders ofthe Aum Shinryo doomsday cult which is believed to be responsible for the attack, in which 7000 died.

“We would be willing to extradite the heads of the cult if Mr. Bush could present us with any evidence of their involvement,” said Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi. “But I have discussed this with parliament and we are not convinced the accused could receive a fair and impartial trial in the United States.”

“Negotiation is not acceptable,” Bush said. “We do not need proof. We will not tolerate governments who harbour killers of innocent people. We will get our terrorists if we have to kill every man, woman, and child in Tokyo. You guys want another Hiroshima? Well, do ya?!”

Aum Shinryo has not claimed responsibility for the attack, although an extremist cell in Germany and Afghanistan’s ruling Taliban have. One of the terrorists is known to have met with the President of China, but so far no connection to Aum Shinryo has been proven.

“We know the terrorists all had Japanese names,” Bush said. “Obviously, this cult is involved.”

Hollywood, Musicians, help at Ground Zero

Meanwhile, the stars have come to Disneyland to help with the relief effort.

“It’s, like, totally sad that Disneyland is gone,” said Christina Aiguillera said. “And that a bunch of people died. That’s really sad.”

Aiguillera has written the theme song for the retaliation, also entitled “Feel the Love,” which will play on CNN during reports of the bombing campaign.

“Kind of looks like my divorce,” joked Tom Cruise, while rescue workers pulled the body of a six-year-old boy from the rubble.

Christmas comes early for the FBI

The FBI received a wide range of new powers to help combat terrorism at home and abroad, including relaxed rules on wire taps and a widened definition of treason.

“This will make it much easier to keep on eye on everybody,” said FBI spokesman Christian DeWitt-Lenoir.

The new security procedures – dubbed “Operation Older Sibling” – will not only make terrorism impossible, but any other crime besides.

“We’ve already scored one major success,” DeWitt-Lenoir added. “We’ve arrested one guy who asked, one the telephone, if war was really necessary, and we brought charges against him of ‘holding a false doctrine.’”

If found guilty, the charges carry a maximum penalty of 25 years in prison, with no chance of parole.

Concerns over growing intolerance

In the wake of last week’s attack, a rash of bombings of Sushi restaurants has some worried.

“We must be tolerant,” Bush said. “We are all Americans, fighting the same cause. We are all united in the fight against these inscutable Japs.”

</parallel universe>

355

United Airlines Announces New, Unprecidented Service
Will “fly you right to your office,” says spokesman.

356

I just want to do a group “BRAVO!!!” and THANK YOU to everyone who has contributed to this thread. I really needed to laugh in between my bouts of crying, and at least 2 dozen of these have been just brillant. I’d like to pick a favorite, but every time I do, I realize it can’t be my favorite, because this other one is my favorite… Everybody has done a great job.

So I hope no one minds, but I’d like to repost, all at once, the ones that made me laugh out loud, or grin really widely, or at least made me think “Damn straight!”. I went through the thread very carefully, and I’m sure some were missed by some people, or perhaps this would make a good printout for your Luddite friends, which is something I have done. I’ve also made all the bolding and capitalization consistent. I’m in a really anal mood today.

In no particular order:

** America Target Of International Terrorism; “Join The Fucking Club!” Says Rest Of World. **

** France Calls Up 10,000 Reserves. Plans Capitulation Drills Over The Weekend **

** Special Bird Flipping This Evening **
All Americans are asked at 4:20 this evening to flip the bird in the general direction of Afganastan.

** Bin Laden Base Experiencing Unprecedented Heat Wave **
Forecasts call for temperatures approaching that of the surface of the sun

** Motivational Speaker Tony Robbins Offers Support At Ground Zero **
“We all need to develop strategies to program ourselves to empower our lives for daily action,” motivational speaker tells rescue workers. Is immediately beaten to death.

** Nashville Gearing Up For Massive WTC-Related Song Production**
Studios Packed; “High Rise” Rhymed With “Child’s Eyes” 50 Times

** Crotches Grabbed **
“We got yer World Freakin’ Trade Center RIGHT HERE,” proclaim 7 million New Yorkers.

** Jimmy Carter Vows To Help Rebuild World Trade Center **
Former President lauded for waiving “humanity” requirement for New Yorkers

** The Bitches Asked For It," say Chrysler Building, Pan Am Tower **
“Struttin’ around all high-profile, flashing they helipads like they all that, you know someone gonna take 'em out,” Say Famous Towers
Flatiron Building: “They’re Just Jealous”

** Clinton Condemns Timing of Attacks: Should Have Occurred Earlier **
“No fair!” says ex-president. “Bush just gets a legacy served to him on a fiery silver platter of death.”

** New WTC to be Giant, Armed Adamantium Robot **

** America’s Symbols of Military, Economic Power Attacked **
Symbols of Doughnut Consumption, String Collecting Miraculously Untouched

** Bush Declares Sep 11 “A Day That Will Live In Imfany”

Nations’s Tragedy Metaphor Reserves Depleted

Nuclear Weapons Not an Option, But Boy Would It Be Fun, Powell Tells Press

New Delta Ad Campaign Unveiled: “Our planes are never used as missiles!”

New York, Washington Attacked; France Surrenders To Germany

Value Jet Named #1 In Air Safety

Bin Laudin Blows Self Up In Rash Dispute Over Islamic Doctrine **
“I’m just not Muslim enough” claims Taliban strongman.

** Cia Intelligence Report: Afghanistan May Be Closer Than Ever To Developing Flintlock

Oliver Stone Formulates Single-Plane Theory

Thailand Pledges Support Of U.S. Military Effort **
Will donate 12 year old girls as hookers to servicemen

** Taliban To U.S.: Only We Are Allowed To Make The People Of Afghanistan Suffer

France Surrenders To Taliban, United States, NATO, Russia, Nepal, Carthage, Spice Girls

Nation Momentarily Pretends President Is Not An Idiot **
“Yeah, I’m behind him all the way. I, uh, think he’s doing a good job. I mean, he’s handling things alright. I guess,” say citizens

** United States Surrenders To Taliban!! **
Worlds premier superpower to adopt Muslim religion, rigid interpretation of koran. “You’ve gotta’ be Goddamn shitting me!?!” exclaims Bin Laudin upon notification of his victory.

** NBC Logo Designer “Pretty Happy” with Radar-Themed ‘Attack On America’ Graphic **
Took “about five minutes” to design; Crosshair theme also considered

** NYC Sets World Record for Most Simultaneous Utterances of, “Holy Shit!”

U.S. Blames Rebel Alliance, Plans Invasion Of Hoth **
Navy Pilots Training Against Womp Rats; General Veers Preparing His Men; France Surrenders To Tatooine

** Commemorative Plate People Just About Spooging In Their Pants **

** Point/Counterpoint
The Americans Will Never Find Me **
by Osama bin Laden, Leader, Al Queda
vs
** Actually, I Can See You Right Now, Sucker **
by Lt. Josh Carroll, F-15 pilot

** Onion Infographic: Who Do We Think Will Kill Osama bin Laden?
22% USAF Bombers
16% US Rangers
11% Dirty Harry Callahan
5% Navy SEALS
16% Ahnold
9% The creepy guy in 14C who just stares out his window all day
4% French troops - nah, just joshing
17% One very, very pissed off New Yorker

U.S. Forces Bomb Afghanistan Into Ultra-Hyper Laser Beam Age **
“Shit, we got it backwards,” says Rumsfeld

** Race On To Construct World’s Shortest Building **
Ireland claims Dublin’s 4-foot high O’Reilly Centre “couldn’t be hit by a cropduster”

** Frank Sinatra Rises From the Dead To See The Rubble **
“What son of a bitch did this to MY town?” The Chairman of the Board was heard to mutter between clenched teeth.

** Thurmond Shares Remembrances **
Eldest senator reminded of sack of Rome by Vandals

** Paraguay Declares War On Afghanistan**
Plans to have over 175 troops, 2 tanks ready by 2018; “Gee, thanks,” says Powell

** House Votes, 435-0, To Officially Be Pretty God Damned Pissed Off About This Shit

Nation Struggles to Find Mathematical Proof That Osama Bin Laden = 666

War-Huh! What Is It Good For? **
“Absolutely nothing,” Rumsfeld responds.

** Trix Rabbit “Prime Suspect” FBI Confirms **
Militant hare sought redress over breakfast cereal sanctions, bureau says.

** Chronically Late Office Workers Not Injured In Attack, Study Shows **
“Early bird catches the worm, my ass,” respondent notes.

** CIA Learns Meaning Of Word “Irony.” **
“Goddamn, you mean we trained this fucker?” says Director Tenet

** Taliban: Bin Laden Can’t Take Hint **
“I tried telling him it’s late and we had to get up early for work in the morning, but he just won’t leave,” said Taliban leader Mullah Mohammed Omar.

** Report: National Profanity Levels Up 14,000% Over Last Month **
Experts attribute rise to “those fucking terrorist shitbags”

**
Point-Counterpoint
The WTC Attack: I Did It For Allah **
by Osama bin Laden
** You Just Don’t Get It, Do You? **
by Allah

** Osama Bin Laden Claims Attacks Were Unintentional - Blames Crummy U.S. Flight School **

** France Surrenders To Salvation Army **
French military overwhelmed by bells, kettles, piles of outdated clothes.

** Point-Counterpoint
Kill 'Em All and Let God Sort 'Em Out **
by William P. Farright
vs
** Are You Nuts? I’m Still Working on My Sock Drawer! **
by God

** Air Rage Incidents Up 218% In September **

** Bush Rules Out Surgical Strikes **
“Now is not the time for medical unionization,” declares Prez

** America Stands Behind Bush Agenda In Wake Of Leadership **
Congress approves oil drilling and strip mining of Old Faithful, Grand Canyon, Washington Mall. Gun control advocates to be rounded up and shot, abortion clinics burnt to the ground. “Now is the time to stand behind our President,” leaders say

** Bush Declares War on Afghanistan, Pakistan, Uzbekistan, Tajikistan and Stan Musial **
“Who can keep them straight?” Asks Prez

** Socialites Kept From Lavish Waterfront Condos For Eighth Straight Day **
Unruly, impeccably-dressed crowd gathers outside Balducci’s

** United Airlines Announces New, Unprecidented Service **
Will “fly you right to your office,” says spokesman.

** Afghans Fighting Over Remote **
Population Divided Between CNN, BBC, MSNBC On Single TV

** God Denies Involvement In Plane Crashes **
“I’m not really anyone’s co-pilot,” Deity explains, “It’s just a metaphor.”

** Bush Creates Department Of Unfortunate Naming **
“Infinite Justice”, “Department of Homeland Security” Early Successes"

357

Bah ha ha ha ha…See you in hell friedo!

358

**BIN LADEN AGREES TO QUESTIONING BY FBI
First question will be “Did you kill Chandra Levy”

BUSH LEARNS THAT ‘TERROR’ ENDS WITH AN ‘R’**
Washington D.C.- Shock and confusion were the dominant emotions as President George W. Bush learned that the last letter in the word ‘terror’ is ‘R’.

“Wow”, Bush remarked. “I mean it already has those two 'R’s in the middle. I never would have guessed that it needed another one at the end.”

Despite the confusion, the news came as welcome relief to millions of Americans. “I’m just glad that he learned the correct spelling”, one local resident remarked. "Every time that he said ‘terra will not win’, I wondered why he was bothering to predict the outcome of Gone with the Wind.

359

**Second Question, sent in by *Concerned Viewers * to Ask Bin Laden **
“What ever happened to the other half of WHAM! ?”

**Bin Laden Confesses **
" I did it to get Jodie Foster’s attention."

**NY’s Burn The Taliban Flag **
“See how you like it, towel heads.”

360

CHANDRA LEVY RETURNS IN WAKE OF WTC DISASTER
“Thought it was a good time to surface again”, intern states