also, to the OP … be aware that often women from other not-so-individualistic-and-more-traditional cultures are seen (and see themselves) as somebody who needs to be desirable to the other partner.
You with your “no sex policy” might completely pull out the rug under your wife’s culturally baked it self-esteem. Even if she knows on a cognitive level that it is not so (big IF) … on an emotional level she still might perceive herself as undesired by her husband (and lets face it: 90% of westener’s woman would feel the same).
Also, I assume (a friend was in a similar situation some 15 years ago, with a Thai wife) … she is whatsapping/texting/facetiming a whole to to VT where her friends/family still feed her their trad. value system (b/c thats all they know) … and that causes an even bigger rift and cognitive disonances.
While I agree with much that was said above, I’d make a last ditch effort …
- get upclose and personal with here, make her feel desired and wanted as a woman, while still controlling BC
- you need to get her out of the house (socially speaking) … make here volunteer/community college study/whatnot to expose here more to the US/western individualistic culture and create her own social networks, friendships and instances for contact. At this stage you wife might be a plant in dire need of a few drops of (social) water.
trigger/huge generalisation warning!
Women from traditional cultures (that differ a lot from yours) might be raised to play a more passive role in a relationship/family (esp. the “exterior” part of it) where being a mother is a life-goal or at least a “given” - and you might need to (gently) push her into taking more initiative for her life (beyond that), helping her to find a job/activity/reason to get out of bed in the morning - something to get here enthusiastic about.
Also:
She might not want a job b/c she is afraid of not being able to do it right … so excuses are being made - bear that in mind. So she might need some ushering in into volunteering, etc… where the levels of scrutinity are lower and she has a safer learning experience/environment to build self-esteem and also learn different cultural codes and DOs and DONTs.
But your main problem is: you have brought yourself in a position where (from the wife’s perspective) you have a bird in a (not golden) cage … and that must change - or its over.
An outsider’s take, who might be off, but my gut tells me a lot of what i mention does play into your problems.