Every week, an Asian fellow walks into a currency exchange with some money from his native country to cash into American dollars. And every week, he hands it over to the guy and receives $70.
Then, one week, he comes in there and gives the guy his money and only receives $65. He finds this perplexing and says, “Excuse me - I normally receive $70 for this money and this week, I only received $65. Why the difference?”
The man replies, “Oh … fluctuations.”
The Asian fellow looks really angry and storms to the door. As he is leaving he yells, “Oh yeah! Well, fluck you Americans, too!”
Mr. Frog has decided to retire after many years of work and finds a beautiful country property complete with stream and many trees. It’s a bit more than he has saved, thus he needs a small loan.
He visits the bank and completes all of the paperwork, which is reviewed by the Loan Officer, Mr. Padiwhac. Concerned about the property value, he asks Mr. Frog if there is anything he could offer as collateral.
Mr. Frog produces a small ceramic elephant, encrusted with various jewels, and explains that it is supposedly of great value, and has been handed down through several generations in his family. Dubious of the offering, the Loan Officer defers final decision to the bank President, and steps away to speak with him. After explaining everything in detail, the President says,
It’s a knick-knack, Padiwhac, give the frog a loan.
Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass, totally distraught.
Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared. “You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,” said the genie. “As a reward I shall grant you one wish.” “Well,” said the Prince, " I have all the things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walked over to the splattered remains of the dog. “Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?” The Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. “This body is too far gone for even ME to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?”
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. “I married a beautiful woman called Diana,” said the Prince, showing the genie the first photo. “But I love this woman called Camilla,” and he showed the genie the second picture. “You see, Camilla is not beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?”
The genie studied the photographs and after a few minutes said, “Let’s have a look at that dog again.”
One day an elephant gets a big thorn stuck in his foot. It hurts so bad, all he can think about is getting the thorn out. So, he sees this ant walking along and says, “Hey ant, can you get this thorn out of my foot.” The ant says, “Sure, but only if you let me get behind and get some afterwards.” The elephant agrees and so the ant removes the thorn and then crawls up behind the elephant and starts getting down to business. Then a monkey sitting in a tree above accidentally knocks down a coconut and it hits the elephant on the head. The elephant groans, and the ant says, “That’s right…take it all!”
Mohandas Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an
impressive set of calluses on his feet. He ate very little, which
made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he also suffered from
bad breath.
This made him a super-callused fragile mystic vexed by
halitosis.
There’s a knock at the door, and when Ray answers it, he looks down and sees a snail looking up at him. Alarmed, he immediately picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A year later there’s another knock on the door, and there’s the snail. The snail looks up at him and says, “What the h*ll was that all about?”
