Oh, we can hear you fine. The truth is that since you are now covered with wheat germ, we don’t want you anymore!
Work in a plastic hanger factory.
Take LSD.
Use a regular bathroom stall.
Live with a roommate.
Drink and drive.
Stay in the Bellagio Penthouse suite in Las Vegas.
Drive a manual transmission car.
Play soccer.
Go trick or treating in the rain.
Date a doctor.
Get involved with a woman who is going through a divorce (or is newly divorced).
Test how hot caramel melted in the microwave is by using my upper lip.
'Nuff said.
Be young (or younger)
Take a cruise
Visit a country that I can’t drive to.
Take the white house tour.
Drive what is considered a sports car.
Drink Jack Daniels or Southern Comfort.
Go clubbing & then head to an after hours club.
Get up early to watch Saturday Morning Cartoons.
Ride a bicycle everywhere I want to go for a solid week.
Sit in detention.
Take a pop-quiz.
Go to a school dance.
Hug my parents.
Attend a full-family holiday dinner.
Ride in the back of a Country Squire station wagon.
Free-hand rock climb in the rain
Saran-wrap a toilet bowl
See my cousins
Sleep in a trailer
Ride in bumper-cars
Fish for Blues, Weaks, or Mackerel
Step inside what was my parent’s home.
See any of the kids who used to live “down the street” where I grew up.
Go sledding
Camp on an over-night with the Scouts.
Fix a car with duct-tape and a swiss army knife
Brew a batch of beer.
Wear a denim jacket.
Visit Hawaii or even the West Coast.
Ride on a Polar Express/Santa train ride with my kids.
Walk across any of the NY bridges.
Sleep in a dorm.
Work in a skyscraper.
Take careers advice from anyone other than myself.
Sit any sort of written exam - done enough, life’s too short.
Accept a noisy or sleep-impossible hotel room.
In a social setting, start presenting the ‘sceptical’ point of view on a subject.
Try to debate with religious people. It’s not a fair fight because I’m constrained by the feeling I need to make sense.
Buy cheap or ‘economy’ shoes. A false economy. Always.
Visit the Postojna Caves, Slovenia, in the middle of winter. Never been so cold in my life. Genuinely wondered if I would survive.
Be scared of spiders.
Have anything to do with cigarettes or tobacco. Giving up was the hardest fight of my life. Not going back.
Undertake freelance work not covered by a signed, legally binding contract. “Don’t worry, we’ll sort that out later” is not a good basis for a working relationship.
Sit through ‘Don Giovanni’.
Stay at the Arosfa hotel, Weston-super-Mare. In my personal opinion, the worst hotel or guest house to be found in the UK run by people who, quite literally, could not care less about any aspect of your stay.
Try to sustain a long distance relationship. Not saying it can’t be done. Not saying I wasn’t good at it. Just saying I won’t do it again.
Trust an estate agent. About anything.
Try to make my own bread.
When figuring out how long a flight will last, fail to take time zones into account.
Agree with the above completely. The only one your list I don’t agree with is “Try to make my own bread.” That one took me a long time to get close to right, but now that I did, I find it emotionally therapeutic and rewarding.
I’ve hiked it down to Promontory Point and back, and I have flown the aircraft tour. I will never do either again. I’m too old and arthritic for the hike, and I have never been so airsick in my entire life as I was on that sightseeing flight.
Wax my balls.
Get married - I already have strike two
Skydive - My back is barely hanging in there as it is
Go to Cedar Point - Everything about it sucked
Downhill skiing. Tried it. Several times. Supposedly was doing OK at it but could NOT hack getting any faster than about 2 inches per minute, would get out of control and have trouble stopping.
It was a HUGE amount of work (getting to the slopes, getting the equipment, getting suited up, etc,) for a few brief minutes of minor enjoyment, then huge hassle to get everything put away.
I have given it a fair shake, and just don’t enjoy it.
Waterskiiing on the other hand, I’d love to try again. Been over 25 years, just no opportunities.
Climbing (well, rappelling) down the outside of a fire tower. One of those “discover yourself” teambuilding days. All the other women had a blast and went back for a second go-round. I decided that yep, I did it, don’t need to prove anything.
Two specific projects involving oddball work. One was back in the days of the bank failures of the early 90s - only time I’ve ever billed 24 hours in a single day. The other was working on a team rather haphazardly led by a very senior person (who was justifiably famous in her field, but just a bit batshit). Imagine writing, and completely rewriting, a client document every 24 hours, for 2 weeks.
In both of these cases, I told the HR people “do that to me again and I will quit”.
Ride a bike. Now, that one I miss. But every attempt for the past 20+ years has my knees clicking and ratcheting and bumping and just feeling wrong inside, and then they hurt for the next month :(. (numerous attempts to help with physical therapy have given me great calf muscles and unrelenting pain).
Own (be owned by) a cat. Very sad about that one. But I like breathing.
Have children: I always thought I’d be sad when those days were over. I’m completely over that now!
I will never have another Doritos Locos Taco. (Tried one the other day; wasn’t impressed).
I will never have another girlfriend from South Carolina. (Visiting her, the slurs came fast and furious down there. And I’m white. Not that anyone can control who they fall in love with).
There are additional milestones related to that particular girlfriend that I’ll keep private. (Not so much doing them but in the way that they happened).
I will never tack-weld again without a mask.
For those not in the know: tack-welding is when you weld one part to another with a tiny, tiny weld, just a quick blast of electrical current. This is enough to lightly secure the parts in their proper position so you can free up both of your hands before you come back to lay in a proper load-bearing weld. Since the tack-weld is just a very quick thing, the traditional shade-tree technique involves getting everything in position, and then simply closing your eyes briefly (instead of lowering your mask, which requires the hand that’s already being used to steady the parts) while you do the tack weld. Tiny bit of UV light exposure to your face, no big deal.
Several years ago I was making a small production run of parts, and I did 180 tack-welds in a row, no mask. The result was a hideous sunburn on my lower face and chin due to the sum-total of UV light from all those tiny, brief tack-welds.
The next day I went to the welding store and bought an auto-dark helmet. Now I have absolutely no excuse not to have my mask down whenever I weld, even for tack-welds.
Get drunk.
Not sure I even could. As I get older, I find that (on the rare occasion) that I approach 5-6 drinks/beers, I simply become tired. Too tired to drink more.
Probably a good thing.
mmm
Two words : Jose Cuervo.
Oh, and on Twitter?
I will never, ever again wish…
… Steve Martin …
A Very Merry Christmas…!
…that man gets just plain mean. 
Allow IcyHot to come into contact with my balls, accidentally or otherwise.
:smack:
Travel for fun
Use a darkroom (anybody want some gear?)
Go a day without having to take meds
remind me again how aging is actually better than the alternative?
Live in Houston, Tx.
Smoke cigs.
Get stinking drunk.
Stay in a sex-less relationship.
Have an affair.
Get married.
Give birth.
Own a Volvo - I wish it would just DIE already…so I can get something else. I can’t justify it till then.
Gain too much weight.
Stop drawing for more than a week.
Go to church (have not been in 40 years).
Downhill skiing. Not my thing.
Oh, I can probably think of more…but who really cares.
Eat Ethiopian food.
Just got back from Addis Ababa yesterday.