You obviously need my guidance. An old roomie of mine told me he wanted to start a prank war. I told him to go first. He refused to. Well, I couldn’t just leave it alone, could I?
I put an ad out for him in the free newspaper in Buffalo, New York (where we were going to school).
“I am 6 feet 1 inch, 230 pounds of creamy nubian desire*. I love to give, and my hands are silky smooth. I also like to receive if you’re a giving type. Apply if you think you’re man enough to handle what I’ve got to offer, baby. My phone number is (insert real cell phone number here)”
*real stats, mind you.
A few days pass and no response. Then…the dam broke. We (the 4 roommates) were sitting down, watching tv. Derek’s phone rings. “Hello? Um…no. I think you…have…the wrong number?” At this point, the rest of us were rolling on the ground laughing because we knew about it and were waiting for him to blow up each time his phone rang. “You want me to do what? No, it’s a mistake.”
He hangs up and looks at me and starts yelling. I keep laughing. He gave up after the first deadly blow.
He was also a male cheerleader. He was “in the closet” about it, though; his dad didn’t know, and would frown upon it.
One time, he was home watching “Bring It On” late at night. His dad walks into the room and my roommate flips the channel. Of course the next channel was CNN and his dad saw it. His dad say “Son, were you watching porn?” Derek had to say yes, because he was that afraid of what his dad would say.
(end quick story)
He wouldn’t even tell us when he was going to perform for basketball games. So, the next step was to take a picture of him, doing his thing and mail it to his dad.
The next phase was to have him declared legally dead and have the newspaper clipping mailed to his parents. He should be glad I didn’t have to get that far.
Do your victims have those old style computer chairs at their desks? The ones where you keep unscrewing them and the seat part comes off? If they do, sneak in, unscrew them, put raw shrimp in the stand, and screw the seat back on. They’ll NEVER find out where the smell is coming from.
Also, if they have a showerhead that’s condusive to this, get clear, flavorless rock candy and unscrew their showerhead and put the rock candy in there. When the shower gets warmer, the rock candy melts, covering them with sugar water. They go out in summer and dirt and paper sticks to them and bugs follow them. They think it’s something that’s on them, and they take another shower, which repeats the process.
You are so very welcome. Want my consultant’s fee now or later?