If that’s really how you feel, and you’ve never had an affair yourself, you are in the extreme minority based on my experience, which is fairly extensive.
Most people I’ve encountered would rather be embarrassed than have AIDS.
Most would rather someone interfere in their marriage to warn them about an affair, rather than having a complete stranger interfere in their marriage to have sex with their spouse.
Everyone is different, I suppose.
Wow…you’re a genius…you gleaned that bit of knowledge from this one thread?
Well, all I know of you is this thread. Based on it, I’m forced to assume that you’re closed-minded, defensive, childish, petulant, and not so good at clever insults.
This is really bothersome. One person cheating isn’t a get out of jail card for the other person, it doesn’t make emotional or physical abuse irrelevant, it doesn’t make spiteful or inconsiderate behavior irrelevant, it doesn’t make fiscal irresponsibility irrelevant.
No one is saying cheating is ok. But you seem to think it’s the worse thing that ever could have happened, but it’s simply one of many ways we can destroy each other. I’d rather my husband cheat on me than ever put me in the hospital in a rage, or put me half a million in debt to feed a drug habit, or murder someone. All these things happen every day.
Those awful things do happen everyday, but not nearly as frequently as infidelity. In the book “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass, she states that two-thirds of all marriages are touched by infidelity. That’s an epidemic IMO.
Cheating is emotional abuse, and it is often physical abuse. Don’t think so? Remember that if your spouse ever gives you Hep C.
Sure they are less common, but that’s no comfort for people experiencing them. Your position is that cheating is the worst thing a person can do to another. Do you really think that if a man hits his wife on a regular basis, regularly humiliates her both in public and in private, uses her earnings to support his bad habits and keep her impoverished so that she can’t leave, and then that woman has an affair, that the man is the one most ill used? That he has the moral high ground? That’s an extreme situation, but you’ve taken an extreme position (it’s the worst thing possible), and I am not sure you’ve really thought it through.
Uh, no. I never said it was “the worst thing possible”. I did say this:
“Cheating on your spouse is one of the most awful things one person can do to another, and it should be outed whenever the opportunity presents itself.”
Of course there are worse things one person can do to another. That’s why I use words like “one” and “of”.
I didn’t mean to state that cheating gives the other spouse carte blanche to do whatever they want…I just meant that any cheater who says, “I cheated because you _______” is full of crap.
The cheating is never the fault of the cheated on.
It may never be right, but there are times when it is understandable, and where, from an observer’s point of view, the proper response is not self-rightousness, but “there but for the grace of god go I”. I’ve never been tempted to cheat, but I’ve been blessed with a great marriage, a spouse that loves and respects and cherishes me. But I’ve known people trapped in horrible situations–mentally ill spouses that are emotionally abusive but that can’t be left because they are incapable of taking care of themselves, for example. Or people that simply didn’t realize how bad their life was, how abnormally unhappy they were, until they met someone that pointed it out to them. I’ve known people so pathetically afraid of being alone they couldn’t leave a terrible relationship until they had the next one lined up. I am not saying that any of these situations are right, or that they make it ok to cheat, but when I see these people and hear their stories, I’m just glad I never had to be them. They’ve been dealt a crappy hand and it’s not my place to judge.
I don’t think there’s any point int trying to discuss this further with you. You’re so wrapped up in your own pain that anybody who disagrees with you isn’t just wrong…they’re evil. Maybe you’d be happier discussing this at one of those infidelity boards you keep mentioning. Your explanations for why infidelity occurs won’t be any closer to correct, but you’ll find more people there who agree with you.
Good luck to your wife and to you.
I can’t agree. Have you ever considered the mindset of the person who is cheating? There are some relationships which will not work, and a partner who is not interested in change to make it work. There are many unhappy couples around.
You have *extensive * experience? This has happened to you repeatedly?
Or are you referring to your experience on infidelity message boards? Because if that’s the case, all you’ve been doing is yelling into an echo chamber. It stands to reason that everyone on an infidelity message board is there because they’re a bit hung up on the idea. Plenty of people here have experienced infidelity, but we’ve moved on and gained some perspective. Clearly not everyone feels the same way, as evidenced by the variety of opinions here.
I apologize for that remark if you took it personally. It genuinely wasn’t intended as a slam, but upon re-reading, I understand that it seemed that way. Really though, it’s just how I think. Since I’m the only person whose behavior I can change, when I’m faced with an unhappy situation, it’s my nature to figure out what I did to get myself there, and how I can not do it again. After all, I could spend my time railing against my lousy spouse, blaming all my problems on him, and generally bemoaning how very wronged I’ve been, but that doesn’t improve my quality of life at all. Since I’m a pretty happy person as a rule, and I belive this philosophy is a large part of the reason for that, I like to spread the wealth.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Good luck to you.