Problems with my sister/roommate

The BBQ Pit
1

I am having a few problems with my sister and to be honest, I don’t know what to do. Last summer my boyfriend and I were hoping to move. My sister Katey mentioned that she was moving out of her 2 bedroom house that she rented so we jumped at the chance. I phoned the Landlord and he said we could have the house. We were overjoyed, the house is nice and it meant that for the first time we would get to live together without other people around. Then, Katey phoned me and announced that she wasn’t moving out and that she’d sorted it out with the landlord for the 3 of us to live there. I was annoyed and upset but I figured that it would save us money on rent & bills so I let it go.

Katey is hardly the tidiest person, and when we moved in the house was quite messy. Now, I am a bit psychotic when it comes to mess-I hate it with a passion. I like my house to be tidy and clean. I took on the tidying and for the first few months everything was fine.

Then Katey got a new boyfriend and he started staying over. I ended up tidying up after them (Picking his dirty underpants off the bathroom floor, that kind of thing) They split up after a few months but not before Katey had left a load of Richards and my DVD’s at his house. Among them was a film I bought for Richard for valentines day, so as you can imagine I was pretty angry. When I spoke to Katey about the fact that she never even asked if she could borrow them she shouted me down and I gave up asking.

Now she has a new boyfriend. He is a really nice guy. He has started staying over and after an argument with his roommate’s he has almost moved in. Katey even said to him that he could move in in September when his lease runs out, right in front of me without even asking Richard or me. The house is a very small house so you can hear everything whatever room you are in, and they are noisy. They stay up until 3am making noise when I need to get up in the morning. When I was felt ill yesterday and took a nap they sat in Katey’s room with the door open and woke me up.

And as for the mess…

Katey has washed the dishes about 3 times since I moved in last year. Between her and her boyfriend they use nearly all the dishes in one day then leave them for me to wash. They also smoke and as a result the kitchen lino is covered in tobacco. I swept the floor at least 7 times yesterday as I was sick of having tobacco stuck to my socks.

They have also taken to kissing whenever I am in a room with them. I stood washing the dishes whilst they stood and slurped each others faces just behind me.

Richard is away on a trip so I am left to enjoy their antics alone, I am nearly at the end of my tether.

When I talk to her she screams at me and I don’t want to talk to her in front of her boyfriend but I don’t feel like she’s leaving me a choice.

I can’t afford to move out and I’m sick of feeling like this in my own home.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

2

Go fuggin’ ballistic.

It’s a battle of wills. You need to beat hers. She knows how the game is played

and she’s winning.

Ignore the fact that she’s your sister - that means nothing to her, why should it stay your hand?

3

Save up, and move out. That will be the best way for you to find domestic harmony again. And definitely track down the ex-boyfriend and see if you can get back your stuff from him. Do you have the reciepts for the purchases? I might go so far as to either sue her in small claims court, or him, since she took them out of the house without permission, and “lost” them. (Note: I only said “might” sue. If the cost of the movies isn’t worth that much trouble to you, let it go. Just never ever loan her anything that you can’t “soak” again.)

4

Im love my sister dearly and would take a bullet for her, but she and I agree that if we ever moved in together, it would turn into Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? within a week.

5

I agree with JohnT. You seem to back down way too easily. Grow a pair and stick to your guns. Don’t back down unless you actually feel that she has a point or she understand where you’re coming from.

6

Eve, which one would you be? :wink:

7

I second the suggestion to move out, if at all possible.

But while you’re still there, stop cleaning up after them and see how long it takes for her and her boyfriend du jour to get sick of their own filth. Wash ONLY your own dishes, pick up ONLY your own clothes. I know you said you hate living in a mess, but at least it will send a clear message that you’re not her slave anymore. She’s lazy because she knows you’ll clean up after her. Stop doing it.

On the other hand, was she like this when you were living together as children? And did you do the same thing and pick up after her? If so, that might be a tough dynamic to break through. But my suggestion is to try it and see if anything happens. There will be a “stand off” for a while, but don’t cave in! See how long it takes for her to understand that you’re playing your own game now.

8

Honestly, it doesn’t sound so bad. I think the underlying problem is that you are sick of living with other people and everything they do is going to annoy you.

But you’ve got to buck up. You’ve got a safe and affordable living situation, and a smidegeon of your own private space. This is a lot better than a lot of people have it. It beats sharing a room with two unrelated roomates, or crowding in to a shared studio, or renting a porch (I actually know someone here that rented someone’s porch- for $400 a month!) When you are young and broke, you’re going to have to put up with a little noise and a little mess. You can either fight that and be miserable forever, or put on some headphones and lock the door and thank God you have your own room.

You don’t have much ground about your sister and her boyfriend. If your boyfriend lived in a different place, he’d probably be spending the night all the time, too. Anyway, she is probably just as annoyed by you two as you by them. Kissing her boyfriend and staying up late (is your sister supposed to synchronize her schedule to yours?) arn’t that huge of offenses.

You could try telling the boyfriend “Hey, when you stay over do you mind trying to keep the bathroom floor clear.” He’s past the point of being a guest now, but it probably never really dawned on him that there are other people living in the house. Guests can be oblivious like that sometimes.

The mess problem won’t be solved unless you can come to some sort of concrete and detailed agreement. You need a list of chores complete with definintions of what is “clean” and deadlines(dishes must be done within one hour of dirtying- “done” means washed, put in the rack and the previous batch of dishes put away, for example) that you can point at when they arn’t done. Otherwise she will always feel hounded and you will always feel put upon.

As for practical solutions, you could try chucking or hiding the extra dishes. Have a place setting for each person and that’s it. You can’t make dirty dishes that arn’t there.

9

I tried this once with a messy roommate – about Day 10 I wound up finding maggots in the dirty dishes. I moved.
Anyway, that kind of behavior is passive aggressive. Y’all need to sit down and establish the house rules. You may have to lower your standards a bit, but it’s reasonable to expect her to clean up after herself and her guests (especially dirty dishes and clothes) and to do a fair share of normal housework. If she isn’t willing to do this, your only option is to leave.
Some people are just not possible to live with, and it’s a shame to ruin your relationship with them over it.

10

Your sister’s behavior sounds so utterly ridiculous that - if you’re describing the situation even close to accurately - you really need to get out of there. Not cleaning, moving in boyfriends, and giving away your movies? No. Ridiculous - and even sven must be even more mentally ill than we all thought to be defending this kind of thing.

It doesn’t matter if you can’t afford to move out - save your money and do it anyway. The tiniest, ickiest apartment would be a step up and your own mental health is something with real value that you shouldn’t neglect. Move out before you end up hating your sister permanently, and before you end up with some disease from the squalor.

11

She probably won’t get sick of it. Some people are just like that, and don’t even see the dirt and grime around them.

My sister is like that and I can’t even stand to visit her - a wall of putrid stench hits me in the face as soon as she opens the front door.

12

The first mistake you made was when your sister said she was moving out of the house, then changed her mind and told you she was staying with you, and you let her. The thing to do at that point would have been tell her she stays or you move in, but not both. You set the tone right there - she does as she pleases, and you let her. The situation you allowed to develop is confusing - are you living in her house, or is she living in yours?

You need to be a lot more assertive with her - if you were describing a relationship with a man, I would call it abusive, the way she treats you. Her behaviour is not acceptable, but you are telling her it is by accepting it. I think it’s time for a long overdue talk with your sister - she straightens up and obeys some basic house rules, or you and your boyfriend move out and leave her in that house. From a mental health perspective, you can’t afford to keep on living like this. You sound like Cinderella, for heaven’s sake.

13

She’s my sister! SLAP My roommate! SLAP My sister! SLAP My roommate!

14

I suspect she’s trying to drive you out of the house. It might be worth seeing if you can have a calm conversaton with her, no matter how much yelling she does: try not to be incriminating, but try to find out if she’s wanting you to move out.

If she is, then you really don’t have any non-ugly choice except to do so. The whole “kissing whenever you come into the room” sounds like she’s deliberately getting up your butt; and if you want to salvage the relationship, sadly, you’re gonna have to be the mature one.

Sucky situation. I love my brother, too, but our attempt at living together didn’t work, eiterh.
Daniel

15

This is probably too sick to even imagine, but if she’s that much of a dirty of a pig house-wise, who knows? Just tell me that she doesn’t seem to enjoy kissing him more when she’s in the room with you. (ick!..Ick!..Ick!)

Messiness? Save up & move out. Exhibitionism or repeated attempts to invite you to an incestuous 3-way? Run to a shelter & send friends back to pack up your stuff…

16

Talk to your BF and decide for certain that you are willing to move out. Tell your sister that you and he plan to move out because of her behavior. List exactly what it is you have a problem with, from the 3am loudness to the tobacco on the floor, to the lack of dish duty.

You have made up your mind. Now… if she changes the way she lives, and provides you with a stable and pleasant home environment, you can always change your decision. Arguing with her about it is a complete waste of your time. In a battle of wills, your decision to move out will trump anything she’s got to offer.

17

Your mistake was leaving the stuff where it lay. After I started tossing all my roommate’s (ex, of course) clothes and crap and dirty dishes into her room, SHE moved.

Yeah, it was passive-aggressive, but straight-up aggressive didn’t work any better than asking, pleading, and deal-making.

18

Holy crap, I wish I’d thought of that when I had room-mate issues. I’ll bet it would have worked on mine.

19

Just a thought, huk24, but how about getting your boyfriend to weigh in?