Geez, you know, speaking of weird encounters with super religious proselytizers, I actually have a pointless anecdote I’d like to share if no one minds? Well, since I didn’t listen to any objections, here it is:
I ran into someone last weekend who seemed to me to be fairly clearly schizophrenic. He also happened to be very religious, but it was a case of correlation, not causation.
For some reason I foolishly decided that it might be interesting to kind of debate this kid and play devil’s advocate w his assertions. I don’t know much about the bible, but I still seemed to know more than this kid.
Anyways, I was talking to my buddy and not only was the crazy kid not even pretending to listen, at one point he openly started interrupting me and preventing me from finishing ( I had been telling my friend about Xeno’s paradox of Achilles and the Tortoise, how I love to teach it to my students every year, but this year one of the more obnoxious and ignorant freshmen wouldn’t let me finish bc he kept interrupting).
So, ironically, this kid interrupts me to start being really smug and condescending and saying stuff along the lines of “you fancy college kids are so arrogant. You think you know it all bc you’ve read a bunch of old, useless books no one gives a shit about. But you’re really so dumb bc you don’t have the first idea of how life REALLY works, like I do.” (an attitude I’ve encountered more than once before from kids who didn’t graduate high school or college, and not referencing naïveté, just being resentful.)
He then went on to explain that ALL knowledge is in the bible, and it is insulting, blasphemous, evil, stupid and wrong to try to get info anywhere else, bc it’s ALL in the bible.
So I countered with “look, I’m not doubting you that all knowledge is in the bible. But what if, say, the calculations for pi, although in the bible, were just hidden by the g man so well that no mere mortal could decipher pi using only the bible, so they used other means to flesh out His truth? Would that be ok?”
He just reiterated that it’s all in the bible and people are stupid and evil for looking elsewhere. Then he said that I was really smart and that he liked talking to me. Then he got wildly excited explaining to me that red and green are evil colors. The end.
This is your key. Complain to the city people managing this market that people like this are selling here, without having paid the appropriate fees. They will come after them.
As far as I can tell, “feeling spiritual” is something that last happened to me shortly before I started getting laid. Dealing with a real life hasn’t left me much time for that kind of self-indulgent pining.
Holy cats, monstro, your vases are beautiful!
My standard reply:
Me: Do you follow the Bible?
Them: Yes we do.
Me: My name’s Annie, what’s yours?
I then offer my hand. When they shake it, I remark “How did you know I’m not on my period? The Bible says not to have any contact with a woman on her period. Or with anything that she has touched.”
When they reply "Oh, we don’t follow that part of the Bible, I tell them I don’t believe in pick-and-choose Christians.
I like this frequently seen aphorism: Religion is like a penis. It is fine to have one. It is fine to be proud of it, but don’t whip it out in public and try to cram it down my throat.
Works with mormons every single time:
You: What is your 11th Article of Faith?
Mormon Missionary: “We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.”
You: Great, how about you go on about your business of allowing me that privilege and I’ll do the same for you? K? K. Thanks. Buh-bye now.
I’m kinda the same way, except I point them at the verses in Matthew where JC basically says STFU and go pray in private.
This is abso-fucking-lutely perfect. You are my new hero!
Joins the “OMG, Monstro, you make beautiful stuff” pile on. I loved where you left pots on porches. I leave books in waiting rooms.
That was a great rant!
My stock answer is something like, thanks, but I’m happy with my relationship with God. Or Goddess, it doesn’t matter. They usually just go away.
I haven’t been proselytized at since I lived in Utah, but if I’m ever accosted by missionaries who won’t take the hint, I’ll refer them to my favorite bible passage, 1 Timothy 2:11-12
I invite them in while unbuttoning my shirt.
Those are nice. You are using the liquid lead and liquid plastic stain? Or at least that is what it looks like you are doing. [I have experience with the 70s version of the stuff, I made a series of windchimes based on cut clear glass bottles using the stuff.]
My uncle, may he rot in his grave, made actual stained glass for lampshades and window panels before he went blind. I have been thinking of taking an adult ed class in stained glass-work, it looks interesting and I have a soldering iron and I’m not afraid to use it!
Post #27 will help you a great deal in Utah. Trust me on this one. 
Thank you. I once did this with a guy at our town’s sidewalk sale. The woman sitting with him at the table turned bright red. I thought she was embarassed as hell till I realized her whole body was shaking with repressed laughter. She had to get up and leave, presembly to crack up in private.
Y’all are just too nice. If they come to the door, I close it in mid-sentence. If I’m accosted on the street, I simply say “get the fuck away from me”. I’ve tried being polite in the past and it never works. Since I don’t like losing my temper, it’s best for me to just cut it off immediately.
Except that the Bible doesn’t say that. It says that such contact makes one ceremonially unclean & not allowed in Israelite Sanctuary worship until either washing or the next day. Even if you expand that to mean Church services, if the person isn’t heading to church later that day, they’re A-OK!
Haw haw!
- TBJ, the One True Og (and The Other White Jack)
I had proselytizers show up at my door last week.
On Friday night. At the door with a mezuzah on it.
I have no idea what they were thinking.
Fortunately I saw their nametags with their deity’s name in large type, and shut the door immediately.
Nametags = mormons.
They have no idea what a mezuzah is. I had to google the word. Seeing that object on your front door would not necessarily ping me to understand that A) you are Jewish and B) it’s obviously your Sabbath. No mormon would have any clue about that either.
That’s what they were thinking.