PSA for Mother's Day: Not Every Woman Is A Mother

In My Humble Opinion
1

There is something that happens EVERY Mother’s Day that continues to annoy me. Sometimes even angers me.

NOT EVERY WOMAN IS A MOTHER
NOT EVERY MOTHER IS WORTHY OF HONOR

Please, please PLEASE do not tell every random, unknown woman you encounter this weekend to have a happy Mother’s day. Why? Because you don’t know that woman’s history.

If a woman wanted children and could not have them Mother’s Day can be a source of pain, not joy. (Numerous women of my acquaintance)

If a woman had children but they died then Mother’s Day can be a source of pain, grief, and renewed mourning. (One of my sisters, who has outlived both her children, both of whom died before 30.)

If a woman had a toxic and/or harmful mother then she doesn’t need to “honor” her mother (I had a friend whose mother attempted to kill her and left her permanently, physically scarred. Why on Earth would she celebrate Mother’s Day?)

A lot of people no longer have living mothers. Again, the day can be a painful reminder of loss.

Trying to dress this up as the woman being the “mother of a furbaby” is, to me, repugnant. No, having pets is NOT the same as having and raising a human child even if pets are often child surrogates. It’s not “Pet Owners’ Day”. It’s Mother’s Day.

I have asked for Mother’s Day off from work this year because

  1. I am not anyone’s mother and thus it’s not my holiday. Normally on a “not my holiday” I’m happy to help other people have their holiday but keep reading.
  2. Every mother figure in my life at this point is deceased. It’s a day I remember my dead loved ones, not a day I have lunch with them
  3. I am fucking tired of having to deal with customers having a melt down because going to the grocery store on that day is them running a gauntlet of insensitive “well wishers” that, due to one or more of the above listed reasons, turns a routine chore into something between pain and torture. I have inevitably had to deal with at least one and usually several tearing-up-a-box-of-tissue level sadness/grief/tears when working on Mother’s Day, all the while dealing with my own issues.

So… I asked for the day off and will probably do my best to avoid all human contact outside my closest friends and relatives, who understand this is not my holiday (I will wish my sister with living children a happy Mother’s Day). That’s how I’m dealing with my issues and not imposing them on others.

But, for the rest of you - don’t make goddamned assumptions. It’s not cool to hurt people, even if it’s unintentional. If you KNOW the woman has children then fine. By all means, hug your own mother (assuming she’s alive and not a monster). But don’t ASSUME when it comes to complete strangers.

Thank you.

2

I’ve always felt the same about Father’s Day. My own father had a million-dollar heart but a nickel brain (as they say), and my relationship with him was complicated (to put it charitably). I myself never became a father. So the me, all of this hullaballoo is meaningless.

3

Thank you!
My son died on a Memorial Day and a year later a woman at church says, Happy Mothers Day.
I just looked at her. Seriously?

4

Do you know about the origin of Mother’s Day? The original name of the appeal that was made for a day to be established was as below. It was not about motherhood in the present sense. It was an appeal to woman around the world to avoid war and bloodshed:

https://womenshistory.si.edu/blog/history-mothers-day-global-peace-greeting-cards

5

It never even occurred to me that people are just running around out there wishing every woman they see a happy mother’s day.

Guess you can always stick with the good ol’ “Happy Holidays” no matter the holiday.

6

Well, one might not want to say “Happy Holidays” on a day like Memorial Day or Yom Kippur, if one is aware of the nature of those days.

7

Yeah. Until I started working retail it didn’t occur to me, either. But there it is.

Yes, well, the meaning of the holiday has mutated to be about women who have reproduced and/or raised children, not about its original meaning.

^ Very good point.

8

It didn’t spontaneously mutate. Most of the reason that it changed was the efforts of florists, card manufacturers, and candy companies in the early twentieth century. They wanted to make it about buying their products.

9

Yep.

Maybe we should morph Mother’s Day, and (ref @HeyHomie) Father’s Day into Women Day and Men Day. Or not and just cancel the whole charade.

10

Women’s Day is May 8 internationally, don’t know if there is a Men’s Day (probably not). I suggest Dude’s Day, on April 20, for reasons that should remain obvious.

11

I’ve not seen this either generally. I’m not denying OP’s experience, but I wonder if this something that most people don’t have to worry about.

12

I’ve never had to worry about it, personally.

13

I suppose it depends on what one does on the day or the couple of days prior. If you’re a woman, or with a woman, out in public as a consumer doing whatever, you’ll probably encounter somebody wishing you / her a happy Mother’s day. If you’re a guy who spends those few days online or at work or …, and not in company of women, not so much.

My late wife used to get those wishes. She never had kids and the thing that later killed her had a lot to do with that. She was not fond of being reminded by randos everywhere she / we went. OTOH, she was fine making a reasonable to-do about her own Mom despite their typical mother-daughter challenges.

14

maybe, I’m trying now to think back on years past when I was out with my wife on mother’s day. My recollection is that if we were also with our children, or the person knew we had children, then she would often get a happy mother’s day greeting. If we were alone, I honestly don’t remember random people just saying happy mothers day to her. Maybe it happened at one time or another, I just don’t remember it.

15

Back in the day giving the greeting to every woman may have been kinda regional. With the homogenizing impact of the WWW I suspect it’s more similar everywhere now.

16

I guess there may be regional differences (and so no single origin) but in the UK I believe that it’s a corruption of Mothering Sunday, and originally had nothing to do with motherhood at all.

j

17

I work in retail and the OP is totally right. I get Happy Mother’s day by probably 60 percent of my customers? It may well be more. I work tomorrow so I’ll try to keep a total. I do work very early, and Sunday AM is slow (as slow as we ever get) so there is that. It doesn’t bother me on my own behalf, but I certainly understand the pain it can potentially cause others.

I had a fraught relationship with my mother. I called her the monster … not to her face. I took care of her as she was dying, and helped her with tasks beyond her before she got sick. She loved me in her own, obsessive, controlling way. She risked going to jail for me when she took me out of school in elementary school because of relentless bullying. Yet, she was emotionally abusive, controlling, and believed a lot of crap 'cause she wanted to. I still loved her despite her flaws, but it was hugely complicated.

All this to say I totally get the OP’s feelings.

18

Fellow customer service worker here, and YEAH BUDDY.

I’m nobody’s mother, and my mom and I have an extremely, ah, complicated relationship. She’s a bitch, and I learned a few tricks from her. I will also work Open ->Close shift tomorrow.

I’ve learned to just smile politely, say “Thank you” in my best cheerful voice, and move 'em on.

19

Wait, do people actually do this? If so, yeah, that’s pretty messed up.

The closest I’ve seen is, like, at church, the pastor will ask all of the mothers in the congregation to stand for a blessing.

20

Working 35+ years retail has pretty much got me hating every holiday. Mostly holidays I think are about getting people to spend money they would not ordinarily spend for items they would not otherwise buy,