Psychoanalyze me, please: am I burnt out, or is this the new me?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Let me explain – no time, let me sum up.
Highlights of my love life to date:
Sara - I was 18, it was just a summer fling, but she was wonderful - scaldingly funny, artistic, warm, caring, beautiful, etc., etc. We broke up at the start of of my sophmore year of college (on the train station platform - very Bogartesque). I cried all the way down to D.C. That semester became an orgy of booze, drugs, and pick-ups, with the worst grades I’ve ever had. My roommate and I referred to this time as “The Age of Selfishness”. Eventually, I got over it, but for years afterwards I compared women I was dating to Sara, and they usually were found wanting.
Various other relationships followed, until I met Zorayda - I was 22, a year out of college. We dated 3 years. I was in looooove. I moved from Philly back to D.C. to be closer to her. I asked her to marry me after she graduated from college - she said not yet, but that one day she would say yes. She went overseas for the first two years of med school, and I moved to NYC, where she was going to complete her education. While overseas, she met someone else. [incredibly cruel and hurtful things she did deleted]. I was destroyed - life became very gray, thoughts of suicide flitted in and out of my mind. I didn’t go on any dates at all for about two years, lost track of friends, and generally started to move towards a hermit-like existence. And I’m still stuck in NYC
After several years, I started to come around, and after one or two minor relationships, I hooked up with Michelle when I was 28. She was an old friend from college who had lived for several years overseas. We embarked on a whirlwind romance, and I proposed, and she accepted. The engagement fell apart quickly after we moved in together and discovered we (well, I did - she disagreed vehemently) just couldn’t be together that much. My emotions at the end of it were disturbingly blase - “too bad that didn’t work out, but I’m glad I found out before it was too late.”
My last girlfriend was Laura. This relationship lasted about 6 months. We broke up over the phone, while I was traveling on business (my business travel being the primary reason for the break-up). Literally, my first thought when I hung up the phone was, “what should I order for dinner?” Since the break-up, I’ve felt no pangs, anger, regret, etc. of any kind.

I’m becoming very concerned about how stilted my emotions have become, at least in the areas of love and romance. The way I see it, there are three possibilities:

  1. I’m still not over the hurt Zorayda caused me;
  2. Passion fades as you get older (I’m 31 now), and what I’m going through is normal;
  3. I’m just an unfeeling bastard.

Any thoughts/help/suggestions/perfect women out there who want to cure me (;))?

Sua

2

I think your option #1 is the correct one. When you’ve been deeply hurt like this, it is normal for you to want to close yourself off to further pain and vulnerability. As a result, you may not have ever felt deeply about Laura and Michelle, at least not the way you felt about Sara and Zorayda.

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Kinda strange, as my name is Laura and my sister is Sara.
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In any case, I would spend some time figuring out what YOU enjoy doing. If you like working, don’t feel bad about that. Focus on your job. Focus on doing the things that you want to do with your life, right now. Most of all, focus on finding out what those things are, and who you are. After you’ve figured that out, you can figure out what kind of woman is going to fit into the life you want, or whether you need a woman at all.

You need to deal with the hurt that you are feeling too. If you are closed off you are not ready to have a real relationship. Even if you found the right woman, it wouldn’t work for you at this point.

If you want to talk, check my profile for my email or ICQ. Good luck

3

I’m going to avoid any jokes about how lawyers are unfeeling bastards by definition. Really. Not going to go for the cheap shot.

Age may have something to do with it. Not because you are old, but you have many more responsibilities than you had then; the hormones that were running your life ten years ago have receded some; you have something few post-adolescent guys have: perspective.

Don’t expect fireworks like when you were nineteen. Look for somebody you actually CAN stand to be around that much. Find a job that requires less travel. Become a partner so you never have to work again.

4

A little extra detatchment with age is normal. I’m a little bit younger than you, Sua, but I’m experiencing a similar thing, with alarming parallels in the back story, with the chief difference being that in my case the first two big ones were actually the same person.

5

Yah, dz, it has certainly helped my job performance :stuck_out_tongue:
No other responses right now. I’m gonna go home and contemplate. See yas in the morrow.
Sua

6

You aren’t burned out, an unfeeling bastard, or condemned to endless loop replaying old romances. That’s how we do it, for good or ill. I’ve only been seriously involved with a few people, but it took me ages to figure out the first 3 were retreads of the first.

Then again, I’m not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

This is probably hackneyed beyond belief, but Sinatra’s It was a very good year doesn’t do a bad job of summing of the syndrome, given a hugely sentimental (and egotistical) bent.

We love differently at different ages. But none of the loves are wasted, unless we choose to. The hardest thing is to learn from past lovers what we want and value, without projecting the past psychodramas onto the person in front of us. It’s so damned easy, reflex, to read from the same old scripts. Loved and looked for this, found it so let’s heave the baggage around…

People do the best they can, they really do. VERY few people set out to be hurtful shits. Everybody totes their own load, and the best we can do is the best we can do.

I’m not religious, but believe that’s the sense behind it’s essential to forgive. Not just forget: forgive. Understand, accept and then let the bad stuff go. It’s past and nobody can change it, so learn and go on to love again.

(This is sheer hypocrisy, y’understand? I’m blissfully single after a disasterous romantic history, appreciating my dog mostly.)

Pomposity and wordy excess aside, you’re just a maturing you. And may I say, maturity basically bites.

Wishin’ ya well,
Veb

7

[hijack]

Beg to disagree here. Being mature (PC for “old”) doesn’t mean there won’t be fireworks, angst, joy, blushes, discovery, etc. – all those great things that young people think end at about age 35!!!

Damn! I’m not yelling at you, dropzone – but dang! I met hubby when we were both 49 – I’m not going to gross you young folks out (old people “doing it”) or make you sick at some of the lovey-dovey stuff we used to do (notes left in cars, phone calls, little gifts, special dinners, etc.) – but what do people think old folks do when they fall in love? Compare hemorrhoid ointments? Look at photo albums of the grandkids? Watch freakin’ TV!!!

Think about it! The kids are grown, we have the house to ourselves, nobody’s gonna get pregnant, we know where everything is and we’re not embarrassed to buy sex toys. (The cashiers think they’re shower gifts for young relatives.)

[end hijack]

Dang!

8

I’m gonna go with Brunetter and say it’s option #1. Having recently been through emotional hell myself, it can take a LONG time to get over it.

I’d take a look at what you want, and what kind of relationship you want/need right now. The pain will eventually go away, but there’s no set timetable. If you want to talk, my contact info is in my profile: email, ICQ, and AIM.

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Brunetter - both your sigs rock…I used to ahve that Carlin quote as mine for a while. :slight_smile:
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9

My dear Aunt,

I said “do not expect” the fireworks. And I was called away from the computer before I could go further.

I experienced a crush/infatuation/I-don’t-know-what-the-hell-it-was in my mid-forties that matched or exceeded in intensity anything I experienced in my teens. The dual facts that I was married and she wasn’t interested in me like THAT did not dampen the fire, only made me get extremely effed up over the whole thing. These were unexpected fireworks.

What I have with my wife now is a well-stoked fire. An even flame and few flare-ups. It lacks the adolescent blaze, but it won’t burn itself out quickly, either. It could be more fun for both of us, but the kids are not out of the house.

10

dropzone – oh. Okay. Never mind.

I like your fire metaphors.

I didn’t want SuaSponte (or anyone else) to think that he’d never again find a love like his first. Sorry if I sounded like a raging maniac. :slight_smile:

11

AuntiePam& dz: your “mature” passion could just be senility. :GD&R:

Seriously, I thank you for your responses. I’ve always leaned towards explanation #1, if only because it means there is some hope. But dammit, when is it going to end?! I mean, it’s been six freaking years since Zorayda and I broke up.
I think the hardest thing to accept is that I thought I had found the one woman for me, and I was wrong. It’s kinda hard to trust your gut after that.
::Sigh::

12

AUNT PAM!!! I havn’t seen you in so long! I’m a young relative of yours and I’m having a shower and I would LOVE for you to come…

13

LOL DarbyV :wink: Where are you registered?

Senility! Could be.

But I gotta tell ya, it’s only been the last couple of years that I figured out why grandpa and grandma kept a jar of Vaseline on their nightstand. Grandma’s rough hands were only part of the reason.

14

Sua, I’m going to get cliched for a moment, but maybe it’s time to let go of Zorayda. I know that work has occupied the lion’s share of your time the past few years; so much that you probably haven’t really been able to sort out your feelings. But raking yourself over the coals because you were “wrong” is not how you do it.

You are in a profession where being absolutely sure of yourself is an advantage. You know that life has more gray than black or white but you must sometimes ignore that to give your client your best. But if you lose a case do you quit? Do you get so gunshy that you cannot give your next client your best? No, debrief yourself: you go over what went wrong, if it was your fault, and how it can be prevented the next time.

You do the same way all through life. Screw up, see why, slap your knuckles with a ruler, then move on, sadder but wiser.

Don’t fall into the romantic’s trap that “there’s only one girl for me,” either. Trust me, if you follow your gonads there’s millions of women that will do. If you follow your heart, there’s still plenty. Many more than plenty, especially since you only need to find one more. Figure out what you want from a relationship: cheap, tawdry, sex; arm candy to impress people; or somebody you’ll still be happy to be with thirty years down. I think you’re looking for the third. That’s another thing that comes with age.