I’m not trying to pick a fight with anyone here, but this reply seems a little harsh. My boyfriend and I have discussed this, more than once. But it seems as though you’re saying “to heck with your ideas of propriety and your level of physical/psychological discomfort. Put up with that if you want to keep a boyfriend.” Maybe I’m misinterpreting your intent?
At any rate, I’m not Orthodox nor Asian, but I am a product of the very deep South, USA. Manners are ingrained. In addition, I’ve spent a good many years working in fairly “public” professions in this area: radio, marketing, etc. I refer to this area as “the largest small town you’ll ever find.” Everyone around here knows everyone, and knows his or her business. I prefer to maintain a pretty strict boundary between my public life and my private life.
I realized today, though, that this isn’t really a “compromise-able” situation. One of us has to agree to the other party’s interpretation of acceptable behavior. And, as much as I hate to do so, I did finally have to let him know that, while he might not understand my reasoning, I am allowed to set my own boundaries for what I find comfortable or uncomfortable. Love him dearly, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not allowed to draw my own lines…
I agree with this sentiment completely. I have two housemates who love to kiss intently whenever they’re out with friends. Now, ostensibly, they also do this in private, but the public aspect bothers me, since it seems so contrived.
I took to telling them to get a room whenever they kissed. Seriously, I’m watching TV. I don’t need another “show” at the same time. Ick.
This isn’t to say I’m completely against PDA, however. I’m all for quick kisses, hand holding, and cuddling while out with friends. But like others have mentioned prior, some activities can and should be constrained to the bedroom.
Casserole, a 21-year old male brought up in an Eastern family living in Western culture.
Affection is one thing but practically having sex in public is another (not so bad when it’s a park where everybody is at it) and so is one-sided mauling and clinging. Usually women cling and men maul and the impression is of insecurity in the one case and a smug (and basically nasty) show-off power trip that she’ll put up with anything in the other.
I don’t think that’s what people are saying. I think what they are saying is that both of you are dealing with very primal, irrational emotions here–embarassment on your part and rejection on his. So you have to tread carefully: this is potentially a much bigger deal than him loving sushi and you not really being that fond of it.
I think it’s very compromise-able. What you want is a certain amount of public dignity, what he wants is to feel like you are clearly a “couple” when you are out/have a way to show you what he’s feeling. So you’ve got to find some system that gives both of you both those things–I have no idea what that system is, but it will probably take many long, boring talks to figure it out, and probably more than a few of these will be follow-ups to one evening where one or both of you feel like the other didn’t handle it well and it needs to be rehashed. This is the sort of thing you talk through, not the sort of thing where you just “set boundaries” and let the other person deal with it as best they can: it’s a relationship, not middle management.
I mean, when you have a big bubble of affection for him rising up through your chest, there’s something you do, right? You say something, or give him a certain sort of look, or squeeze his hand, or make him a sandwich, or something. If he just told you, “don’t look at me like that, it makes me uncomfortable” or “don’t hold my hand” or “stop saying mushy things, I don’t like it”, it’d be a loss to you. And maybe you don’t feel that big bubble of affection in public–I am kinda that way myself, I tend to be focused on the moment–but many people do, and he may be. The two of you have to negotiate a way to both get what you really need here.
That. Going back to when I was in my teens, discrete DAs (for example in a dark bar, or a quick peck walking behind the rest of our friends, or holding hands) were OK; dancing with me for one hour in a dark bar and suddenly finding the valor to kiss me just as the lights went on made me feel like I was a cow and someone had just burned a brand onto my ass.
You aren’t a prude at all its nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the “Icky” factor.
He sounds very young(putting it politely)for his age.
Has he only had a very few G/Fs in his life?
Most people dislike having Wuvvy Dovey displays carried out in front of them just as much as they dislkie couples having personal arguments in front of them.
If you’re ashamed of him for these PDAs then you have every right to be.
He sounds very immature and clingy to me.
This is the impression I get, too. My husband used to try to slip me the tongue when he was smooching me in public, and then ignore me once we got home when we were first married. It was like he was saying “I’m married, I can get some any time I want to now” to everyone.
Boundaries are important. Respecting other people’s boundaries, even if they make no sense to you, is just being polite. NOT respecting someone’s boundaries is incredibly rude and thoughtless, and shows extreme disrespect.
FTR, I would prefer that other people refrain from sucking each others’ tongues when in public. If you’re old enough to have sex, you’re old enough to get a frigging room already.
I think older couples holding hands or sharing a peck is sweet.
I think anyone who feels the need to walk around with their hand in the back pocket of another person or engage in the exchange of fluids in public is going a bit too far - regardless of their age - barring extenuating circumstances. Its nice to see people pick up their significant other at the airport with more than a mere peck, for instance.
For me at least, there is no power struggle or hidden message beyond “I am with my snoogy! I love my snoogy! I will kiss my snoogy now!” coupled with a nigh-pathological lack of care for what others think about appropriate behavior.
Wasn’t it George Carlin who said that everyone who drives faster than you is a maniac and everyone who drives slower than you is a coward? I think PDAs are like that: Whatever our comfort zone, we tend to assume that the “natural” place and people that are more demonstrative must be showing off and people that are less demonstrative must be restraining themselves out of prudery.
I also want to say to consider the company. My husband and I might smooch a little when having dinner with another couple, but last night we had dinner with a friend who was widowed last year and who feels the loss of her husband keenly. How rude of us would it be for us to kiss in front of her? Time, place, and company matter.
A quick peck on the cheek and handholding are appropriate IMHO.
However, anything else is inappropriate in public. I hate watching it (if it’s just four or six people) and it makes me feel that people that do that are ignoring those others in the room. It makes me extremely uncomfortable and I’m not likely to stay long with that company.
I’ve seen PDA’s, with more details that I’d like, with younger people in the mall. I can’t help it - it makes young girls look cheap and the boyfriends look like idiots.
I apologize for those I may offend by this opinion but it makes the people involved look cheap.
I’m 32. PDA is gross. Acceptable things include hand-holding (with me and SpouseO, hand-holding is pretty brief. I’d like to do it longer, but he prefers to keep any hand-holding brief, so we do), arm around waist, brief shoulder rub, or brief hug, and that’s pretty much it. We don’t kiss in public, even brief pecks.
I think it’d be pretty clear to anyone we were with that we were together, even if we didn’t touch each other at all. In any case, anyone we’re with would already know that, so why would we feel like we needed to prove it anyway? It’s just weird and oogy, and it’s not worth creeping anyone else out.
I don’t think they are showing off…I think that as robertliguori so aptly described himself they have a “nigh-pathological lack of care for what others think about appropriate behavior” once that PDA crosses some “appropriateness” line.
But that line isn’t exactly bright. And its going to vary tremendously from person to person, from circumstance to circumstance. i.e. I don’t know that I’d think holding hands is ever inappropriate PDA from someone else - ok, I can think of one place - workplace relationships in big corporations - no PDA is appropriate. Actually having sex in front of other people should be reserved for those parties and locations at which such activity is a stated part of the activities.
I will let my wife of ten years know this the next time she tries to suck my face off at the mall.:rolleyes:
And yes, OP, you are a prude and so are most of the people in this thread. And that’s OK. You’re allowed to be prudish (it wasn’t always a pejorative), it only becomes a problem if you try and legislate other people’s behaviour based on what icks you. As to your central dilemma, I think it’s *always *the more prudish half (third, if you’re kinky) who gets to set the boundaries in a relationship. Nobody ever died because they didn’t get to snog at dinner.
Sorry but I’ll just reiterate my stance that finding people who make a big performance of how desperately in love they are that they have to give everyone a demonstration in public which squishy kisses and the like are merely nauseating to watch not obscene.
Personally I’m more then happy to watch any good looking women do a striptease in front of me in a public place at any time.
But the people doing the "Look at me I’ve finally got a BF/GF"hugging and kissing charade make me want to hurl violently into the nearest bucket.
I tend to imagine that the perpetrators of this sort of behaviour are the ones who only ever have sex with the lights out,once a week,on one occassion,in the missionary position,after drinking …
Where the man comes quickly and the woman has only ever read about orgasms.
If those who still can’t understand other peoples dislike of PDAs need help to imagine their reaction,then think of someone who insists on eating with their mouths open in front of you…noisily.
I don’t find anything non-excretory people do with their bodies all that yucky, personally, so may be that’s the difference between me and most people.