touchy-feeliness in relationships?

In My Humble Opinion
1

First of all this is not about PDAs, or anything in public, but solely in private.

I am a girl and, when I’m with my current boyfriend (or past boyfriends), I’m pretty touchy-feely, so to speak. I come up behind him and hug him, or rub his shoulders, or kiss his neck, when we’re in bed I rub his back or his stomach or want his arm around me. It’s hard to sit next to him and not reach out and touch him. He has a nice body and very nice skin, and I am very physically/sexually attracted to him. I am definitely not clingy, I don’t hang on him, but I am very physical when we’re together.

He, on the other hand, is exactly the opposite, and I find myself frustrated at having to initiate any/all physical contact. He only kisses me when I specifically ask (i.e. “can I have a goodnight kiss?”). He doesn’t put his hand on my arm when he’s talking to me, doesn’t spontaneously put his arm around me, has never taken my arm while we’re walking, doesn’t casually touch me anywhere when we’re chilling out in bed, etc. Sometimes we’ll sleep curled up, but almost always on my initiation, as well. I’ll tell him, “I’m chilly, come keep me warm” and he’ll duly snuggle up. This is starting to have a negative impact on our sex life (primarily my end), because I’m beginning to feel as if he isn’t attracted to my body. He doesn’t touch me romantically during sex, either, even though I’ve done all I can to encourage it, guide his hands over me, drop obvious hints, etc- it’ll work that one time but then, next time, it’s back to only breasts/between the legs.

I feel like it’s impossible to be genuinely physically attracted to someone and not touch them casually, or want to.

Superficially, I’m attractive, thin/physically fit, clean, I shower and shave and smell good, and he’s never complained about anything to me. He’s 35 and I’m 24. We’ve been together for a few months. This is my first/only longish-term relationship. We get along wonderfully, and we don’t have any other problems.

My question is, I guess, for women who are married/ in relationships, are you touchy-feely? Is your husband/boyfriend? Is this something you need/expect out of a relationship?

And for men, have you been attracted to women who you don’t casually touch? Is this a normal thing? Or is it a very bad relationship sign?

2

I’m a woman, and at times I want to be very touchy-feely. Not all the time, I’m someone that needs a great deal of alone time and personal space, but in situations like sitting on the couch watching TV, or walking down the street, I’d have to be touching him. Hell, especially if he had a nice body and very nice skin.

I’d be concerned about the relationship if I were you. Yes, maybe that’s just “how he is” and it doesn’t mean anything about his feelings for you, but there’s something off about it. Doesn’t touch you romantically even when you’re having sex?? Yikes. I couldn’t deal with that.

3

I’m a guy and married.

I’m not as standoffish as the BF you describe, but I’m not a touch feely person by nature, but that doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to my wife. It’s just who I am and I’m not really going to change.

You said he’s 35, has he spent a lot of time living alone? I ask because he may have simply become used to being on his own. I lived alone until my wife and I moved in together when I was 33 or 34 and that fact certainly has affected our marriage.

When I was dating, if a woman tried to push my personal space boundries (which I admit are much more developed than in most people), it would trigger a flight mechanism in me more quickly than anything else.

In general, I’m more likely to want more personal space than my wife does. We cuddle sometimes, but other times I just want to read a book or just be by myself. It might just be how he is. He might change, however. I have become more touchy with my wife over the years.

4

There is a huge difference of conditioning here for men and women that you have to keep in mind. For perspective purposes, I’m a man.

I love to have touch-feely women around me. It generally makes me feel more appreciated and connected. But it’s very difficult for a man to get used to the concept of reciprocating that touch. Why? Because a man who’s touchy-feely can become a creepy man very quickly. We generally have to be a lot more careful about touching anyone - even a light, innocent touch can become sexual harrassment in a hearbeat if she’s not in the right mood or does not have a particular shine to you. (and sorry but women are not famous for consistency of mood)

It’s a mentally ingrained thing that doesn’t just disappear as soon as you get into a blatantly romantic relationship with someone. I know it’s a real issue for me and it takes significant time and trust before I’m comfortable touching a woman however my impulse tells me to. So please, for his sake and all of ours, just try to bear that in mind and keep making him feel comfortable, and keep proving you can be trusted and if he’s not completely fucked up he’ll come around on his own. If not, PM me. :wink:

5

My husband likes me (well, amoung other things) because I am a touchy-feely person and he is not. I was raised that way and he was not. My family is straight out of *My Big Fat Greek Wedding * and his is straight out of Pinter.

It does help that my own parents had a very similar dynamic and I did in fact marry a man very like my father. I knew that going in.

If the relationship is worth the trouble, it is possible to reach an accomodation. It can even be fun getting there. It is not possible, I think, to convert a guy who thinks a Significant Pause in a conversation counts as communication into a guy who says he loves you six times a day. I don’t even think it’s desirable to try: if I wanted a different kind of guy I would have gone out and gotten one.

6

My wife hates the fact that I am not touchy feely…and it has driven her mad. It has caused DEEP riffs in our marriage at times.

She can sense every minute that has passed since she got the emotional touchy feelings she wanted, and years could go by and I wouldn’t notice.

I am shocked that she is hurt at times, and she is shocked that I can be so ‘cold’. She cannot help but interpret my behavior as me pushing her away. I am about a 2 on a scale of 1-10 and she is about a 9 on the touchy feely scale.

7

Have I ever been attracted to a woman but not casually touched her? Every day of my life. I see lots of attractive women, but going out of my way to touch them is sexual harassment.

With my girlfriend, however? We rarely touch when we are walking somewhere together. But when we are, say, lying on the futon together, we are constantly holding hands. Or snuggling. I often bury my face in her left boob. Or she lays her head on my chest. I honestly can’t imagine a relationship where this does not happen.

8

Irishfella and I are pretty much as touchy-feely as it gets. If we’re in the same room, in private we’re usually lying side by side on a sofa, snuggling. Or I’m scratching his head, or he’s stroking my hair.

In public, we hold hands, and possibly give each other a hug or a peck on the cheek, and that’s it.

It works for us because we’re both into it, I don’t think I could be with someone who wasn’t open to being that tactile.

9

I am kind of in both camps.

I need my alone time, and when I am concentrating on something (ie. reading) I don’t like to be bothered.

But most times I am affectionate, verbally and physically. I like cuddling whether it is on the couch, in bed, or just a random long hug. I too would have a problem with someone who never really touched me of their own volition.

10

I have the inverse problem of the OP. I’m the male and she’s the one who isn’t much for touching and etc and it’s become a bit of a problem. She says she associates all such touching with sex and if we’re gonna do sex let’s do sex dammit but don’t be trying to ‘sneak up on her’. Well of course it’s sexual, or an expression of sexuality, that’s part of who we are to each other, but it’s not, you know, Stage A of a campaign to get her hot 'n horny right here and now.

:mad:

11

I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that he’s not attracted to you. Some guys just aren’t the touchy-feely sort. I have gotten comments from a number of girlfriends on what a “good cuddler” I am. In fact, I’ve only had one girlfriend who was too touchy for me. She liked to “pet me” as she called it (stroke my shoulder, for instance) while I was asleep. I’m a light sleeper, though, so she woke me up every time. Apart from that, I seem to be quite a ways toward one end of the “likes to touch” spectrum.

Anyway, the point of this ramble is that he may well just be different from you in his wants and needs when it comes to touching. The question is, how big of a problem is that for you?

12

Married 15 year - both my husband and I were raised in very non-physical households (unless it was feeling the back of someone’s hand). We are both very standoffish with other people but very touchy with each other. Whenever we are in reach, we have at least casual contact of some sort.

I was in other relationships where any physical contact occurred was to initiate sex and always felt something was lacking. If you need it and he can’t/won’t give it, that could be a problem. It would be for me.