Fuck you, clown!
Watson, you idiot. Some thieving bastard has pinched our tent!
[spoiler]A Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.
“Ye see that fence over there?” he says to the bartender. “Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me ‘McGregor the Fence-Builder?’ No…”
He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. “Ye see that pier on the loch?” He continues, “Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me ‘McGregor the Pier-Builder?’ No.”[/spoiler]
“But ye fuck ONE sheep…”
$20, same as in town.
This is, perhaps, the exact opposite of what the OP had in mind, but I just had to get it in. One of my favorite jokes consists of three lines: Two flies are sitting on a pile of dog shit. One of them farts. The other one says “Exscuse me, I’m eating.” I am amazed at how many times I’ve told that joke to people who start laughting after the second line and when I’m finished say that the premise of the joke,a fly farting, is funnier than the punchline.
“No, but you’d be surprised how strong you get when you bite your own testicles.”
He starts the chainsaw, and the guy says, “What’s that noise?”
And the women walks 50 yards, and crosses the bridge.
“Wow, Holy Father, that guy must have seen you coming!”
“E-I-E-I-O.”
That’s what makes him so mean!
Are you kidding? I’m laughing myself silly here! Let me refresh your memory from some previous posts:
So they don’t whistle on the way down!
Kevin Federline, in the drawing room, with a candlestick.
And Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again…
Not with my cat, you won’t!
I have no idea what any of those punchlines are about, but come on! Kevin Federline, in the drawing room with a candlestick – that’s just funny!
So they don’t whistle on the way down … I don’t even wanna’ know the rest of the joke, the punchline is enough!
Keep 'em coming!
We use the camel to ride to the oasis.
No lady, I won’t untie the string from around his balls. That’s my passing gear.
You’d be amazed at the burst of adrenline that you get when you bite yourself on the balls!
It’s gotta be “car,” not van.
From joke about the pirate with the steering wheel in his pants - “Arrr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
I had a friend who was partial to George Carlin’s line “SO I’M GETTING MY TESTICLES LAMINATED ON THURSDAY” (which is actually a misquote) out of context - but that works, because it’s a joke about how sometimes everybody in a room gets quiet at once and you find yourself saying something embarrassing that everyone can hear.
Djibouti? I hardly even know her!
So I bit him.
Don’t you think you ought to pet him first?
Close the door, I’m mayonaise!
Pass the ketchup, my back itches.
But ya fuck one goat…
It’s your turn in the barrel.
And on Friday it’s your turn in the barrel.