Um…sorry if I’m stupid, but did anybody else not get the “TIS bottle” joke?
Just wondering if I’m all alone in my dipstick world.
“It’s not death I fear so much as leaving something so beautiful as life.”
It took me years of watching Bullwinkle and Rocky to realize that Mr. Peabody was, in fact, a shaggy dog.
Another great source of shaggy dog stories was the weekly BBC radio show “My Word,” which was also broadcast on NPR for a few years. The show always ended with two stories. Panelists Frank Muir and Denis Norden would each get a famous saying a few days in advance, and they had to compose a story ending with a punny version of the saying. There were a few books containing their stories. Here’s a short version of one by Denis Norden.
Occasionally a bird will actually try to build a nest in a horse’s mane. The remedy is to sprinkle some brewer’s yeast into the mane. Apparently birds really hate this and never return. Although this is a rare occurrence, there is a famous saying about it:
Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
…this is another Moebius sig…b!s sn!qaoW jay+oue s! s!y+…
(adaptation of a WallyM7Sig™ a la quadell)
For business reasons, I must preserve the outward signs of sanity. - Mark Twain
A zoology professor at Stanford found a way to keep porpoises alive indefinitely, from the flesh of seagulls he bagged at the shore near Palo Alto. One weekend while the professor was at the seashore, an old, toothless, peaceful lion escaped from a zoo and wended his way across town to the professor’s home. The lion fell asleep alongside the garage. The professor parked in the driveway and, carrying a cage of still-live seagulls, walked along the sidie of the garage to the animals’s tank and stepped over the escaped, sleeping big cat. Immediately FBI agents waiting in the bushes leaped out and grabbed the professor and arrested him.
The charge: transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
In deepest, darkest, most mysterious Mediterranean Africa, a quest was undertaken to locate the rarest of the rare, the Foo bird. Not only was the bird rare, it was unaparalleled. A bright turquoise blue, with a golden beak and a scarlet breast, the bird was comely. The fact of its brilliant emerald green crest made it only more beautiful. But two things in particular made the Foo stand out from your ordinary crowd of spectacular tropical birds: it flew backwards and its droppings were lethal to all animal life.
A team of intrepid explorers nonetheless set out to find it. The wended their way through flooded rivers, tsetse-fly infested scrub. They avoided tribal massacres and blights of NGOs. Finally, they arrived in a dense forest, with low shrubs blocking their progress; with understory trees blocking their view; with the highest of the trees so dense that only tiny, blinding patches of sunlight cast illuminiation below.
The explorers set up camp. After removing leeches acquired during their trek, after dousing each other in organophosphates to keep the mosquitoes at bay; after pitching their tents to try to keep the monsoon-like rain out of their food supplies, they set off to try and find their bird.
After weeks of signal failure–though they did see many magnificant and rare beasts–they were about to quit. One explorer, though, caught a glimpse of color flitting between two branches. He called his companions and they stealthily crept up toward where he saw the bird roost. Quietly, he walked under the branch.
With a quiet splat, a glob of droppings fell on his head. Instantly, it started burning like acid. The man shrieked and ran off, stumbling, toward the river. He threw himself into it to try to wash the droppings off. Instantly, he was eaten by a crocodile.
Another of the team loosed a long-handled net. He crept up on the bird from the side, seeking to avoid any droppings. With a crashing flutter, the bird took to wing. Immediately it was over the net-bearer, it let loose another string of droppings. This, too, quickly started burning through the explorer’s scalp. He flung his net aside and went crashing into the thicket that surrounded them. Alas, he ran smack into the jaws of a spotted hyena, who quickly disposed of him.
The last of our entrepid group decided that discretion was the better part of valor. He took his anesthetic dart gun out of its scabbard. He took careful aim and was about to fire when the bird again took wing. It flew straight at him, at the last minute veering upward and splatting him with droppings.
The explorer yelled, the explorer shouted. He cried, he moaned, but he took careful aim and fired a dart into the bird, dropping it in a nonce.
The droppings continued to burn. They ate holes in his skin, leaving necrotic ulcers and weeping sores. But the explorer bagged his bird. When asked how he managed, he would alway reply, if the Foo shits, wear it.
I think a good pun is it’s own reword. 
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
Oops. That joke wasn’t really a Pun That Makes You Groan.
That was a Thirty Minute (Or More) Joke That Makes The Listeners Want To Kill You After Hearing The Lame Punch Line kind of joke.
Sorry. I just wanted to torture some Dopers.
You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.
This makes me think of last night.
I was over at a friend’s place for supper, and her 13-year-old niece was looking rather bored.
So I engaged her in that classic pun game, what do you call…
Some of the better ones she and I came up with:
What do you call a woman lying on a beach?
Shelly or Sandy
What do you call a man who works at a gas station?
Philip
What do you call a girl who likes to do little tasks?
Erin
etc…
this went on for about an hour. Needless to say, the 13 year old and I were having a blast.
Her mother and my friend were not enjoying it nearly so much.
Alex
And I read that entire fucking thing you asshole… and at the end my thoughts were… “what the fuck? is that some bad translation of a story from some unknown language?” Grrrrr…
Well…at least it’s a clear nght and the stars are out…that’s some constellation.
JB
Lex Non Favet Delicatorum Votis
One night a fish and I were talking about feet and sticking them a certain somewhere when I said, “That would be quite the feat!”
I swear on my life that I didn’t do it on purpose.
“Organs gross me out. That’s organs, not orgasms.”
-the wallster
A car salesman was sitting in his office one day when a snail came onto his office and asked to look at the fastest sports car they had on the lot. Seeing a large commission check in his near future, the salesman obliged, and took the snail to see their top-of-the-line sports car. After a test drive, the snail seemed quite pleased, so the salesman went for the close on the deal. The snail agreed to buy the car, but only if the dealership would paint a large “S” on each body pannel of the car. The salesman thought this was strange, but didn’t want to question the snail’s taste before the papers were signed, so he agreed to have the “S”'s painted on the car.
The next day, when the snail came to pick up the car, the salesman asked “Mr. Snail… just out of curiosity, why did you have all of these “S”'s painted on your new car?”
The snail replied “Well, my whole life, I’ve been known for being slow. Growing up, all of the kids in the neighborhood would tease me about how slow I am. I’ve always hated that. So, what I really want is to drive my new car through the old neighborhood as fast as the car will go, so that everyone who sees me go by will say ‘Boy! Look at that “S” car go!’”.
Things are random only insofar as we don’t understand them.
Oooh! Remembered another one!
A few years ago, when Canada introduced the two dollar coin, a ferocious debate arose over what to call the thing. It’s got the queen on one side and a polar bear on the other.
Suggestions came in along the lines of twoonie and doubloonie, but my absolute favourite suggestion was “moonie”. After all, it’s the queen with a bear behind!
This post is made of 100% recycled electrons
Have you heard of Mabel’s bar? They have gambling tables in the back. Their slogan is Mabel, liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
Virtually yours,
“Feynman was wrong.
I understand Quantum Physics completely.
Anybody seen my drugs?” - A WallyM7™ .sig
I don’t want to remember the original jokes for these, but the punch lines are:
Don’t hide your peas, Marge and Tina, and
The pie rates of Penn’s aunts.
Gah.
``You’re just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird.’’ – Tori Amos.
This one’s pretty bad, so please forgive me in advance.
Once upon a time, there was a monastery in the forest. The monks were great students of horticulture, growing many exotic plants including man eating venus fly traps.
Through the years, many people from the town nearby went into the woods and were eaten by the plants at the monastery. Eventually, the townsfolk hired a big bad mercenary named Hugh to go to the monastery and destroy the plants.
Hugh went to the monastery and destroyoyed the plants and the monks. There was much rejoicing.
The moral of hte story is: ONLY HUGH CAN PREVENT FLORIST FRIARS
:: duck ::
Arrested for pummeling a laughing clairvoyant, a fellow demanded to know what the charge was.
Striking a happy medium he was told.
One of my favorite puns involves the exotic pet shop. Its prize product was a special lizard from Cuba that could be trained to sing Jewish folk songs.
They call it the “Havana Gila.” 
Chaim Mattis Keller
ckeller@kozmo.com
“Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the
impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be
the answer. I, however, do not like to eliminate the impossible.
The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it that the merely improbable lacks.”
– Douglas Adams’s Dirk Gently, Holistic Detective
Well, it worked…I DO want to kill you. 
Along the same line, did you hear the one about the gorilla that escaped from the zoo and chased the zoo keeper all over town (describe where for 30 minutes) and when he finally catches the zoo keeper he says “You’re it.” ?
“It’s not death I fear so much as leaving something so beautiful as life.”
Mjollnir, that wasn’t really very knife, now was it? I bet if your friends never hear that again it’ll be to spoon. Why don’t you grow up and show some glass? I mean, couldn’t you have contem-plate-d their feelings? How rude! Fork you Mjollinir!
I have so many thoughts going through my head that sometimes it’s hard to finish a
I work in a bakery… my Mother-in-law came up with this one:
‘He rises early because he needs (kneads) the dough’
So many times, she’s made me want to hit her… hehe
I don’t suffer from insanity…
I enjoy every minute of it!