puns that make you groan

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Puns!!! I’m always coming up with puns that make people groan. I sometimes go by the name Attila the Pun, by the way.

Last year I had a couple interns who had started working for me, and since this is a healthcare setting everyone must be tested for tuberculosis. (For those who don’t know, the test involves getting an agent shot under the skin of your arm, then the area is checked by a nurse in 48 hours. If the skin is raised and red, then you may be positive.)

Since the one intern’s skin was a little raised at the test site, she was worried that she may have tuberculosis and went to the Employee Health Center to have it checked. Upon her return to our office, I noticed her walking up to a group of us and I couldn’t help myself as I said:

“Well, TB or not TB, that is the question?”
Another time, I was driving several of us back to the office when a little hatchback car pulled in front of us. The woman driving the car was apparently heading to the Laundromat, since the back of her car was piled with several laundry baskets and some detergent in a bright orange box on top one of the baskets, right next to the hatchback window. She was very slowly driving ahead of us for several blocks, and we were in a hurry to get down the street and get back to work on time. Finally, she put her turn signal on and it was my opportunity to proclaim:

“Thank God, it looks like the Tide is turning.”

42

(A newbie bravely steps forward…)

Here’s a few good ones…

“A clean thief always makes a stainless steal.”

“A farmer with a rip in his clothes has an overall problem.”

“A cow that is pampered too much will give spoiled milk.”

Enjoy! :wink:
Chrisbar

43

Why is the farmer well respected and admired?

Because he’s always outstanding in his field.

… … Sorry.

44

Well, the away team was tied at three runs in the top of the ninth, and the manager decided to put in Mill Famey, the famous relief pitcher. Unfortunately, during the game a fan had been slipping beers to Mill. By the time he was called to the bullpen, he’d consumed a whole case. He staggered out to the mound and pitched miserably, finally walking in the winning run.

Later, as the home team left the dugout, one of the players spied the case of empties. He said, “That’s the beer that made Mill Famey walk us!”

Your brain-in-a-jar,
Myron

Imbibo, ergo sum.

45

And then there was the symphony orchestra who had gathered to record a version of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony. They’d made it through the first two movements when the sound equipment broke down and most of them went across the street two have a few drinks at the local bar. It took a while to fix the equipment, and by the time they had reassembled the orchestra some of them were pretty toasted, bumping into music stands so much that they had to secure the sheets of music to the stands. Two musicians passed out cold. The conductor wanted to get started again but he had to consider his situation. After all, there they were in the bottom of the ninth, with the basses loaded, the score tied and two out.

46

And then there was the symphony orchestra who had gathered to record a version of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony. They’d made it through the first two movements when the sound equipment broke down and most of them went across the street two have a few drinks at the local bar. It took a while to fix the equipment, and by the time they had reassembled the orchestra some of them were pretty toasted, bumping into music stands so much that they had to secure the sheets of music to the stands. Two musicians passed out cold. The conductor wanted to get started again but he had to consider his situation. After all, there they were in the bottom of the ninth, with the basses loaded, the score tied and two out.

47

Once upon a time, in ancient Babylon, there was a minister to the King who was secretly spying for the Egyptians. He passed many of Babylon’s secrets to Egypt over the years, but alas, one day he was found out. The King’s most trusted general was sent to kill him. After barely escaping with his life, he remembered that his Egyptian contacts had made provisions for just such an occasion, and the instructions were hidden behind the third brick from the left in the fourth row from the ceiling in the north wall of the temple granary. So, he went to the temple, and sure enough the instructions were right where they said they would be, written on a sheet of papyrus. He read the instructions carefully, then burned them. Unfortunately, the general, who had been looking all over the city for him, saw the smoke, burst into the temple, and killed him where he stood.

The moral of this story: The searchin’ general warns that smoking ziggurats may be hazardous to your stealth.

Speaking of spies, once there were a brother and sister named Wayne and Amber. They were very close, but Amber, being the older of the two, always felt it necessary to criticize Wayne and to correct his mistakes, and they quarreled frequently because of this. In any event, they both had a dream of joining their country’s intelligence service and becoming spies. So, they both went to spy school. They did very well, they had a natural aptitude for spycraft, and they followed orders well. In addition, it was discovered that they were both posessed of prodigious appetites, making them ideal candidates for restaurant duty. They could sit at a table in a restaurant for hours on end, constantly eating, and never looking suspicious, all the while listening in on conversations and secretly taking photographs. However, on their very first assignment, Amber began to criticize Wayne’s technique. Wayne grew defensive, and argued back, and sure enough, a full scale family quarrel erupted. They constantly drew a great deal of attention to themselves, and had to be transferred to other duties. Their superior stated the reasons behind this decision in the following remark:

“They’re dutiful, voracious spies, but Amber raves at Wayne…”

Here lies Pierre de Fermat. Unfortunately, there is not enough room on this tombstone for a proper epitaph.

48

Some Quickies…

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist’s Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

When she told me I was average, I realized it was because I was just being mean.

A doctor passed a nurse in the hallway. He cauterize and winked. She intern winked back

Did you hear about the group of journalists who formed a clothing optional track club?
Their motto was “All the Nudes That’s Fit to Sprint”

An electrician finally arrived at his house at 2 a.m.
His wife was waiting and said “Wire you insulate?”
The reply was “Watts it to you, I’m ohm ain’t I?”

Bill always thought that chiropractors were quacks. After lying in bed a week from chronic back pain he was convinced to visit one. After a few minutes, his back felt like new. When the doctor asked, “How do you feel about chiropractors now,” Bill replied, “I stand corrected!”

California smog test: Can UCLA?

Patty saw all the different brands of light bulbs on aisle 9. She stopped and thought, then decided to choose by process of illumination.

Tourists need to be careful of what they eat when traveling in France, lest they get Lautrec’s revenge–when the bowels get “Toulouse”.

A newspaper editor was captured by cannibals and consumed by their leader. In other words, he became “editor-in-chief”.

Did you hear about the entrepreneur who bought an old, crumbling building with a bell tower and turned it into a strip joint? He wanted the belles to peel.

Did you hear about the proctologist who uses ferns to clean out your system?
His motto: “With fronds like these, who needs enemas?”

A bad cocktail party is a fete worse than death.

A zookeeper having trouble with the aviary would could be having a bad owl movement. (sorry, that was just a play on birds)

A policeman arrested a judge who was dressed up as a convict to go to a party. Later the policeman learned that you should never book a judge by his cover!

Definition of sarcasm: Quip lash

Fine print: A clause for suspicion

“The first tavern to open in Alaska was a polar bar.”

Bachelor: Footloose and fiancée-free.

49

I’ve got so many puns that the other day I entered a local paper’s pun contest. I sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

50

A husband and wife were walking down the street in Moscow when they noticed there was some precipitation. The husband thought it was rain but the wife thought it was snow. They knew from their long marriage that this was going to turn into a huge arguement.

Then they saw a minor Communist official across the street. They decided to ask him to settle their argument.

“Comrade Rudolph! Comrade Rudolph! Can you tell us if it is raining or snowing?”

Comrade Rudolph held his hand out, thought a bit, and said definitively: “It is raining.”

The husband and wife went along their way, but the wife continued to grumble, “I still think it is snowing”.

The husband said, “Now, now: Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

-k-
Karen Lingel, Physicist

51

There were two Greek philosophers, one who had a tear in his garment, and he was convinced the other philosopher had ripped it the one time he had loaned in out to him, but he patched it up, and, as a bonus, pathed up his friend’s garment when it was ripped, because he was a really nice guy.
A typical conversation went:
“Euripides?”
“Eumenides!”

(sorry, it’s a cheap pun…)

hope springs eternal, but you have to be careful when you play with springs…
(it’s my very own sig! look!)

52

Another from the Bullwer-Lytton site:

“Forced by rising costs and lagging demand to make their leading product out of a cheaper metal, Hoosier Love, Inc. found that a special treatment process was needed to clean and coat their Indy 500 memento, a tiny fake-jewel-studded replica of an Offenhauser engine on a jeweler’s chain, to protect it from the corrosive effect of chlorine, a process that appeared in the ISO 9000 Manufacturer’s Manual under the title, “The Dechloration of Indy Pendants.”
–Tom Rohde, Minneapolis, MN”

… sigh …

–I am Soren Kierkegaard.–
“People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.”

53

Since Ghandi walked on bare feet so much, he had very hard soles. He also didn’t eat much which made him frail. Because he wasn’t the best groomer, he had bad breath. And he meditated many times a day.

He was a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

54

A scientist came up with the bright idea of creating a clone of himself, to do all the things he needed to do but didn’t want to or have time for.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out. From the onset, the clone was incredibly rude and profane, his foul words getting the man fired from his job and breaking up his marriage.

Unable to take it anymore, the man took his genetic copy for a long drive to the top of a mountain, and asked him to look over the edge. As he looked over, saying, ‘What the f*** am I supposed to be looking for?’ the man pushed him over the edge to his death.

He then was, of course, arrested and charged with making an obscene clone fall.
One more …

Three pieces of rope decided to go to a movie. The first piece walks to the window and says, “Ticket, please.” The guy says, “Sorry, we don’t allow pieces of rope in here.”

Refusing to take no for an answer, the second piece of rope tries. He is also rebuked by the counter guy.

The third piece of rope thinks, then contorts himself and starts picking at his ends. He then walks to the counter and asks for a ticket.

Suspicious, the counter guy says, “Weren’t you just with those other pieces of rope?”

And the rope replied: I’m a frayed knot.

Give me immortality, or give me death!

55

Heh, heh, heh, good one, here’re some more!!!

A three legged dog walks into a bar and says I’m looking for the man who shot my paw. . .

A horse walks into a bar and says “Hey, Bartender!”

A horse walks into a bar, the bartender looks at him and says: “Why such a long face!”

“To be great is to be misunderstood” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

56

A bear from Biloxi walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at him and says “We don’t serve bears from Biloxi beer here”
The bear, indignant (of course), demands a beer.
The bartender just looks at him and says “We don’t serve bears from Biloxi beer here.”
The bear, irate (of course), curses the bartender while demanding a beer.
The bartender just looks at him and says “We don’t serve bears from Biloxi beer here.”
The bear, quite perturbed at this point (of course), informs the bartender: “Do you see that woman sitting at the end of the bar? If I don’t get a beer, I’ll eat her!”
The bartender just looks at him and says “We don’t serve bears from Biloxi beer here.”
So. . . the bear goes to the end of the bar and eats the woman. He then goes back to his stool and requests a beer.
The bartender just looks at him and says “We don’t serve bears from Biloxi, who do drugs beer here.”
The bear is outraged and screams “I DON’T DO DRUGS!”
The bartender just looks at him and says “You do now, that was a bar bitch you ate!”

“To be great is to be misunderstood” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

57

This one came of my birthday card:

The strangest thing happened to me on the golf course yesterday. I was just about to tee off when a nude man jumped out from behind a tree, the the driver from out of my hands and grabbed the 3 wood and 4 wood from my golf bag. No kidding, he was stark naked! He threw all 3 clubs on the ground and sat on them, which, of course, prompted me to ask myself, “Do I hope you have a happy birthday?” Does a bare sit on the woods?

And another one:

The Datsun car factory in Melbourne was very short on gearboxes and frantically phoned the Nissan Motor Company in Japan to send more supplies. So a load of transmission components was urgently dispatched to Australia by air freight. Unfortunately, the shipping container was not properly secured in the hold and broke free when the plane hit some turbulence over the Outback. It slammed against the cargo bay door, causing the container to break open and spill its contents onto the floor, where they were sucked out throught the door which had been burst open. Farmer Brown and his wife were asleep in the homestead below, and were woken by an almighty clatter on the roof. When the farmer went outside to investigate, he yelled to his wife, “Hey Ethel, you better come out here, it’s raining Datsun cogs!”

Knock softly but firmly, 'cause I like soft firm knockers…

58

A church decides to have a whitewash. All the volunteers gather around as the priest brings out the paint cans.

As they get close to a third of the way finished painting, one of the volunteers notices that the paint is alsmost gone. The priest tess him to simply add some water to the paint, and stretch it out.

Two thirds of the way through the painting, the paint is again running low. The priest again waters the paint down, and the painting resumes.

they have just enough paint to finish the church, even though the dregs are more water than anything else. Just as the last stroke is brushed on, thunderclouds gather overhead, and a torrent of rain washes down on the church, and doesn’t stop until all of the paint is washed away.

Then, the clouds part, and a voice spaketh:

"REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!"

Heh. Heh heh. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

59

What about the oldest, best, and still funniest pun in the world:

Person 1: Boy, it is raining cats and dogs outside!

Person 2: Really, are you sure?

Persons 1: Sure I’m sure. I just stepped in a poodle!

A classic.

Eissclam

60

Please, oh Please, Stop the Pun-ishment!!!

If knowledge is power, then just call me PEPCO.