That’s right, you need some competition and I’m throwing in my hat into the ring.
My opponent has already picked his stool pidgeons before the election. Why in my campaign these positions will be filled the old fashion way: Bribery.
I propose we have a virtual debate. Mind you when I am not busy with toxic waste removal, smiting talk shows and working with an educational program on toddlers that will revolutionalize the world,I can only get here usually late in the evening. Oh, and * I * invented the internet, did I mention that?
Forget about such issues as Foreign Policy, National Debt and the like. My Platform will deal with the real life issues of real people.
The Old Navy Lady and Martha Stewart will be publically executed during my inaugeral speech as a part of my Keep America Beautiful promise.
Immigrants applying for citizenship in this country must prove they can speak and read english.
When the Sing of the Star Spangled banner is done before every sporting event the local talent signing this national treasure cannot razzle dazzle it up to the point where the song goes into double overtime.
Regis Philbin will be appointed as the Ambassador to the Middle East. ( If he can tolerate Kathie Lee all these years without coming to blows, he’ll iron out the wrinkles in Arafats table cloth cum head gear in no time.)
There will be a moratorium imposed on the following jobs and businesses: Lawyers, TCBY’s, New Game Shows, Reality Based TV shows, Dollar Stores and Under Ten Bucks For A Cut Hair Salons.
Free liposuction for all registered voters. (Permitted by a large donation to my campaign by the Plastic Surgeons of Guatamala.)
Free halloween pumpkins for all school age children.
Public prayer allowed in school and football games at the same time as public throwing of rotten fruit and veggies.
9)Celebratory touch down dances in the end zone, performed outside playoff games or SuperBowl, would result in the immediate bitch slapping of the athlete.
Yoots of America who cannot wear their baseball caps correctly or pants on the proper position on their hips will be subjected to walking through the freezer section at the local IGA wearing only the underwear his Mom bought him for his birthday while the local Britney/Heather/Amber cheerleader squad looks on.
People who attend Monster Truck Pulls because they beleive them to be a sporting and/or cultural event will be drugged and sterlized.
This is just the tip of the iceberg!
UJEST For PREZ!
A Vote For Shirley Is Like Voting For Yourself!
Hey, hey, hey, now! I believe you are forgetting one very important candidate, who threatens to beat you all! You know, of course, that I am referring to steeljaw! Yes, steeljaw. Just check it out: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=35896
As his vp, I am outraged that you have excluded him from the proceedings. Shame on you!
Okay, give me a few minutes to start a new thread to invite the candidates and get their input on the ground rules. I’m also going to ask the Teeming Millions to submit their suggestions for queries to the candidates. I’ll give that a couple days and then I’ll post the introduction, the agreed upon ground rules and we’ll get the actual “debate” underway. This could be fun.
Looking at the past threads, I believe Spoofe Bo Diddly, steeljaw, and Tripler have declared. As well as Shirley, of course.
You are on!! Beer, set up the debate, and I’ll be there!
And as for you, Shirley, polish up yer platform cause I represent the real American Dream.
And just a few policy matters:
A brand new Javelin ATGM (anti-tank guided missiles) issued with every new domestic car, for use during traffic jams, or when that idiot in the fast lane goes too damn slow.
Beer will be made mandatory at every barbecue function. Government subsidies for microbreweries will be available, and homebrew kits will be furnished free of charge to all who apply.
The US and Canada will no longer fear the specter of nuclear annihilation from a rogue state. Beginning this November, I will plan for a unilateral disarmament of all other non-NATO countries, reducing any weapons of mass destruction to be replaced with lemon meringue pies.
Regis will be shot. I don’t want to be a millionaire, 'cause we are all smarter than those people on the show anyway.
Late night works better for me too. Best to do this when I’m not at work . . .
Tripler, you couldn’t run pantyhose properly, much less our great Country of the USof A. Leave the running to the gal who can get the job done while looking great as she is dropping the bomb on some small insignificant country.
The Apathetic Party which I am not only the founder, but a proud card carrying member,has many wide and varied stances on subjects that MY cowardly opponents will not discuss:
I propose having beer declared a food group. Perhaps bread, because of the yeast, although it could be Vegetable because of the hops, I suppose. I would make it mandatory to have it served to school children and factory workers.
Free menstrual cups for women.
I also propose trunk tanks being installed in schools. No one will notice factory workers productivity declining. Our cars and whatnot would probably operate just the same.
I am very firm on one issue that touches every red blooded Americans existance. Something that irritates us all to our last nerve, yes, it is a red hot topic, How To Get Rid of the Subscribtion Card Thingies In Magazines. These things should be eradicated and I am the woman to make this happen.
I also would make prostitution legal.
Uncle Beer, my position on Big Time Rassling has not been determined until my fact finders have coached me.