Occassionally, we’ve all been in that situation where you’re out in public with your girlfriend and some guy doesn’t realize she’s attached, and tries hitting on her. This always leads to the question “Do I step in and make it clear she’s not available?” (politely of course). This is no easy question, as in the past, I’ve had girlfriends that would be offended, as if I didn’t trust them. On the other hand, I’ve had girlfriends that would be offended if I didn’t step in and say something.
In general, I’ve always felt that my girlfriends are trustworthy and independent and can easily chase off would-be flirters on their own. If some guy gets too insistent or is generally being a jerk, I can step in, but otherwise, why make her feel like I don’t trust her or I don’t feel she’s strong-willed enough to chase them off on her own. This philosophy has gotten me into trouble in the past, though, as there have been situations where some guy would start up light flirting (but remaining polite and non-threatening) with the girl I’m with, and she wouldn’t do anything to stop it, until finally she’d get pissed at me and snarl “Why don’t you say something?”
So my question is, ladies, what do you general prefer? Should your guy hang back until the petitioner gets a little too rude, or should he step in right away? I’m curious how the majority feels about this, because whenever I guess wrong, it gets me in trouble.
It doesn’t matter what the majority prefers; it matters what your girlfriend prefers. I’d suggest asking her before you go somewhere that sort of thing is likely to happen, early on in the relationship.
If it’s friendly, innocent hitting, let the girl handle it herself. If the guy is really drunk and obnoxious, or is getting physical, it’s probably a good idea to step in. I’ve been in that situation, and I don’t like when my date makes me feel like property, but if I’m truly in distress, it’s nice to have a knight in shining armor to whisk me away from the bad guy.
I think CrazyCatLady got it in one. Every woman has a different comfort zone. Your SO is the only one who can tell you what hers is. I think she’d be happy to know that her preference is important to you.
I think CrazyCatLady has the right idea. It’s also good to know whether your girlfriend has been too well trained in being a Nice Girl (read “too polite to tell someone to leave her alone”); when that’s the case, she may need your help in getting rid of intrusive guys.
I would not take my boyfriend’s stepping in as untrusting; I would consider it flattering that he thought it was worth making an effort to a) protect me and b) hold on to me (as a girl friend). My vote is for stepping up, YMMV.
this is something to take into consideration. My wife is a very nice women, can be slightly naive at times, but she likes her comfort zone. I am 6’2" 220lbs blond hair green eyes, she’s 5’10" light brown hair blue eyes…We kinda fit together. If anyone were to flirt with her, she’d most likely just look at me. I’d look at him, and that’d be the end of it. It’s happened once or twice in the past…
But really, feminism in my opinion can go too far, so can masculinism. If I defend my wife from a would-be flirter, she would never look at me and say, “Why on earth dd you do that!! don’t you think I can take care of myself?”
Reason: She and I have a mutual respect for one another, a well defined respect. She know’s I’d never leave her to fend for herself in a bad situation, but that I would be right there for her in an uncomfortable situation…Plain and simple in my eyes.
The difficulty isn’t that different women have different preferences, it’s that some women will think a guy is a jerk if the way he acts in such a situation doesn’t conform to her personal preferences.
Most women I’ve dated like the “knight in shining armor” idea of me protecting them from other guys hitting on them. However, most women I’ve dated also fail to notice when guys are hitting on them; they think the guy is “just being friendly” even when he’s oozing sliminess from every pore. When the guy says “Hey, I give great massages, I can give you a full-body massage later” the proper response is not “That sounds great!” Yes, she actually said that.
I’ve gotten “Why didn’t you rescue me from him?” when my date was chatting up a storm with someone. How was I to know she wanted rescuing when she was willingly making conversation?
Another time she was being offered a drink by a guy, and she said “No, I don’t think I should have another.” He was insistent, so I stepped in and said “She said she didn’t want it.” So what does she do? She says “Well, okay, I’ll have the drink.” Way to stab your would-be rescuer in the back.
These days, I tell my wife she’s on her own. If she needs rescuing, she can yell for help, otherwise I’m not stepping in.
Definately depends on the woman. I’ve found that when a person comes up and talks a bit, that’s fine. When it gets to a “buy you a drink?” or “Waitress, she’ll have another” (while pulling out the wallet) I say “I’m sorry,I’m with someone- I wouldn’t feel right.” I’ve never had to get my husband to chase someone off- it’s not a big deal, reallly. Just say “I’m not interested/I don’t accept drinks, dances, or flowers from strangers…etc” whatever it takes.
Personally, I would rather try to take care of the situation myself, and rebuff the enamored gently so as not to come off like a bitch. If for whatever reason that didn’t work, then I’d ask my s/o for some assistance.
You question is just not answerable- your date may prefer different responses on different days even.
I did use flirting women as a kind of test on my BF’s when dating. I would not intervene (unless I got a ‘help’ signal). I figured I needed to know how my date would respond when hit on by someone.
Well, if pointedly ignoring them didn’t work, or “F off, I’m not interested” wasn’t getting through, I might need some help.
But I’d rather handle it myself and not upset irishfella.
He doesn’t react well to me being hassled.
