Quick adult retorts to snide kid comments?

Let’s share some adult retorts to those snide kid comments about your height, hair, age, etc.

For example: ‘I might have a receeding hairline but I get more sex than you.’ (Might be Fun to say back to teenage boys.) Or, ‘I have an apple (point under the chin) where you have a peanut’
(Useful retort to teenage boys who still have a child’s voice). ‘I don’t give lessons.’ Adults can use this on teenagers who make some snide sexual remark.

I’m sure there are more, I sure could use some. they are fun.

To a snotty stick thin girl wearing hip huggers and a half shirt, " I was like you once, then I got a real job. Muwhahahahaha!"

There’s always the perennial favorite, “Kid” (or “punk”, depending on the hostility level), “I’ve been doing this since before you were born!”
Sadly, I am now growing old enough that I can say this to my junior colleagues…truthfully :frowning: .

“Kings die, and leave their crowns to their sons. Shmuel HaKatan took all the treasures in the world, and went away.”

For teenagers, I’ve always found a faux-solicitous “Isn’t it past your bedtime?” to be effective as a retort to almost any snide remark.

“I’ve got ulcers/socks/scars older than you.”

And one for confrontational little snots, “Don’t start with me boy, I’ve taken shits bigger than you.”

Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

NewKid: How long have you been working here?

Me: Your whole life.

Tris: Good one!

The time I was visiting a museum with my mother and a small child told her to “zip it” (we were discussing the exhibit), I was so shocked I couldn’t say anything. Fortunately, mom didn’t hear it…but the alleged parents did, and: did nothing! Wish I had a comeback for that that would have zinged the parents, too.

Anyone see Fried Green Tomatoes a few yrs back? Had one good scene: Kathy Bates is trying to back into a parking space. A convertible w/ 2 twenty-somethings chicks pulls in right in front of her. “Face it lady, we’re younger and faster” They say. Bates reverses and smashes into their car. “Face it girls, I’m older and have more insurance.”
When my stepniece (14 yrs) starts her too-cool-for-you bit, I just tell her that my car is paid for. OOOH I hate kids.

I’ll be there
Where I’ll teach what I’ve been taught
And I’ve been taught…

Not to be snide, folks, but this topic really belongs in MPSIMS.


MPSIMS – home of rejected General Questions.


I should point out that there’s no such thing as a quick adult retort, especially once senility sets in around age 30.

Nothing irks the teenagers in my life more than being called “Teenager”. As in, “Oh, Teenager, could you bring me my smokes?” “Teenager, would you be a dear and regrout my bathroom tiles?”

It’s subtle, but so far it’s served it’s purpose.

One that always sends them away fuming when they interrupt a conversation with a snide remark: “Grown-ups are talking, now!”

One that’s always worked for me:

“I used to think/act that way when I was your age.”

J’ai assez vécu pour voir que différence engendre haine.

My mother ought to give lessons on how to put down annoying teenagers. On one memorable occasion, we were waiting in line at a music store when a pair of teenaged girls in line behind us decided to make fun of her-- one of those “we’re young and hip, you aren’t” sort of things.

The conversation somehow got around to Fleetwood Mac (this was after they released their reunion CD):

Girl: I don’t suppose you know Fleetwood Mac?

Mom: You know Stevie Nicks?

Girl: No.

Mom: Well, dear-- (tosses her hair) you don’t know Fleetwood Mac.

Okay, so maybe you had to be there for the hair toss. But it really pissed off the two girls, and it didn’t help that I was laughing my ass off.
– Sylence

And now, for my next trick, I will talk in spooky half-references.

This is one that applies to kids somewhat younger, but it’s a winner. I saw it in a supermarket once, when a kid (about seven years old) was whining about getting some toy.

DAD: No, you can’t have that.

KID: But I WANT it!!!

DAD: People in hell want ice water.

UncleBeer-----that was a classic! Oh, dear, oh dear…I’m still wiping the tears off my face! May I use that? Please? :slight_smile:

Pickman, be my guest.

Dopeler effect:
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

I used to piss off one teenage co-worker by telling her “Come back when you’re ripe, and I’ll listen to ya.”

Obvious way to piss off a teenager: call them “child”.

I’ve also been known to use “I’ve forgotten more about (the subject) than you’ve ever learned.”

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.