Seek to eschew obfuscation.
There are 2 types of people: those who divide people into 2 different types, and those who don’t.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check?
I.R.S.: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got!
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.
Always remember you’re unique…Just like everyone else.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Better living through denial.
Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done.
Ambivalent? Well yes and no…
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
How do I set the laser printer to stun?
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet!
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
Back up my hard drive? I didn’t even know it could go in reverse.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
How can i miss you if you won’t go away?
I’m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
2 + 2 = 5 for large values of 2.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Have you lived here all your life? Not yet.
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
An item put in a “safe place” will never be seen again.
Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the Client is watching.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
There is always a way, and it usually doesn’t work.
If instructions can be misunderstood, they probably have been.
Falling trees have the right of way.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those with telekinetic powers raise my hand.
Taxation with representation ain’t so hot, either!
Gravity - It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!
Why be difficult, when, with a little effort, you can be impossible?
All I want is, less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
The Energizer Bunny was arrested and charged with battery.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love thy neighbor, but don’t get caught.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you’ve obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened?
