And when I look upon your face
I would that we were in some place
Where you could be my pet
My dove
So live with me
And be my vole.
Be my vole? Hang on-- that can’t be right.
(-K. Moon, “Poetry Cornered”)
Xena: “So…you prayed to Aphrodite for help from me?”
Villager: “Well…no. Actually, I was hoping for Hercules. Or at least Sinbad!”
Bart: Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?
Homer: Well, whaddya think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of “No TV and No Beer Make Homer something, something.”
Marge: Go crazy?
Homer: DON’T MIND IF I DO!
Kirk Van Houten: I sleep in a racing car do you?
Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.
Kirk: Oh, yeah.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
It was either this or bikini Boba Fett and I don’t think the world is ready for that kind of sexy.
Hijinks Ensue
This must be something I’ve always wanted. Otherwise, it wouldn’t suck so much to finally have it.
Something Positive
You never know when some crazed rodent with cold feet might be running loose in your pants.
Calvin and Hobbes
Darn, the yak is loose again. Get my bazooka.
Okay, Okay, I take it back. Unfuck you.
…and I’m not sure why, but I remember licking a toaster. It wasn’t mine.
We’ve been through so much together and most of it was your fault.
You’ve loved me in a way I’ve never been loved before…and I hope I never get loved like that again.
No, it’s when fire comes out that you should worry.
Homer: Hmmmm…Free goo.
“Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.”
“OK Mr. Burns, what’s your first name?”
pause
“I don’t know.”
Major League:
Eddie Harris: “Are you trying to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curve ball?”
I would put a few down from The Princess Bride, but I’d have to quote the entire movie.
Ah, you kids are so funny. In my day, the deal was for 12 LPs . . .
“I’m sorry your mom blew up Ricky.”
Lady Astor: Wnston, if you were my husband I would give you poison.
Churchill: Nancy, if you were my wife I’d drink it.
“Everyone generalizes from one example. At least, I do.” – Vlad Taltos, from Steven Brust’s Issola
Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we’re haggling about price.
“One thing is for sure, the sheep is not a creature of the air. They have enormous difficulty in the comparatively simple act of perchin’. (Baaa baaa… flap flap flap … whoosh … thud.) Trouble is, sheep are very dim. Once they get an idea in their ‘eads, there’s no shiftin’ it.” – Monty Python
Saw the South Park episode with the Jackin’ it in San Diego song.
Stan stripping down on the corner.
The three singers reminded me of the Jordanaires, which made it even funnier to me.
I swear, with God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.
Sinbad talking about his mother beating the crap out of him. After it was all over she put her arm around his shoulders and said “Come on, honey. Let’s go look for your eye.”
This quote has been cited many times in ‘funny lines’ threads. Since I’ve never seen WKRP in Cincinnati why is this funny?
Shears: Do your intelligence people know what happened to that Colonel Nicholson?
Warden No
Shears. The man had the guts of a maniac. The Japanese were about to shoot him and
he didn’t bat an eyelash.
Warden I suppose if you are about to be shot, there isn’t a great deal you can do.
Groucho Marx “Duck Soup”
I’ll see my lawyer about this as soon as he graduates from law school.
I’m not going to spoiler it because the show was on 30 years ago.
The episode was about WKRP’s Thanksgiving Day promotion. The station general manager, Arthur Carlson, had a supersecret sure fire promotional idea. It was so supersecret he didn’t share his idea with the station’s staff.
The promotion involved a live broadcast from a shopping mall parking lot. Uptight news man Less Nessman was during the remote broadcast from the scene, while cool dj Johnny Fever hosted the show from back at the station.
A helicopter flew over the lot and Nessman announced, small round objects had been released from the copter. The objects turned out to be live turkeys, who crashed landed into the parking lot. Nessman was aghast. Fever said, “They’re bombing the parking lot with turkeys!!”
When Carlson got back to the station he said the immortal line, “With God as my witness I thought turkeys could fly.”
It was hilarious.