“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”
-Frank Sinatra
“I can see Russia from my house!”
~VOW
“You can’t really…dust…for vomit.”
-Nigel Tufnel
“Spock! Are you outta your Vulcan mind?!?”
- Leonard McCoy
Zartan, disguised as a shock reporter, is shown the supercomputer at GI Joe headquarters
Zartan: Couldn’t you use this computer to solve world hunger?
Shipwreck: What, feed the world a bunch of floppy disks?
Burt Reynolds: “I’m sitting here with just a mustache and memories of last night.”
“It was very good of the Almighty to let the Carlyles marry one another, for only two people were made miserable, instead of four.” Samuel Butler
There was a roar like the scream of a camel who has just seen two bricks.
“We took pity on him because he’d lost both parents at an early age. I think that, on reflection, we should have wondered a bit more about that.”
In fact, the mere act of opening the box will determine the state of the cat, although in this case there were three determinate states the cat could be in: these being Alive, Dead, and Bloody Furious.
Pratchett is always good for this stuff.
First of all, which book is that from?
Second, what the hell does it mean?
Lieutenant George: Oh, sir, if we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?
Captain Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump up 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.
Probably this joke:
Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
And all the other boys, try to chase
But here’s my number, so call me maybe
Before you came into my life I missed you so bad
I missed you so bad…
Funniest crap I’ve ever heard.
Never, Marge. Never. I can’t live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I’ll never be the darling of the so-called “City Fathers” who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about “What’s to be done with this Homer Simpson?”
Wadsworth: “You WERE jealous that your husband was schtupping Yvette. That’s why you killed him, too!”
Mrs. White: "Yes. Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her, SO much… it-it- the f - it -flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breathl- heaving breaths. Heaving breaths… Heaving… "
Dear God I swear I just nearly choked on a piece of fried chicken when I read that!
Judge: Have you reached a verdict?
Juror: Yes, your honor. We find the defendant … quilty.
Judge: Quilty?
Juror [squints at note]: Oops, that’s guilty. Sorry, the g looks like a q.
Father Ted: Now concentrate this time, Dougal. These
[points to some plastic cows on the table]
Father Ted: are very small; those
[pointing at some cows out of the window]
Father Ted: are far away…
Troy McClure: But for that ending to work, you’d have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence. And that would be downright nutty.
“if you cant find anything nice to say about anyone… wait til they have left the room…”
“Yeah! Like who wouldn’t want a shower made out of gold?!”
Groo: You are too late to make a fool of Groo!