It’s funny hitting that point in life where you realise that clearly you probably will never starve but you’ll probably never do anything that merits even a footnote in anyone’s account of anything ever again. I just took a government job, it is amazing how mundane and pointless my role is. I am a smart enough guy, I felt, in the past I could achieve things. Feels like as good a time as any to give up such pretensions and just batten down for the inevitable massive heart attack.
See, you say you’re giving up pretensions and then you use words like “batten”.
FWIW I recognize you as writing posts that I consistently appreciate. Hope you feel better.
Midlife crisis huh?
This is why people have kids.
I drive through the suburbs (I live in a rural area) and constantly get that shock of how many people are in the world and how little we manage to achieve or to make a difference. I get that “mote” feeling and realise I’m just another one of the nothing people, one of the extras in life that didn’t get a line in the film, let alone my name in the credits!
Yes, this is surely one of the most important themes/trends as one’s life-path evolves. For me, it’s a very gradual process – there’s no sudden realization, as you seem to have experienced (more or less), but rather a daily reduction in the percentage chance that one will ever be “famous” or “important” (not the perfect words for what you’re describing, but close enough).
Luckily, this tends to be partly counterbalanced by a growing sense of the value of one’s actions even without fame. This awareness can become particularly vivid as one contributes to the raising of a child, but also in many other ways (and you needn’t ever be a parent to feel it).
It’s funny how one looks to people who accomplished things older than oneself for hope, and curses those who accomplished things younger than oneself…but of course the first list gets shorter and shorter, while the second list gets longer and longer. Grandma Moses didn’t start painting great art until she was 80! There’s still hope for me! But wait…the guy who wrote, directed, and shot the excellent recent film “Whiplash” just turned 30 a week ago! Drat!
God, I can’t think of anything worse than having kids.
Just be done with it and get a big, red sports car.
I reached that point, and then I realised that what I wanted to achieve actually wasn’t related to my job. Its easy to think that the things we want to do all come from our career, from working hard to climb a career ladder and so get the rewards. Then people find themselves working a crap job and think that they have failed. But why exactly does a mundane job automatically mean everything else in your life has stalled? There are a lot of other hours in the day after all.
It wasn’t until I was in my thirties that I realised that I didn’t actually want to put the effort into climbing any career ladder, that I had no interest in working hard to be the best that I could be in the workplace. I still work hard, thats my upbringing, but I realised that the things that make me happy weren’t connected to my career, they were getting out every weekend doing actual fun things, meeting new people and doing some of the craziest activites I could find. I am happier just doing my weeks work and getting paid, knowing thats its just a way to finance my real lifestyle.
Now my perception of my job has changed. It isn’t my life and it doesn’t define me, and its not where my achievements are. Achievements outside of work still count you know.
I hit that in my early 30s. But yeah, it sucks. The sense of overwhelming mediocrity some have called it.
As others have said, that is why some people have kids. Kids add meaning and responsibility back. I don’t want them myself, I’ll just play with other people’s kids.
I wonder what role evolution plays in this. We evolved in tribes of about 50-200 people. So you’d assume if living in a group that small, there is likely something you could do better than anyone else. In a world of 7 billion people, not so much.
Me too. I think some people may be important and meaningful, but I’m just filler. It’s cool.
I’ve taken a number of leadership roles in business and personal pursuits and just really didn’t enjoy it.
I know for certain that the choices I’ve made have not been the best path towards fame or fortune but knowing what I know now I’m downright thrilled that I made them.
I’m with you. Whenever I’m feeling melancholy about my lack of achievement, I just remind myself that I’m just one of the billions forming the vast backdrop against which true greatness can be contrasted.
Then I go somewhere and drink too much and shout at people at bus stops.
I think I could easily be prone to a midlife crisis. I dealt with it by going back to school, graduating last year, and currently looking for a new position. I will never change the world, but I can change myself.
Thing is, even Ozymandias is forgotten. The greatest and the smallest both fade to nothing eventually.
Just know that you’re not alone; we all suffer the same fate, even those who you imagine might not.
Agreed. I started running at age 35 after being lazy and sedentary my whole life and now I run half-marathons and the occasional marathon. My retirement plan is to train for Boston. I may have a soul-crushing office cubicle job but the rest of my life is awesome.
You only get one life, make it worthwhile however you can.
I was lucky. I achieved my childhood dream by the time I was 30, and know I will be listed in various reference books for a long time after I’m gone.
I also have a great daughter.
You aren’t of Historical Significance™ - yep, that sucks.
So now you have to recalibrate. Being a Good Parent™ can be an obvious place to hang your hat, because kids’ memories are another version of “living on in history.” Doesn’t make it right for someone not interested in kids - but easy to see why folks who do go there.
I have found that my recalibration has focused on my kids, yes, but also on my own stuff. Am I living an Examined Life? Am I treating myself and others with Trust and Respect? Am I Not Sweating the Small Stuff? Of the Opportunities I have been given, can I point to one or two that I got right? Getting stuff like that right is a LOT harder than tossing off clichés and, when I am getting it right, can be incredibly rewarding.
You hate kids, and you believed the Hollywood cliché that you’d grow up to be “the one.”
Maybe happiness and maturity will be more satisfactory than noteworthiness.
Point of order! Not wanting to have kids - even reacting with horror at the thought of having them - doesn’t necessarily mean we hate kids. I react the same way to having kids and I love kids. I just don’t want any of my own. shudder
I didn’t know that “I felt, in the past I could achieve things” actually meant "grow up to be “the one.”
Or that “I can’t think of anything worse than having kids.” actually meant “You hate kids.”
Thanks for showing me that my english was broken.