That would be a huuuuge relief. I would far rather he left everything to someone else.
I don’t know how it works in New York, but my brother’s father in law died intestate; my father and my grandfather died having wills. In the in-law’s case, they had a much longer wait until the heirs could take posession than in ours; Mom had full posession of her flat in three months but only because that’s how long my uncle took to file everything (she and Dad had each other as “universal heir unless precedent, in which case our children get to split things three ways - play nice, you three!”); Grandma had full posession in less than one month even though the process was a bit more complicated in her case (different jurisdiction, the children’s unremovable part is larger and both my mother and aunt renounced its use and posession “to be received again after [their] mother’s death”); Bro’s inlaws could not even start filing until six months after the death.
Having a will can make things a lot easier even if all it says is “my stuff to be divided among my relatives according to law”.
Would there be any use in suggesting to him that he draw up a will and name his sister heir as a thank you for all she’s done for him?
If he’s intestate, and the OP disclaims her right to any inheritance, then it goes (I think) evenly among the siblings.
Which the OP may or may not care about - but if she wants the aunt to get the bulk, then I think she would need to take it and then gift it to her. A lawyer could advise better.
And the dad refusing to make a will because it would all go to her anyway… actually I assume he cou;ld make a will and leave it elsewhere. To the best of my knowledge, while you can’t completely cut your spouse off in many states, you can certainly cut your kids off.
My knee-jerk on this is that the OP could take the estate, hire the aunt as executor and pay the aunt a hefty fee for same (since the aunt is local), and keep a chunk in lieu of all the lost child support. Hell, if dad left the money elsewhere you might even be able to lay a legal claim against the estate for back child support.
I’m not really sure what to say. I kind of want to say..so? I know my mom was tough on my dad and me. But it was kind of his job to stick up for me. I was just a teen and didn’t have the resources.
So what’s forcing you to deal with it? Just ignore the whole thing.
You can’t just give people jobs and hold them accountable for it. If he did not have the ability to stick up for you, it’s not fair to blame him for not having done so.
Again, I don’t know your specific situation. But in a lot of cases, a parent can just be plain emotionally abusive, out of anger, frustration, whatever. The other parent interfering is not going to change it, and may make it worse. Especially if the other parent is the father, in which case even divorce isn’t a viable option (since the mother would likely gain primary custody).
You like to think that the other parent “should have done something”, but that’s life. Sometimes there’s nothing that can be done.
And that, Fotheringay-Phipps, is exactly why so many people on this board don’t give a flying fuck about their parents. There’s nothing to be done … so why should I do anything now?
Switch the parental genders and you could have written this for me. I’m still struggling a bit, in fact - I can tell you my father’s going to be one of those Type-A middle-management types who keels over from a heart attack shortly after retiring, but my mother will hang on, growing ever more bitter and hateful, for decades, needing ever more care and telling everyone around her that her ungrateful daughter refuses to provide any of that care…
When I type it out like that, it seems logical and simple: fuck 'em. But …
Sure. That’s why he’s not moving in with me, and he can just take care of himself.
There’s nothing that can be done. That’s just life.
You know the saying, when assholes are dying, it doesn’t turn them into saints, it turns them into dying assholes.
As far as the aunt, you aren’t responsible for her choices. We sort of went though this with when my grandmother started to get unable to take care of herself at 99 years old. (A major difference is that Grandma was a sweet old lady and not a jerk.)
My mom wanted to take care of her, rather than have her go to an assisted residence, but my mom was 75 at the time, and couldn’t do it all. She wanted others in the family to help out, but as my uncle pointed out, they couldn’t. Looking back, I should have suggested that they get more paid help and charge to the estate.
Don’t feel at all guilty. Keep in mind that your aunt’s choices are her choices, not choices that you need to react to. And take a deep breath, my brother in law just died of bladder cancer, I suspect you have a few more months at most to get through.
Sometimes I think that being the tertiary party in a drama is no fun…I did it for my brother in law, I did it when my sister went through rehab - my job was to support those who were supporting the person having the problems. You get no credit for that job, and if you lay yourself out to be the doormat, you’ll get used as one because everyone’s attention is somewhere else. I did a good job setting boundaries with my own family, and they did a good job respecting them - family dynamics there are pretty well understood by everyone - but my mother in law and I, that one broke - which is a shame, she’s a wonderful woman and so am I, but supergluing it back together isn’t going to return it to healthy.
Just a note about the will. Honestly, for a small estate with few assets, and particularly for one with only a single heir, a will doesn’t make any difference, and may in fact make things more difficult. I say this not as a lawyer, but as someone who has administered one estate and helped my sister administer two others. At least this is the case in WI and IL, where the three estates were located.
Without a will, the state government has very clear and straightforward guidelines about how the estate is to be divided. If you are the sole heir, it will all go to you. If your father writes a will, Og knows what kind of strange provisions he might put into it, or who he might decide to make a beneficiary. And if you or your aunt end up administering the estate, you will be duty-bound to carry out his wishes, which you may not be happy about at all.
The really helpful thing he could do now, if he’s willing, is get to your name onto his bank accounts, so you will have immediate access to his cash (assuming he has any on hand) to handle expenses like a burial, or cleaning out his house. Otherwise, you won’t be able to get hold of the money until a court recognizes you as the administrator of the estate, and you may have to front quite a bit of money for those things. If he doesn’t have cash available, you’ll need to either find a funeral home or cemetary that will bill you – and if you can’t pay any bills until the house is sold, that may be quite a wait.
Say it. Say it. Say it. Then say it again. If he’s already in the hospital, his physical needs are taken care of. She must be there for his emotional needs, which, it seems, are limited to abusing someone.
You have no obligation to be his whipping girl.
Dialysis patients are, in general, whiny and needy. They are physically miserable, but the alternative, of dying without it, are worse.
Mean thought: You could always [spoiler]send him a bunch of bananas*
*rich in potassium that, in excess, will cause a heart arrhythmia leading to death, without emergency dyalysis. [/spoiler]
Quick update.
My father has been admitted to a nursing home for the remainder of his hospice. The doctors have told my aunt that we’re “getting near the end of things” but they don’t have any estimates of how long he might have.
My aunt hasn’t asked me for any help, but I have been sending her a check every payday to help cover her travel expenses.
The state will be taking his house to pay for his nursing home stay. My aunt, who has co-power-of-attorney is doing all the paperwork.
I have to admit that signing over the house to the state is a huge relief. I won’t have to deal with trying to sell it, settling the estate, etc, because when he dies he’ll have nothing but personal property. Without real property or money in the bank there will be no estate. I am so relieved. My aunt doesn’t have a date yet for when the house is being signed over, but when we know that I will go to help her retrieve anything we want to keep, and if the state requires that the house be empty we’ll rent a big dumpster and make some trips to the charity shops to drop stuff off.
I would think that would depend on how long he hangs on in the nursing home. A house can last a while before it gets spent, and I would think the state will pay you (i.e. the estate) back the remainder.
Shhhh! Don’t rain on my parade, dude! 
Just a little more than a year ago I was in the same situation. Me and my father had been estranged for a long time, and then I found out he was dying. In my case it was my sister who was being dutiful and visiting this very unpleasant man. I posted about it at the time, if you want to search under my user name.
I was uncertain because of some of the same issues you are facing. He lives 1000 miles from me and I didn’t really want to spend my time and money visiting an unpleasant man who’d had no positive impact on my life. On the other hand I felt like a bad daughter if I didn’t at least visit a dying old man.
In the end, I suddenly got word that he was in his final days or hours, and I immediately got a plane ticket to go see him. He died about an hour before I got there, and I was quietly relieved that I didn’t have to see him.
I don’t have any real advice, but I’m feeling your pain. It’s difficult.
My grandpa died a couple years ago, and he had a will. And they still haven’t gotten around to doing anything with his estate. They know the house won’t sell. And so we’ve basically just forgotten about it (the estate, not my grandfather. He was a good man).
Even bad people die, the process of illness does not turn a bad person into a good one.
Don’t feel any guilt, this man is not/was not your father.
Just someone who knew your mum for a little while.
I found that Best Buy wil take some electronics like DVD players for recycling; give them a call and see if they can take the old computers off your hands.
Interesting, thanks! I will give them a call.