Really need some help/support, not sure what to do.

Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)
1

I really am in a situation here that I’m not sure how to handle.

Please bare with me as this is a long tale and I will keep it as brief as possible.

I recently moved my sick daughter from GA to PA for a fresh start and also because I had met a man that I thought at the time was worth it.

When we moved here, we lived with one of his friends, which turned out to be a drug dealer and was subsequently arrested. Now living with people in and of itself is a stressful situation but when you come from a quiet 2 people household to a place that has people driving in and out of the drive way at all hours it’s beyond any stress that I want to go through again.

So, we move out of this place and move in with SO’s step dad, again, I’ve been trying to buy a house or rent an apartment but can’t as I don’t have any utility bills in my name, no drivers license or proof that I live here.

Fast forward to me finally being able to buy a house. This is all well and good until my daughter decides she wants to move back to PA to live with her dad because she isn’t making friends and she likes her doctors better back there. This is ok, she’s 14, I had talked to a shrink about this and he said that most times when kids come from single family homes they go with the opposite sex parent between the ages of 13-18 for validation.

Fast forward to this past weekend, my SO and I had been fighting since we moved into this house due to money and jealousy issues (mostly my own and his selfishness).

This past weekend we were supposed to spend the entire weekend together working on giving it a go as a couple. Friday night he came home with a 5th of Crown Royal. Now he had told me before that he gets kinda aggressive when he drinks liquor. He also proceeded to tell me that he invited a couple over to play pictionary. Against this is fine.

We are playing pictionary, he is drinking his CR and things are going ok, until he started calling me rude names such as bitch, pain in the ass and heifer. I had had enough by then and started drinking the liquor too. I figure if he was going to be an ass to me, I’d be an ass to him.

Cut to after the couple leaves, apparently I told the other couple that if things didn’t work out between us, that I’d kill him and they’d find his body in a ditch. I do not remember saying this.

We go to go to bed and he’s in there changing clothes getting ready to leave, by this time it’s after midnight and he’s been drinking too much to drive anywhere. (actually we all had).

So it proceeded to be a huge physical fight, where I called 9-1-1 and hung up, apparently they called back but neither of us picked up the phone so the cops showed up. In the mean time, I leave in my vehicle to get away from him holding me down.

I come back to the house and end up getting arrested in my drive way for dui. Now, he’s pissed off at me because had he been arrested for domestic violence, he wouldn’t be able to have his guns or hunting license ever again and it seems as though that’s all he’s worried about.

I know that I fucked up but he’s not taking any responsibility for anything bad that happened in this relationship and it’s really starting to fester in my mind.

He’s moving out today and I’m leaving for PA to visit my family for the holidays but damnit, this freaking hurts!!!

I am going to call my Employee Assistance Program and see if I can’t talk to a counselor and try to get this outta my head but what the heck do I do in the mean time?

I love this man and hate to see this relationship end but my question is (and it took me awhile to get to it I know and I’m sorry). Was I abused or do you think it was the alcohol that made the events turn out the way they did?

I guess I am just rambling but I don’t have any friends here in GA yet, and I am hurting like crazy and don’t know where to turn.

Thanks for reading (if you did) and again, I’m sorry it’s so long and discombobulated.

2

I’d speak words of comfort to you but I have none to give. From what I’ve read (obviously sketchy and incomplete), it sounds like neither one of you is mature enough to handle a serious relationship. From your account the physical abuse is mutual, the drinking is mutual, the verbal abuse is mutual – not exemplary behavior on your part, nor his. Now if you’re going to say that you don’t act like that when you’re not around him, then don’t be around him.

If I’ve gotten my facts wrong please correct me.

3

TDN:

Thanks for your reply. You didn’t read it wrong, and I’m not trying to justify the behavior I just wanted to add that he drinks beer everyday and things are ok between us until he’s had too much.

I think I know what I need to do, I just need a shove to do it, ya know?

But thanks for reading and replying anyway.

4

Here’s the shove - RUN

5

You need a shove? Okay, here it is:

  1. Get the fuck out of there. Don’t look back. You’re going to PA? Pack up what you need, and leave for good.
  2. Hie thee to an AA meeting. When you’re arrested for a DUI, that’s called Writing on the Wall.
  3. Do this for yourself. But if you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. You’re raising her in an unacceptable environment; and if you don’t change it NOW–change yourself and get her away from other dangerous people–you’re going to risk her life.
  4. Don’t fuck around! Do it!

Daniel

6

Sounds like a pretty fucked up relationship to me. Not to say it can’t be fixed, but I’ll tell you from experience that the booze definitely had something to do with the escalation of the bullshit. You need to decide what’s more important: the drinking or the relationship. Once you figure that out, you can move on from there. Good luck.

7

Just wanted you to know I read your post. From what you’ve written it sounds like a bad situation! I say go home and forget him.

8

This is not a good relationship and never will be. Continue with your plan to seek counceling. Also leave him. Now.

I know that it hurts now, but I promise it won’t hurt forever. Time will heal things.

Sending supporting thoughts your way.

9

Thanks for the replies.

Daniel,

I am going to PA for the holidays but I have to come back to my job here in GA. I really do enjoy my job and I don’t really have any other marketable skills.

My daughter doesn’t live with me, she lives in PA with her dad, which is a blessing in disguise I’d say.

The only reason I came back to the house the other night was to take the consequenses of my actions since I was the one that called 911, hence the dui. I did hire a lawyer since the police didn’t follow procedure.

I am also going to check out a counselor and an AA facility to get myself straightened out.

Thanks again everyone that has replied. I know I totally screwed up and am more than willing to take the heat for my actions, it just galls me to know that he’s such an uncaring, selfish person that can’t take one iota of responsibility for any of this.

10

If he doesn’t want to take one iota of responsability for what happened, you won’t change that. And anyway, even if he did, it wouldn’t make the situation any less shitty. It’s a very minor problem in the overall picture, really.
Alcohol, insults, physical fights, death threats, what more is needed to think a relationship is completely fucked up and doomed? I’m generally reluctant to tell strangers that they’d be better off giving up, but from your description, honestly… I can hardly imagine a worst situation. The next step is someone seriously harmed or dead.
Split up and indeed get yourself straightened out.

11

Again, Thank you to all that responded.

I’m not trying to justify my behavior but when we had first met he told me he would kill me if I ever cheated on him. He has guns but I wasn’t afraid (cause I knew I wouldnl’t cheat). But yet, when I “supposibly” threatened to kill him, he knows I don’t have any guns so I wonder if it wasn’t just an easy out for him??

The only thing that I do know is that his friend (the one that told him i said these things) doesn’t really care for me because he said i was coming between him and my so. This man was also drinking very heavily that night as well.

I just wish I could go back and re-do alot of things that night, my first step would be to not take a drink at all!!

I just cannot get all of this out of my head. He’s moving his stuff out today and tomorrow and God knows it’s killing me!! This hurts a whole hellava lot more than I let on to him but dang!!

12

For future reference. . .when you first meet a guy and he says that will KILL YOU if you ever cheat on him, end it right there.

My god.

Death threats. Arrests. Calls to 911. Drug deals. Physical abuse. Emotional abuse.

And there’s a fucking QUESTION here? Can you read what you’ve written?

You think the problem is that he won’t take responsibility for his actions?

Is this bizarro world?

13

Trunk,

I’m not saying I’m perfect or that he is either. I just came here to get this out of my system because I just moved here and don’t have anybody else to talk this out with.

I’ll make sure not to post anything that might not make sense to anyone else since you’ve obviously never been in any situation that you can’t seem to get past. As a matter of fact, with my low post count there really isn’t any reason to renew since I can’t seem to type out my feelings and have them heard or understood.

I find the whole relationship bizarre myself but right now I’m just hurting from the heartbreak, ya know?

Thanks for replying.

14

Get out of that relationship. Now. Here’s another kick. He’s only mean when he’s had to much to drink? He has a drinking problem. He has to solve that. Get out. Now.

I’m saying what I am about to say because I infered this from your OP Mis Understood. Get help with your own drinking problem. That will help you as you get out of this relationship, which you must do now.

Ok, all that having been said, please do keep checking back in from time to time to let us know how you’re doing. You have support here.

15

Thanks Swampbear. I’m actually going to go visit my family in PA over the holidays and take in a few AA meetings in that area. My family is very supportive so I know I can get some help that way too.

I plan on calling my EAP when I get home this afternoon, as long as he’s not there moving his stuff out. If he’s there, I’m going to pack my suitcase and be gone that way I don’t have to do the hard part of watching him leave me.

Crazy as it sounds, I love him, I can’t change that or him but I can change how I react to him and I do understand that, so that’s a start I guess.

16

Please understand that we hear your heartbreak; you’re in an awful situation, and I’m very sorry to hear that, and I hope that your life gets much better. I’m sorr if it sounded like I was being contemptuous of you; I’m really not.

However: you’re also in a dangerous situation, both immediately dangerous and chronically dangerous. If you don’t change things, you are going to keep on being miserable, and your daughter is going to have a really hard time of it. You owe it to both of you to take this opportunity to make some major changes.

I’m very glad to hear that you’re going to check out an AA meeting. I’m no expert on them, but from what I know, it sounds like they might really provide you the support you need. Or you might find yourself with a crappy AA group, in which case I’d urge you to try out a couple more in hopes that you find a good one.

Yeah, things are awful right now; but there’s an opportunity in that awfulness, and opportunity to make a break with some crap fro the past and move things is a positive direction. I very much hope you take the steps to do so.

Daniel

17

That doesn’t sound crazy. The hard thing to realize is that whether you love him isn’t what needs to determine your actions: it’s whether you and your daughter can be safe, happy, and healthy around him. You can leave him even though you love him. It will hurt, but that’s a wound that will heal. If you stay in this situation, it really doesn’t sound as though it’s going to get better.

Daniel

18

Daniel:

I didn’t mean to imply anything with your post. I am glad that you replied to me (all my other threads or any that I post to sink like rocks). I am going to make the necessary changes to start the healing process for my heart but also the emotional and mental process of becoming a non-drinker. I haven’t had a drink since that night and have no intentions of drinking any time soon.

I guess it’s best that he does move out, the conflict wouldn’t stop if he didn’t and I’m not giving up my house :wink: for him or anyone else.

Thanks again for clarifying and I’m sorry I’m so defensive.

19

I agree with everyone else. GO!! He sounds like a dangerous lout not worth keeping.

20

Mis Understood, I have a book I’d like to send you if you’d be willing to let me. It was written by a friend of my mom’s about her 24-year relationship with her alcoholic, abusive husband. Her goal in writing it is to help other people who have difficulty getting out of abusive relationships. My e-mail is in my profile if you’d like to send me your address. I’m about halfway through reading it right now, but as soon as I’m finished I’ll send it to you.
Please don’t be too discouraged with yourself. You’ve made mistakes, but you can recover from this, and you will. But you need to rid yourself of this toxic relationship first. Again, please consider my offer.