And thank him again for the “And not to me” part.
How on earth is your breaking up with me NOT disrespectful of my feelings? Because YOU want it so badly?
The answer having been a nice, respectful, extended, sincere version of “It’s not you, it’s me.”
So, I was right all along then. 
“It’s not you, it’s me…I can’t stand you…”
“This ‘No fat chicks’ T-shirt…it’s not just for show…”
“THE NUMBER YOU HAVE DIALED IS NO LONGER IN SERVICE AT THIS TIME…PLEASE TRY THE NUMBER AGAIN OR DIAL YOUR OPERATOR FOR ASSISTANCE…*THE NUMBER…”
seriously though, I wouldn’t even give a reason. Just be like “I don’t think this is working out and I want to break up”. Reasons just give a person a bunch of things to debate with you about.
And what’s wrong with a Post-it note, voice mail or other similar method of breaking up? Yeah it sucks for the other person who doesn’t get to sob uncontrollably or go into a temper tantrum in front of you, but the relationship is just as over.
I think there is breaking up and there is breaking up.
One can be a respectful perhaps civil parting of the ways, and the other can be a character anihilation that can take years to get over.
I highly doubt that the defenders of “shallow or no reasons given” advocate the latter. At least I hope not.
I don’t mind the “it’s not working for me”–but the tone in which it’s delivered is crucial. An “I’m sorry” would help.
The shallow reasons sound petty and contrived because they ARE petty and contrived.
The sex thing–there are places that no decent person should go. To me, that includes demeaning someone’s sexual abilities, if their involvement has been a sincere one. (IOW, mock the masher at the party, but don’t crush someone that has shared your bed-not saying anyone here has done that). Maybe I’m too nice. Maybe I’ve not been out in the big bad world enough or something, but what I am hearing in this thread is a call for some decency in breaking up. Shallow reasons (or none) demean the recipient, show contempt for the ending relationship and leave more scars than one would think. They’re an insult to the dumpee’s intelligence and speak volumes to the dumper’s humanity. Just MO.
Wow. This is really cruel. And something a 15 year old might do. And cause a great deal of unneccessary hurt to another 15 year old. I hate to drag in something so arcane and abstruse as this concept, but let’s talk about duty for a minute. Duty was big with the Victorians, and seems to have fallen out of favor, but duty can allow you to look in the mirror at your past and not cringe. Facing someone you once invested emotionally in, shared a bed, perhaps some significant life experiences with-this is a duty. You don’t get to run away.
Someday, someone might just leave you a text, ending all contact. And then maybe you’ll understand why some formalities should be observed.
Who says it wasn’t respectful, extended, and sincere? But the bottom line was “I don’t like fucking you” – and the presented reason, despite numerous requests for specifics, was “It’s not you, it’s me.” Which struck me as more respectful than “I don’t like fucking you.”
I guess the question I’m left with here is, is twickster under any obligation to tell the guy she’s dumping that she’s dumping him because the sex was bad for her? Would it actually help the guy to know that, or would it make him feel horrible? I think it might be fair for her to say to him that her romantic/sexual feelings for him had gone away, but does she specifically have to say that she hated fucking him and wanted to fuck other people, and not him anymore, ever? I would think it might be construed as cruel for her to rub it in his face that he wasn’t satisfying her. There are nice ways to say it, and I bet twicks said it that way. She discharged her obligation without maiming the guy emotionally. I don’t think it’s fair to expect more than that for the sake of honesty.
Personally, I prefer getting broken up with via letter, and I prefer that the reasons amount to “It’s not working. Sorry.”
Letter because it allows me to experience the hurt in private, and those reasons because there are no other reasons. All a person breaking up with me owes me is very clear information that he is breaking up with me (so no sneaking off like Shelli’s ex.
A break-up isn’t someone’s “fault.” Having to grovel and claim shallowness or fault or anything of the sort is just unnecessary. Sometimes, things just don’t work out, and people discover that a relationship isn’t working.
What’s funny is that I can only remember breaking up with one person. Not that I’ve had a million relationships, but I seem much more likely to be dumped than to dump, probably because I tend to be fairly ostrichy and oblivious. The best break-ups were the ones that other people would call cowardly–via phone or letter. They allowed me to get it together before I saw the person again. In one case, I never saw the person again, and that was pretty nice.
Okay, so you and I (and the rest of the SD) agree that, of all the number-one nicest people on the planet, Twix is the number-one-est. But I’m sure she’d already mentioned the sex-not-working thing a couple of zillion times before, and if I had been the one coming up to the window of the the complaint dep’t at Twix’s house, I sure wouldn’t be looking for further discussion of this issue, but I’m assuming that he was.
Maybe I don’t understand how supremely painful it is to get a complaint about bad sex (I’ve had some, but not for a few decades–honest!) but I don’t see how THIS one issue is tantamount to torturing the guy. You want to know? I’ll tell you, as nicely as I can at first, and taking all the responsibility I can take for myself, but if you want to hear it, or you haven’t heard it enough before, sure, I’ll tell you again.
Well, then, pseud, since that’s what would make you happy, my wish for you is that the next woman who dumps you tells you what a dud you are in the sack. :rolleyes:
“Your emotions do not conform to the emotions I want you to have.”
Of course, it’s never said in those clear cut terms.
Tris
“When they’re handin’ out the heartaches, you know you got to have you some.” ~ Juice Newton ~
Okay, I’m curious about whether most men what to hear they’re lousy lovers or not – so I started a poll yonder.
there are not enough eye-rolls on the planet to convey my reaction to your interpretation of my expressed desires.
I had a buddy who was starting re-dating an old ex-girlfriend while he was in the hospital for a few months. The reason for breaking up after that?
“I thought you were going to die, and I didn’t want you to think you’d die alone.”
What if the awful sex is far from the only reason?
The most excruciating dumping I ever performed was of a guy who was extremely sweet, nice, generous, etc. It took me months to make myself do it, because it was like kicking a puppy. But I just couldn’t keep dating him - we were SO not physically compatible (for reasons about which I will not go into detail - some were things he couldn’t change, and some might have been, with a lot of professional help). But on top of that, we were just so not on the same page intellectually. And the day he revealed he’d voted for GWB, TWICE, I knew I had to cut the cord.
I think the speech I gave him was along the lines of “you and I are just not on the same page on a number of fronts, and I don’t see that changing - you’re a really nice guy, and I think you deserve someone who will be just as crazy about you as you are about her.” I felt like crap about it - it was after I’d fallen asleep while he was giving me a foot massage with hot towels, and he then left my place in the middle of the night to do 2 consecutive days of double shifts - but I really had to get it over with rather than continuing to prolong the deception.
It went about as well as could be expected, and he still e-mails me once in a while to see how I’m doing or say he saw something that made him think of me or whatever. I really do wish him the best, just with someone else. Was I really supposed to tell him I thought the sex was awful?
meh…I agree with **jsgoddess **. I think I’d just rather find her crap moved out with a nice “I’m sorry…goodbye” letter. I don’t feel a need to conduct an exit interview.
I suspect its more often “my emotions are not conforming to the emotions I believe you want me to have.”
i.e. you are way more into me than I am into you. And I’m not getting more into you.
How did your friend react to that?
Q