"reasons" for breakups

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
161

Because the reason is that she no longer loved you enough to put up with it. She no longer loved you enough to put up with it. She no longer loved you enough to put up with it. Does that really make you feel better? If so, there it is. SHE NO LONGER LOVED YOU ENOUGH TO PUT UP WITH IT.

She isn’t being selfish for NO LONGER LOVING YOU ENOUGH TO PUT UP WITH IT. The only change is that SHE NO LONGER LOVED YOU ENOUGH TO PUT UP WITH IT. She isn’t exalting needs she didn’t need to exalt before. She simply, once again, NO LONGER LOVED YOU ENOUGH TO PUT UP WITH IT. If she still loved you enough, she would have continued to put up with it, but she NO LONGER DID. We put up with things from people we love enough. We don’t put up with the same things from people we do not love. While she loved you, she put up with it. When she stopped loving you, she stopped putting up with it.

162

I could handle “I just stopped loving you” just fine. I’d welcome it. I’d just walk away, thinking “What a fickle piece of work, I’m going to try to be a little bit less trusting when a woman tells me she loves me from here on in, and a little less caring of the feelings of women who feel fine twisting the spigots on their love.”

And that helps me a little bit. But find me a woman with hte guts to say “Hey, ya know what? I just stopped loving you. Ha, ha! See ya!”

163

Er, so, you think that she deliberately stopped loving you? Is that what “twisting the spigots on their love” is supposed to represent? If so, it’s really silly. You can’t actually force yourself to love someone, whether you once did or no.

If you can handle “I just stopped loving you,” then go. Handle it.

If that will make you less trusting, well, there’s nothing that can be done about that. People stop loving other people all the time. I’ve been in love dozens of times. I don’t love any of those people now. It’s no one’s fault that I don’t love them any longer. It wouldn’t be my fault if I woke up tomorrow and didn’t love my husband. It would suck hugely and ruin my life, but it wouldn’t be my fault. And if I didn’t love him, I wouldn’t put up with all the things he does that annoy me. I put up with them now because I have to in order to be with the person I love. Take away the love, and there’s no reason for me to go along.

164

Ack. Except for the one I’m married to who thankfully doesn’t read this forum.

165

Keep me posted on this one. Maybe you’re onto something here.

166

I won’t pull out direct quotes, but there seems to be a bit of a theme that the breaker upper has to share some of the fault for things not working out. Many times they do, but not always.

For those that are saying the breaker upper “owes” something to the break uppee, would you agree sometimes they don’t?

One guy I broke up with was someone who had proposed to me, then sent me a letter saying the engagement was actually only valid if I agreed to a few things. He wrote out a list of 10 things that I must change before he would marry me. The list included having to have breast augmentation, treating his career choice with more respect, (in his mind he was a “teaching professional,” in reality he was a substitute teacher who would only answer the phone 2 days a month, the minimum to stay on the call list, the rest of the time preferring to stay at home and live off his parents) compliment him more often, and a few other items that can only be described as whiny.

I read that list, and my eyes were opened. I felt sick I had spent two years with someone who could only be with me if I had perfect breasts. It made me realize that I really must have suffered from very low self esteem to have thought he was a good thing. All the little comments about needing to lose a few pounds, needing to change this and that about myself came flooding back. I immediately realized I would be a much healthier, happier person spending my life alone, than with someone like him.

So I told him no, wouldn’t do those things, it was over. He said, OK we can just continue to date until I “came around.” I said no. He wanted to know why.

At that point, how could I explain it to him? Did I owe him an explanation of why I found his need for bigger boobs to be a deal breaker, repulsive? With all his demands the only true answer I had for him was that I evidently was more damaged than I thought I was to have spent two years with him. All my friends and relatives had repeatedly BEGGED me to stop seeing him. They said he manipulated me, treated me terribly, and I had to know I was worth more than that. I evidently didn’t, but that letter with the demands made me realize it.

But still, even with all my horrible faults that he listed out for me, (in the letter he actually said there were quite a few more, but those 10 would be a good show of faith that if I would fix those he could count on me to fix the other ones down the road) he still would not let me break up with him. He said GOD had spoken to him, telling him he had to stay with me, because he was so good for me. So he was just following GOD’S orders, how could I not obey orders from GOD?

To get him to stop calling, and leaving me notes, we negotiated a deal. We would have no contact for three months. After that time we would meet for coffee and talk. Well during that time I met Mr Grits, and for the first time knew what true love was. I easily lost the 30 lbs I needed to lose because I was happy and was finally free of the pattern of eating when depressed. A great weight was lifted off me and I worked out and took good care of myself because I felt I was worth it. It was so great to have all my friends and relatives LOVE who I was dating and be happy for me. I was happy for the first time in my life.

So in three months, when we met at the agreed upon time and place, he saw me and was sure I had lost the weight because I was trying to prove my worth to him. Before I could say a thing, he started the conversation with, “I see you realize now you have to have me in your life, you have made a good start, and here are a few more other things…” He even brought a new list!

I laughed and laughed. If we weren’t in a public place I might have been afraid for my safety, he had hit me once before. But it was such a relief, to realize how far I had come, that this guy was now nothing but a joke to me I couldn’t help but laugh.

I found out later his explanation to his friends was that the DEVIL had gotten me. He even called me a few times to warn me that GOD had told him that Mr Grits was the DEVIL, and I should seek help immediately if I didn’t want to burn in HELL for eternity.

He was upset I never gave him adequate reasons for breaking up. But really, the guy was so messed up, what could I say that would make sense? And since he had no idea he was messed up, I imagine if he was reading this thread, he would add his story of the terrible girl who didn’t give a good enough explanation when breaking up. But really, by the time I realized what kind of relationship I was in, I had nothing more to say to him.

If I had to take “my responsibility” in the break up, I guess it would be that I had no idea how little I thought of myself, and how that meant I could end up being in an abusive relationship for two years and not even know it. So my part of the blame may be that I didn’t warn him ahead of time that I was such a mess, but I just didn’t realize it. He constantly told me how lucky I was that he put up with me, because no one else would ever want me. So I guess from that, that should relieve my off my guilt over him not knowing what a mess I was.

But looking back, I wasn’t a bad person, I was just used to being treated badly, so found familiarity in his treating me badly. Perhaps I should have warned him going in that as I got older and gained confidence in myself, things would likely change and he couldn’t manipulate me anymore. And there was a good chance someone would come along that would appreciate me as I was, and wouldn’t insist on perfect breasts or a perfect body, or that I compliment him three times a day (that was an actual recommendation) so there was a good chance I would leave him happily, with out explanations because they would be lost on him.

So I think some people who felt they never got the appropriate reasons why, were just people that the other person knew wouldn’t accept any valid reasons, so why bother. They weren’t “owed” anything, so there was no reason to try to make them understand. They just wouldn’t get it.

And I must add, between the fairy story, and the self defecating humor, this has been a very funny thread, even though it is not such a funny topic.

167

For me, this is more about behaving your best in a difficult position, when it’s very appealling to simply jet. Ultimately, you’re the best judge, the only judge really, GAHT, of your own behavior. I can’t imagine, personally, having tolerated any of his arrogant behavior for a minute, or feeling like I owed him anything upon leaving. I think you would have been entirely correct to have crumpled up his nasty little list, thrown it in his face, said, “Nope” and walked away. I mean, HE was offering you terms, correct? Why not tell him “Nope” and end it then and there? That seems fair to me.

168

“I don’t want to know you.”

Translated: I really loved you and was perfectly fine with keeping another guy on the side because you wanted to be open to seeing other people but hadn’t exercised that right for months, but you went too far and it hurt me when you went on a single date with another girl and said you had a good time.

If she had only said that. We’d probably be together and completely monogamous now.

169

AHa! Well, I can only claim old age and the decline of the memory function. :slight_smile:

Well I can see in your case, she obviously should have spent more time exploring her wants and needs before committing to a relationship where she had no clue about whether it would meet those needs. This isn’t unusual, nor restricted to the love of dance (or lack of love of dance as it were).

This just goes to illustrate what I’ve come to believe about relationships (and mentioned in the other spinoff thread). People have sex WAY too early on in relationships. It clouds their judgment, then when they wake up from the lust/infatuation daze, they’re surprised and saying “wait! this isn’t what I wanted”. Well DUH, you were too busy between the sheets to actually get to KNOW the other person, what did you expect?

And yes, I’ve been just as guilty of this as anyone else. And very annoyed at myself because of it.

170

Did she actually blame you? Or is that just the way you’re perceiving it? If she said something to the effect of “I need to be with someone who has as much enthusiasm for X (whether dance or whatever) as I have” then you’re taking on a bit of a martyred attitude to see that as being blamed.

So basically you want them to slit their wrists on the alter of your bygone love, or you won’t be satisfied with their explanation. They can’t just be honest that they realized that what they thought they could live without, they have come to understand that they can’t. For their reason to be acceptable to you, they must tell you how horrible they are. Why must someone be horrible at all?

X is in the way, or maybe X, Y and Z. If you decide that your ex-partners realization that they can’t live with the lack of X, Y and Z in yourself is them saying you’re crappy, then unless they actually are SAYING “you’re crappy” you’re bringing it upon yourself. You’re projecting words and feelings upon them that they don’t have.

Did she really say that? That is “you selfish inconsiderate shit…heartless piece of crap etc…”?

Or are you taking that upon yourself?

171

:eek:

No no Grits, in that case, you RUN!! Fast and far FAR away. That guy was obviously quite bonkers.

172

Well, I paraphrase a bit. But the gist of it was to leave me feeling blamed and at fault, which is my point here.

The slitting of the wrists is unnecessary, and usuallly unwanted as it involves some mopping-up, calling of the ceremonial ambulance, etc. Really, I’m not calling for much more than owning your own shit, taking all the responsibility you can for your part in whatever went wrong, not being any more sophistical than you need be in analyzing the breakup if such a discussion is requested, and so on. I’m not really sure why any of this is even controversial.

And I agree about falling in love too easily. I just can’t see how to prevent it. Maybe I should work on some form of innoculation.

173

You know, you have to own your own shit.

No one can MAKE you feel blamed and at fault - you take that on yourself or you don’t.

174

Granted. But that’s a very rough moment in anyone’s life, getting broken up with, and I’d like there to be maximum care taken by the dumper not to make it any worse on the dumpee than it already is.

Many posters in this thread (including you?) seem to disagree with that injunction, and take the position, as I read it, of “Go fuck yourself, you rotten louse, it’s all your fault, leave me alone, and drop dead twice,” which I maintain hurts one’s ex-lover unnecessarily.

175

Only, no one is saying that.

In this and the current pit threads, you appear to be making up things.

I’ll confine further replies to those threads.

176

Apologies if you thought I was literally attempting to quote anyone with that broad paraphrase. I don’t know how you came to that conclusion, but I apologize sincerely if I led you to think that was an actual quote from someone else’s post or anything.

177

It’s been my experience that really, the reasons given are more a sort of “summing up” than THE reason. If you’ve been together for a while (more than a year), you’ve been through some arguments or even fights already. Most of the time, the other person is well aware of your issues with them and theirs with you. At the “breakup point”, it’s probably some tiny little thing, the “that is IT!” straw that broke the camel’s back. And at that point…Dangerosa’s right. Why hash the whole thing out again? A few more hours of hurt? Pass. We’re done, here.

Less than a year? They just flat out don’t want to boink you anymore.

Mostly I was the breaker-upper. But I will list the two “reasons” I received:

Him: “You have kids.”
Me: “You knew that when we got together.”
Him: “Yes…but…you won’t leave them for me.”
Me: “No, I… You want me to ditch my kids to be with you?”
Him: “Not necessarily. What I want is to know that you will choose me over them.”
Me: “Ok…you’re right. This isn’t going to work.”

Anyone asking me to choose my kids over them doesn’t warrant my time.

Him: “You don’t cook as good as my mom.”
Fair enough. I was 19, I didn’t cook at all at that point.

178

I think it would be helpful if you could identify anyone who’s saying that. You can leave me off such a list – I said that when I broke up with a guy because the sex wasn’t what I wanted (after several years and multiple discussions), and I didn’t call him a lousy lay when he asked for the reason. (And, BTW, you seem to be in a minority of one for people who would have wanted to hear that he was a lousy lay under that scenario.)

179

Frankly, twick, I applaud your restraint. Being broken up with is painful enough; why add insult to injury? Especially when he already knows you’re not happy with his performance. I can’t think of a more hurtful thing to tell a man than “you’re a really bad lay.” Unless you add “with a tiny dick, and I faked all my orgasms.” to the end of it.

180

Gosh, who would have thought it would be so controversial to suggest that, when you’re telling a lover that you never want to see him or her again, being nice to that lover, though difficult, is a virtue?

Actually whoever would have thought that I’d be on a limb here, defending “being nice”?

Yes, when you get to frame the argument (ridiculously), people tend to take your side. Astonishing, that, too. “Folks, PRR said I shouldn’t gratuitously tell my ex-lover on his way out the door,‘BTW, you know nothing about fucking, you pencil-dicked cretin. Ha, ha, ha.’ Do you agree with PRR or with me?”