Does anyone have any tips on recovering from a broken heart?
I have had a bad marriage in the past and certainly had break-ups, but the most recent one just a few weeks ago has left me struggling worse then I ever have. There was no warning that it was coming. I was engaged and happy and now I feel empty.
I found out things about him, he had been cheating, along with the addiction that I found out about before. But, somehow I can’t shake the feeling that I did something to drive us apart. I feel like there’s no closure here and I don’t know how to get it.
I have been trying to focus on work, joined a gym and been going out with friends. I went on a date the other day, on the suggestion of a friend, but cried the whole way home. I reached out to a counselor that I had seen in the past and have an appointment with her nest week.
Even with his faults, I loved him and would have worked with him if he had tried to get some help. He is in the process of leaving, currently staying with his mother, but he comes here when I am not home and gets a few things at a time. I gave him until the end of the month to get them all out.
But still, I have way too many days where it is just hard to breathe.
Do things that will wear you out, so when you get home at night, you’re tired and able to fall asleep easily.
Keep yourself occupied with things that hold your interest, whatever those things are: sudoku, crosswords, reality tv rumors, chess, planning your garden for spring, whatever. Absorb yourself mentally in those activities.
Whenever you think about what used to be, or about him, PURPOSEFULLY and STUBBORNLY think about something else that takes a lot of concentration. Balance on one foot and count backwards from a thousand by 7s at the same time. Force yourself to solve hard math problems, or to diagram random sentences from a message board. Follow a complicated cooking or sewing or crafting recipe/pattern.
Stay busy, stay strong, and eventually you’ll start to be happy. It will take a while - right now, go for **busy **because it’s doable.
Because I like to make lists, I’d write one thing on a sheet of paper and tape it up where I could see it. Then another thing taped somewhere else, and another. I’d walk into my apartment and have to duck under “He’d eat all the cookies” to get to the kitchen. “He used all the hot water” was taped to the bathroom door. If he liked kittens I’d write “He was better to the kittens than he was to me.”
After a while you start believing your own propaganda and it gets easier to let that go.
I wouldn’t post statements around my house because then if someone comes over they’ll be like WTF, but I have made a list of why I knew this wasn’t the dude for me (or, well, for anyone), and referred to it whenever I was feeling nostalgic. It helped.
And just keep in mind that, even if doesn’t feel like it right now, you WILL feel like meeting new people in the future, and one of them could be the right one for you. You already know (at least intellectually) that this guy isn’t.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about breakups, it’s that “closure” doesn’t really exist. The old cliche is true - time is the only way to heal a broken heart.
Keeping occupied is important, but you shouldn’t beat yourself up for thinking about him. You’re allowed to think about him, and you’re allowed to wallow and feel shitty because it’s part of the grieving process. Just try not to let it overcome you. Let yourself have a good cry and then say to yourself, “OK, I had that emotion, now it’s time to do something that makes me feel good about myself.”
The best advice…stay off the message boards, chat channels and social pukenetworks like Facebook - looking for some estranged attempt at closure or ‘understanding.’
Talking won’t change what’s happened - you’ll just be thinking about it more.
I agree with the ‘stay mentally and physically active’ advice and hang out with friends. If you’re lonely, consider a pet, although do not devolve into a crazy cat lady. If you opt for cats and get more than two of them, you will scare away some potential prospects.
More importantly, realize that you dodged a bullet and feel good about that. You did the right thing. Drugs aside, I see the cheating as a real problem. If you are literally engaged and are still at a point where the sex is relatively new and exciting, what hope was there for a real relationship when you both get older, gain weight, and are generally less attractive? It would still result in a breakup only years later with the possibility of kids and shared possessions to deal with. Unless there is something bigger going on which you haven’t mentioned, I assume you are both still fairly young and that he is no where near the level of maturity you are. With all the problems new couples face, it seems strange that he’s bringing a drugs and cheating history right at the start. Trust me, you’ll find someone else.
Damn right. It’s not a door you can close, it’s a road you have to walk.
The only honest answer is that what seems like an impossible journey will get easier with every step.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.
Know this - you ARE strong enough, you WILL get through this, your best days are up the road waiting for you - they just need you to catch up - so start walkin’.
This is excellent advice. Also, challenge yourself with some sort of activity that is completely new. It can be artistic, musical and creative, physical…it doesn’t matter. Go out with friends, new and old.
My boyfriend and I had to stop being intimate for almost a year due to some very stressful and heartbreaking circumstances in his (and my) life. I waited for him. I couldn’t even touch myself for that time period. Don’t do what I did - enjoy your own body. It helps release stress.
Oh, God, do I remember those horrible, difficult, seemingly endless days.
Zoid is right. There are better days ahead and you only get to them by taking one step after another. I’m glad you’ll be seeing your counselor. That will help. The other things I found helpful were to let myself cry when I needed to (but to then get up and do something productive), to be very physically active, and to write in my journal.
I know it feels overwhelming now. I know it’s almost impossible to believe that you will feel better, but please believe me, you will. A little at a time, it gets easier. I still love the man that broke my heart but know now, nine months later, absolutely and without question, I am better off without him. It is important to understand and accept that just because we love someone, doesn’t make them good for us, or good life-partner material.
I’m going through something similar, dragongirl. It sucks…but while I have quite a few “I really miss…” moments, I also have a lot of “I sure as hell don’t miss…” moments to balance it all. It sounds like you’re doing the right things, and it does just take some time.
I’m just taking it day by day, and I guess that’s all we can do. PM me if you want to chat. It will get better.
So are you and he still in the same house? Because it’ll be pretty hard to get over him when you still sleep together.
Plus the notes around the house would make for awkward breakfast conversation.
Enjoy the things he didn’t enjoy. He didn’t eat Mexican and you did, make it for dinner a few nights a week. He hated your friend Barb - have her over for a movie night. He disliked you in green and it was one of your favorite colors…put it back on.
Cut your hair, grow it, dye it. Loose five pounds just for yourself - or gain five because you don’t care. Treat yourself to sparkly nail polish if it floats your boat. Keep a gratitude journal (three things each day you are grateful for).
Stay busy, volunteer, get together with friends. Take up jogging or calligraphy or both. Join a knitting club. Reread your favorite books and watch your favorite movies.
Give yourself permission to grieve, but not permission to wallow - when you cross the line, do something else.
