Redneck Rime Royal

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Inspired by the Redneck Haiku thread, I’ve decided to post my translation of Troilus’s Song from Chaucer’s Troilus and Criseyde into hillbilly. The English majors might note that the song is itself a translation of a sonnet by Petrarch. As you can see, the sentiment is universal.

If love ain’t real, god damn, what you call this?
And if it is, what in the hell is it?
If love is good, how come it gets me pissed?
If love is bad, it’s got me thinkin’ “Sheeeit!”
Cause love’s got me puttin’ up with bullshit.
And love has got me too damn drunk to steer,
But I’m a crack another case of beer.

And if ol’ love should set my heart a-fire
Well, I don’t have a thing to bitch about
Cause I keep tryin’ to turn the flames up higher
And wonder why I just keep passing out.
It’s killin’ me, baby, there ain’t no doubt,
But, god damn, I must want it something fierce
The way I keep on chug-a-lugging beers.

I honk my horn, but it don’t do no good
I hit the road and I’m all over it
But tell my ma that I done all I could
To change my lane and cut acrost this shit
I spun my wheel, and they spun theirs, oh sheeit!
The dump truck in the left lane’s gonna tilt
The right’s no good – a god damn Peterbuilt!

2

LOL.
That was the funniest post I ever read.
Officialy
Whew! I nearly pissed myself

“Winners never quit and quitters never win, but those who never win and never quit are idiots.”

3

For the small minority of people out there who havn’t read Chaucer in the last few months, I feel compelled to post the original for the sake of comparison:

If no love is, O God, what fele I so
And if love is, what thing and which is he?
If love be good, from whennes cometh my woo?
If it be wikke, a wonder thynkth me,
Whenne every torment and adversite
That cometh of hym, may to me saovry thinke,
For ay thurst I, the more that ich it drynke.

And if that at myn owen lust I brenne,
From whenne cometh my wailynge and my plynte?
If harme agree me, wherto plyne I thenne?
I noot, ne whi unwery that I feynte.
O quike deth, O swete harm so queynte,
How may of the in me swich quantite,
But if that I consente that it be?

And if that I consente, I wrongfully
Complyne, iwis. Thus possed to and fro,
Al sterelees within a boot am I
Amydde the see, bitwixen wyndes two,
That in contrarie stonden evere mo.
Alas! What is this wondre maladie?
For herte of cold, for cold of hete, I dye.

A rough modernization, where all the words that have slipped out of useage have been updated and the spelling tidied a bit looks like this:
If no love is, O God, what feel I so
And if love is, what thing and which is he?
If love be good, from where cometh my woe?
If it be wicked, a wonder thinks me,
When every torment and adversite
That cometh of him, may to me savory seems,
For ay thurst I, the more that ich it drink.

And if that at mine owen lust I burn,
From when cometh my wailing and my complaint?
If harm is agreeable to me, how can I complain?
I don’t know, nor do I no why that untired, I faint.
O living death, O sweet harm so strange,
How may of you be so much in me,
Unless that I consent that it be?

And if that I consent, I wrongfully
Complain, I know. Thus tossed to and fro,
All stearless within a boat am I
Amid the sea, bitween winds two,
That in contrarie stand ever more.
Alas! What is this strange malady?
For heat of cold, for cold of heat, I die.

This (Johnny A’s version) has to be one of the funniest things I have ever read. Bravo!

4

Wel, this is no rime royal, but it is a redneck paro. . .um, translation of Ben Johnson’s “Song: to Celia.”

Drink to me only with that look,
And I’ll return a leer;
Leave lipstick kisses in a cup,
And I won’t need a beer.
God damn cottonmouth can’t be shook
But by your woman’s tears:
Though I could buy a new pickup
I’ll take you to DeBeers.

5

Very good. But being a redneck the only correction that I can note is that rednecks don’t use profanity half as much as you have used in your translation. If ya gonna do it, do it right.

I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.

6

ultress wrote:

I didn’t learn about rednecks by watching television. I have a lot of relations in the hills of Alabama, and my experience has been been quite different.