Yup, did that for my wedding. My wedding was very informal, not in a church, officiated by a justice of the peace. There was really nothing to rehearse.
The only reason we had a dinner is my husband’s out of town parents insisted upon it (and paid for it). Our “wedding party” consisted of a maid of honour and a best man. So - his parents, my parents, his brother from across the country, my grandmother, the wedding party and their dates. It was really just a “getting to know you” dinner since our families had only met a day or two prior. Nice restaurant, good conversation, relaxing way to spend the evening prior to the wedding.
I just want to offer a counterbalance to the people who seem to suggest that whatever the Bride wants should be the most important thing (because it’s her wedding). You tell a bunch of brides-to-be that the power and responsibility for making all wedding related decisions is theirs and wonder why some of them turn into Bridezillas with no sense of what is reasonable?
Note: I am not accusing anyone in this thread of being responsible for creating Bridezillas. But I do think that to suggest that what the bride wants is the most important thing with no consideration for other members of the family, budgets or anything else is a trifle one-sided.
And for full disclosure, it seems like in the situation presented by the OP, both the bride and the mother of the groom are being a little too “I want things done MY WAY” for true family harmony and a peaceful, under budget wedding.
It is her wedding, which is why I think my mom shouldn’t have been inviting people, but I wish she would change her mind for the sake of family harmony. I don’t want Uncle Ned to get his feelings hurt or my brother to look like an asshole.
I’m trying to put myself in your brother’s fiancee’s shoes (I got married almost exactly three years ago), and I’m still having a hard time being sympathetic to your mom, Fionn. I’m guessing we have different family dynamics - my mom would never in a million years invite someone to my wedding for me, and hard-ass that I am, I would never let her. I’m not big on the “just do it for the sake of family harmony” argument, either. That can be a dangerous precedent to set.
Mr. Legend and I went to a friend’s wedding last year, and we were completely shocked when it became clear we were invited to the rehearsal dinner (but not the rehearsal). It turns out that the family had invited all out-of-town guests, or at least those of us who had to fly in, to the dinner. Every single other non-wedding party guest was a relative of the bride or groom who’d come in from the opposite coast, whereas we’re friends of the groom’s from two states over.
The dinner was an informal buffet at the groom’s parents’ house, so I didn’t feel too awkward, but had it been a sit-down dinner at a restaurant or hotel, I would have felt very much like an intruder. I’ve always thought of rehearsal dinners as the reward for people who’ve had to show up for a wedding rehearsal (and the parents who’ve had to pay for everything and put up with the bride and groom).
My husband and I didn’t have a rehearsal, but we also didn’t have any attendants, so our “rehearsal” consisted of a 15-minute meeting with the minister to let him know roughly where we planned to set everything up (it was an outdoor wedding). We had a family dinner the night before the wedding in lieu of a rehearsal dinner; like Cyros’, it was for the various new relatives to meet and get to know each other a bit.
Then me an’ the mister met up with our friends and went out to the strip club for the bachelor/bachelorette party, but that’s a story for a whole 'nother thread.
I think this is perfectly reasonable and I really hope it works out for your family! Of course, I have no advice on how to get there. I would also like to give an “Amen!” to Eureka, I feel things have gotten a little crazy with the whole “It’s YOUR day” message to brides.
The biggest sticking point in poor Fionn’s situation is that Uncle Ned has already been invited to the rehearsal dinner. I think un-inviting people to something is one of the rudest things you can do. In a perfect world, the MIL and the bride would have agreed on a firm guest list before anyone was invited, but that didn’t happen. The impression I get from your description is that the bride wants to be firm with what she does and doesn’t want … and she’s lost sight of the fact that a relatively minor victory for her will be a BIG hurt for Uncle Ned. He’s 86 years old, for gosh sake! Can you ask your brother to step back from the bickering with mom, and try to see this as a nice thing he could do for Uncle Ned?
I’m not having a wedding party (just me, the groom, both sets of parents and my brother/sister-in-law his sister/brother-in-law). We’re still having a rehearsal dinner, as a way to hang out with our families. Ours will actually be the night of the wedding ceremony itself (judge in the courthouse), and the reception is the next day with everyone and their dog invited.
There are lots of ways to have a wedding. I agree, though, that there should be at least a little planning if you’re going to try and have a traditional wedding party setup.
I agree with delphica. I think it is very cruel to UN-invite someone once you’ve issued an invitation. While your mom was wrong to invite him without the bride and groom’s approval, I don’t think it would be right to hurt Uncle Ned just to teach ehr a lesson.
My mom and aunt are wedding and etiquette freaks. However, I have no idea where they get their knowledge from. That being said, she made these points:
you invite out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner if they can’t make it to the actual wedding; you might invite them if they are staying with you during the wedding, but that’s a big if
it’s the bride’s wedding, and no one elses; they seem to think this even if the parties agree to split the costs, which they caution against, anyway
I’m sure it wasn’t very proper, but it worked for my family. Out of town guests were invited along with the wedding party. Everybody made sure ten or twenty dollars found it’s way into the father of the groom’s hand, at some point during the meal. The father of the groom then insisted upon paying the bill.
Updike– my sister had the rehearsal dinner but no rehearsal. It was such a simple ceremony that if you could walk forward and then move to one side, you were golden. Yummy food, shared with friends and family-- you can’t pass up the opportunity, based upon a technicality.
I feel faint at the thought of dis-inviting someone who hasn’t done anything wrong. Dis-invite if the guest has just attempted to assasinate the president, not if there was an irregularity in the invitation etiquette. The guest should not have to pay because of someone else’s faux pas.
Besides, he’s 86 and coming in from out of state. What an honor!
I think you come from a different world than I do. When I got married it was definately about me, but it was also definately a day for my parents. It was their day to celebrate me having grown up and reached adulthood. It was their day to show their grown daughter to their friends and relatives. It was their day to celebrate and mourn.
My kids really aren’t old enough to think about weddings - or their high school graduations, college graduations, the day they get their licenses. But as much as each of these events will be a milestone and a great day for them, they are also a great day for me. With each event (so far the big one has been sending my oldest off to kindergarten) its a big day for them - their thing. Its also a big day for me.
I’m not someone who lives through their children, but my children are my lifes work. Celebrating the milestones in their lives IS about me - its about them, but its also about the work and love I put into raising them to reach those milestones. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be “mother-of-the groomonster” - it does mean I’m going to get pissed at my future daughter in law if she doesn’t take my feelings into consideration when she plans a wedding. And I think a bride who doesn’t realize how invested her future mother-in-law is in the event and makes efforts to compromise doesn’t bode well for a great relationship in the future.
Yeah, you could be right. I was also getting married at 35 - for anybody to even suggest that my mom would be making the decisions would have had both of us breaking down laughing.
